There is probably no surer sign of traumatic brain injury than voluntarily submitting to the will of the evil axis of zombies and scientists — yet that’s exactly what happened when 12 of the world’s top athletes willfully donated their brains to Boston University.
We’ve already chronicled the nefarious intentions of the world’s scientists, who seek to destroy humankind either by sucking us through manmade black holes or letting loose radioactive fungi into our bowls of cream of mushroom soup. The threat of zombies should be self-evident by now.
But all this information wasn’t enough to stop former Patriots player Ted Johnson, and others, from falling prey to smooth-talking charms of the scientific community. The athletes have vowed to donate their brains to help researchers study the long-term effects of concussions. The issue has come to the forefront in recent years, in part due to the well-publicized depression — and in the case of former Dolphins player John Grimsley, suicide — of some former NFL players:
Of the six former N.F.L. players’ brains that have been examined in this manner, Grimsley’s was the fifth to be found to have chronic traumatic encephalopathy, joining the former Philadelphia Eagles defensive back Andre Waters and the former Pittsburgh Steelers Mike Webster, Terry Long and Justin Strzelczyk. (The condition can be confirmed only by post-mortem tissue analysis; X-rays and magnetic resonance imaging tests cannot yet detect it.) Because each player died relatively young, from 36 to 50, they provided an opportunity to examine brain abnormalities that are exceedingly rare in someone of that age without a history of repetitive brain injury.
This is all very sad. Especially since the scientists allowed the zombies to draft the agreement paperwork stipulating that the brains be donated not “at the time of death of the party of the first part,” as originally agreed, but instead “BRRAAAAAAAAINNS NNNOOWWWWW .”