The Biggest Loser went out with a whimper last night. Thanks to rambling answers to questions and NBC’s need to replay every contestant’s backstory for the 8,000th time, we were left with a three-second celebration of Ali’s big victory — the confetti hadn’t even hit the floor by the time we were seeing their disclaimer and the beginning of another creepy Law & Order episode.
But that wasn’t the worst part. There was only one thing I was looking forward to in the final episode. It wasn’t the winner (Ali — big surprise…there wasn’t even any suspense about it). It wasn’t Jillian, who still looked like she would attack anyone who came near, Venus fly trap-style. It wasn’t even Bob and Mark’s loving exchange, though that’s always a plus.
It was Paul. Remember Paul? That fat slobby lovable d-bag who loved his ex-wife, always said the wrong thing, and was a lock to put all the weight he lost back on the second he left the show? Well, it appears he did, as Alison Sweeney (stick to scripted tv Alison, good God did you struggle with a live show) announced that Paul was “too ill” to attend. Too ill? I know he had pneumonia after leaving the show, and that is sad. But really, there’s only one reason he wasn’t on screen, and it had more to do with thickness than sickness.
Bad form, NBC or Paul, whoever made the decision. He was the most entertaining part of the show, aside from figuring out how the gayest man alive had the most masculine tattoos.
A few other things I took away:
1. Kelly looked great. I really liked Kelly by the end of it. She never really cared about the gameplay and toughed it out through some serious injuries. She also lost what was effectively a teenager off her body.
2. Other than Mark, whose life changed in the same way as born-again Christians, I think Danny looked like he turned things around the most. They all obviously had major changes, but Danny’s still young and enthusiastic. He wasn’t on the show to prolong his life for the sake of his kids — obviously a great goal, though — he just wanted to live like a kid in his mid-20s. Bravo, Danny.
3. Holy crap, Lynn wasn’t as lazy as I thought!
4. Ali and Bette Sue comprise the most annoying family on television.
5. But most importantly, what am I going to blog about? Will Pax Arcana continue to get linked on boston.com without my wagering figures on fat people? Will Mrs. Pax Arcana continue to have reasons to send me text messages while her husband is none-the-wiser? The questions are unending.