The food children of Georgia shall have their revenge

Pax Arcana

As has been documented previously, Perry Ellis and the yogic and tolerant Mrs. Perry Ellis will soon bring forth a child into this world — and like all parents they must now endure the emotionally fraught process of naming their spawn.

Pax Arcana does not have any specific ideas yet, but I do suggest taking a look at the Atlanta Journal-Constitution’s database of every baby name doled out in Georgia since 1990. There you will find ample examples of how not to do it right.

My favorite section is the Food and Drink category, in which we discover that among the 7,500 Jasmines and 711 Brandys on Georgian playgrounds lurk Capers (3), Chardonnays (19), Melbas (8), and Farinas (2).

These children are not only hilarious. They’re also delicious:

You could make a hillbilly margarita with Ice (1), Lime (1), and Tequila (46).

kids_on_playground_and_class.jpg
From left to right, Nacho, Barley, Ramen, Taffy, and Gin enjoy the monkey bars before looking for work as strippers and bookies.

You could make beef jerky out of Kobe (330) or Mignon (6) that comes in both Kipper (2) and Teriyaki (1) flavors.

Make a stew out of Lamb (1), Vidalia (5), Thyme (1), and Kale (56). Of course you’ll need to make a Roux (1) first.

You could sweeten your family with Dextrose (1).

You could add an exotic twist to your family by naming your kid Chutney (1) or Masala (1).

Or you could just straight up murder your kid’s sense of self-worth by naming him Taco, as one Georgian parent did.

Seriously. Taco.

Georgia names since 1990 [AJC]

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3 Comments

Filed under Parenthood

3 responses to “The food children of Georgia shall have their revenge

  1. Perry Ellis

    So you’re saying we should ditch “Limoncello,” right?

  2. Unless you want to move to Georgia…

  3. Perry Ellis

    That rules out “Eleuthra” too, I guess.

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