Because no single blog on the bloggernet is better than us at creating recurring blog features that we never fall through with (RIP “Pax Gastronomica,” “Tuesday Tubby Tearfest,” and “Ask Fidel”), I proudly present a new segment called Old Ad Wednesday.
In the first installment of Old Ad Wednesday, we bring you this cheerful indoctrination into the magical world of childhood diabetes — sponsored by the hilariously-named Soda Pop Board of America. We picture a bunch of old men in red striped suits and bow ties, taking breaks between board meetings to refill their root beer floats.
The text of the ad is as follows:
How soon is too soon?
Not soon enough. Laboratory tests over the last few years have proven that babies who start drinking soda during that early formative period have a much higher chance of gaining acceptance and “fitting in” during those awkward pre-teen and teen years. So, do yourself a favor. Do your child a favor. Start them on a strict regimen of sodas and other sugary carbonated beverages right now, for a lifetime of guaranteed happiness.
What’s crazy isn’t that the Soda Pop Board’s laboratories were so sophisticated. What’s crazy is that their plan worked, and the people of America gained self-esteem beyond the limits of the imagination.
Well done, America. Well done, Soda Pop Board.