Pax Arcana
I’ve always had a soft spot for Roger Clemens. It’s in my backyard, and by “soft spot” I mean “quicksand-filled trench in which I hope to lure the bloated jackass and fire potatoes at him until he begs for mercy.”
As a Mets fan, you can probably guess why I detest that hulking neanderthal so much. NO ONE THROWS BAT SHARDS AT MIKEY PIAZZA AND EVADES THE WRATH OF THE SHEA FAITHFUL! DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU VISCOUS MASS OF ARTIFICIAL TISSUE? NO ONE!
Anyway, it turns out that despite Clemens’ love affair with illicit performance enhancing drugs, he still needed a little help getting hopped up for Game 2 of the 2000 World Series.
He needed a man’s hands on his balls.
Via Fan IQ (and Deadspin) comes the most repellent story of crotch-based heat induction since I put Tabasco sauce in Father Scott’s mayonnaise:
The story comes courtesy of Yankee trainer Steve Donahue who told Verducci about what Roger Clemens did as part of his usual routine to get ready for facing the Mets in Game 2 of the 2000 World Series. Donahue said Clemens’ usual pregame preparation included taking a whirlpool bath at the hottest temperature possible.
But here’s the money quote:
“He’d start snorting like a bull,” the trainer said. “That’s when he was ready to pitch.”
Perhaps this is why his pants are always on fire?
If You Ever Wondered Why Roger Clemens Always Looked So Angry, Tom Verducci Has The Answer [Fan IQ]
Roger Clemens Will Be Ready To Pitch…Right After His Sadomasochistic Rubdown [Deadspin]
So wait, the Padre likes to mayonnaise on his crotch? Whoa. TMI.
I read that sentence three or four times to try to figure out the reference. As it turns out, Pax’s jokes are much like Mets hitters: all too often they swing and miss.
Let’s just say Father Scott has a lot of demons, and most of them are fueled by mayonnaise. And Rachel Nichols.