Wednesday Wobbling Whimperfest (and link dump)

Normally it’s Father Scott’s job to clean up the sad tears and corndog crumbs of the prior evening’s episode of The Biggest Loser. But he’s in Prague on my behalf this week, trying to secure me several necessities for my new Czech mountain redoubt.

Last night was the “makeover episode” which is like the Super Bowl of weeping. Not only do they dress the rapidly reducing contestants in silk finery hand-picked by tastemaster Tim Gunn, but they also “surprise” them each with visits from family members on the show.

Here’s a math formula I devised to show how the makeover episode works:

Presence of family members + new threads – (Jillian² + Bob) = (∑)∞

Where ∑ = the number of times someone cries openly.

In the end, one of these blubbering messes had to go home. Turns out that was Rebecca, who complained the entire time about people pointing out that she had such a pretty face for a fat girl. While her complaint is understandable, she should really take a look around before saying stuff like that at a TV camp full of fatties. Most of those people are fat and ugly, Rebecca. They don’t want to hear it.

Rebecca’s loss keeps Liz in the competition. Liz is funny, because she is slowly morphing into President Bush. Last night, as the contestants pulled their way across a gorge on ropes, she did it with her eyes closed the entire time. She literally said “I know that whut I cain’t see cain’t hurt me.” TELL THAT TO THE TALIBAN, PRESIDENT BUSH!

Meanwhile, former Biggest Loser contestant Tara is blogging about the show for People magazine’s Web site. Here’s her lede from last night:

“I can remember so vividly the memories of makeover week.”

And they say journalism is dying.

Anyway, here’s some links to shit that I’ve been sitting on for a while. Enjoy.

  • Scientists have successful regrown replacement rabbit penises in a lab. Because why the fuck not? [Wired]
  • Newly discovered Mayan murals depict the lives of regular people. They are shown drinking Velveeta from clay pots and watching Two and a Half Men. [LiveScience]
  • Researchers in Egypt may have found the remains of 50,000 members of the Persian army that were consumed by a sandstorm 2,500 years ago. Long story short: prepare to be massacred by the howling reanimated bones of an ancient desert army. [MSNBC]
  • Here’s more than you ever needed to know about the dust under your couch. [LiveScience]
  • Check out this map of the US states by smoking rate. Look at it closely. There’s a subtle trend there. Here’s a hint: The moron states have the most smokers. Nice work, Kentucky. [WSJ]
  • I love Steven Pinker, even when he’s tearing people I like a new one. Here he is explaining why Malcolm Gladwell is part genius, part nincompoop. [NYT]
  • Wine rankings are total bullshit. Except for mine. I give points based on whether I paid for it or not. It’s free? Perfect score!! [WSJ]
  • New Yorker writer Ken Auletta hosted a panel discussion on the topic of humor with Judd Apatow and Sarah Silverman. He tried to be funny. Bad idea. [NYT]
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