Maybe it’s not Hitler’s head hole?

The story of Adolph Hitler’s final demise is well-known among the educated elite with whom I lunch and occasionally sup. First he yelled about getting banned from Wikipedia, then he took a cyanide pill and popped a cap through his dome-piece just before the Soviet Army cracked its way into his bunker in Berlin.

The Russians then tossed his body in a pit and burned it. Then buried it. Then unburied it. Then buried it again. Then dug it up again. Then cremated it.

At some point during the burying and unburying, the Russians came across a piece of a skull with a bullet hole in it that seemed to corroborate the facts. At least until recently, when a team of American researchers determined that the skull belonged not to Hitler, but to…

… a woman under 40!!

According to witnesses, the bodies of Hitler and Braun had been wrapped in blankets and carried to the garden just outside the Berlin bunker, placed in a bomb crater, doused with petrol and set ablaze.

But the skull fragment the Russians dug up outside the Führerbunker in 1946 could never have belonged to Hitler. The skull DNA was incontestably female. The only positive physical proof that Hitler had shot himself had suddenly been rendered worthless. The result is a mystery reopened and, for conspiracy theorists the tantalising possibility that Hitler did not die in the bunker.

Once again the mainstream media denigrates people like me as “conspiracy theorists” just for asking the hard questions. Is there a possibility, given this evidence, that Hitler escaped his bunker and fled Germany before the fall of the Reich? Can anyone positively SAY they didn’t see him board a spacecraft in 1962 with Lyndon Johnson and Queen Elizabeth? Is there any way to RULE OUT the possibility that Hitler had a sex change and was artificially inseminated with a Kenyan muslim baby who would then TAKE OVER America? ARE FLUORESCENT LIGHT BULBS REAL OR IS THE GOBBERMENT LISSNING TO EVERY WORRD??????????

Tests on skull fragment cast doubt on Adolf Hitler suicide story [Guardian UK]

Nefertiti had a great personality

Pax Arcana

The famous bust of Nefertiti is one of the world’s sharpest and most captivating images of ancient beauty. Ever since its discovery in 1912, the bust has served as a symbol of the ethereal and elegant queen of the Nile.

However, recent advances in CT technology have allowed researchers to delve deeper into the multiple layers of the bust. What they found may have a lasting impact on our concept on this famous historical touchstone:

Their analysis showed that compared to the outer stucco face, the inner face had less prominent cheekbones, a slight bump on the ridge of the nose, creases around the corner of mouth and cheeks, and less depth at the corners of the eyelids.

The changes were possibly made to make the queen adhere more to the ideals of beauty of the time, the researchers said.

Which is all a nice way of saying that Nefertiti was uglier than a bucket of smashed crabs. I mean seriously, people, that lady could make an onion cry, am I right? SHE COULD HAVE BEEN A TRAVELING WILBURY, IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.

“Beauty of the Nile” may have had ancient makeover [Reuters]

British people giving us fewer reasons to love them

Pax Arcana

While their empire disappeared faster than a plate of bubble and squeak at an RAF reunion, the British have always provided the world with a surfeit of  awesomely giggletastic surnames for us to mock.

Who hasn’t chortled at the thought of boarding the tube at Piccadilly and running into old Eton chums like Phineas T. Ramsbottom and Nigel Hornblower?

Bernard Nipplestamp, my old headmaster at the St. Hubbins School for Spry Young Vicars

But unfortunately the age of silly British last names is quickly coming to an end, as some change their names and others run for the border:

A study found the number of people with the name Cock shrank to 785 last year from 3,211 in 1881, those called Balls fell to 1,299 from 2,904 and the number of Deaths were reduced to 605 from 1,133.

People named Smellie decreased by 70 percent, Dafts by 51 percent, Gotobeds by 42 percent, Shufflebottoms by 40 percent, and Cockshotts by 34 percent, said Richard Webber, visiting professor of geography at King’s College, London.

Comparing the popularity of names in Britain from the 1881 census to today, researchers found that the top 6 surnames were exactly the same — Smith, Jones, Williams, Brown, Taylor, and Davies. Asian names like Wang have grown preciptiously during the past few decades.

Oh well. At least we still have the Dutch to make fun of. Isn’t that right, Countess von Fingerplunk?

Britain running out of Cocks [Metro UK]

Horse thieves beware

Pax Arcana

While the Internet gets all the attention these days, it is wise to remember that modern life is rife with scourges left over from olden days. For example, who hasn’t been the victim of a moustache tugging at the hands of some ruffian? Or had his monocle pilfered from his frock coat whilst lounging with a snooker of laudanum at the apothecary?

But chief among these offenses is horse thievery.

Luckily the denizens of Dedham, MA — including in their number Paxites Father Scott and Birch — are well-protected from such wickedness. According to Birch, the town is home to a great contingent of men called the Society in Dedham for Apprehending Horse Thieves.

Look, they have a logo and everything:

According to the Web site, the society was founded in 1810, and for the past 100 years or so has apprehended thieves at the rate of exactly 0 per century. But that hasn’t stopped the society from recruiting from among the world’s elite to fill its ranks, just in case:

Since 1810, the Society has enrolled nearly 10,000 members, worldwide, although the actual number of living members is problematical, since many of those who have died have also failed to remove themselves from the rolls. Members have included Popes, most of the recent Presidents of the United States (except Jimmy Carter, who seems to have excited little interest), General George Armstrong Custer (a posthumous selection), and Raquel Welch (a spontaneous nomination).

It’s hard to disagree with the choice of Raquel Welch, but it seems like they’re setting the bar awfully high for membership. If I weren’t already a member of the Grand Council of the Great and Serious Men of Science, I would probably be intimidated by the application process. Plus I don’t live in Dedham.

If only there were some other way…

Oh lookie!

For a one-time ten-dollar fee, anyone may enroll him- or herself, or a friend for a lifetime membership, and create an affiliation with an historic organization, and the ancient Town of Dedham.

LOOK OUT HORSE THIEVES!!!

The Society in Dedham for Apprehending Horse Thieves [Home]

Self-plagiarism: Happy something day, you mackerel-snappers!

Pax Arcana

Editor’s Note: This post was originally published on St. Patrick’s Day 2008. I think it says everything I will ever have to say on this occasion, and is therefore ripe for a reprint. Once I figure out how to monetize online content, I may have to pay myself twice for this — I’m not sure.

I have a soft spot for St. Patrick’s Day, as it was on this day in 2001 that I first left my slobbering imprint on the gorgeous visage of the stately and beatific Mrs. Pax Arcana. That anniversary has since been replaced by a wedding anniversary, but still you never forget the first time you drag a passed-out drunk kid named Murph out of your room in a rented ski house so you can plant one on your future wife, do you?

“Dude. Check it. It’s regular beer. But it’s green! GREEN DUDE! Isn’t that the bomb?”

And of course, Boston is really the global hub of St. Patrick’s Day celebrations. What in Ireland is a minor holiday — and in New York is essentially a boring girl-scout parade — is to the average Boston-area moron the social event of the year. St. Patrick’s Day in Boston has it all — New Hampshire tourists in green and gold Dr. Seuss hats harassed by Dorchester toughs in Adidas visors and wife-beaters T-shirts (certainly appropriate on these mooks). There’s also your garden-variety gay bashing, your frat-guy projectile vomiting contests, and your stumbling drunk coeds struggling to guide their cabs from Quincy to Allston. Go Boston.

All in all, I find St. Patrick’s Day utterly adorable. I like to think of the life St. Patrick himself, a former slave from the English mainland who returned to Ireland sometime in the 5th century and converted many to Christianity.

I wonder if he knew the hell that would be visited on the spiritual descendants of those early Christians just a few hundred years later, as wave after wave of Viking ships crashed down on the countryside. All the social order and peace imposed by the Christians left the monks rich and defenseless — a combination the Vikings found both hilarious and profitable!

So anyway, enjoy St. Patrick’s Day, my Irish friends. Drink your Guinness. Pretend you like the Dropkick Murphys. Barf up your corned beef at the Purple Shamrock. Just remember to keep your heads on a swivel, because you never know when history might repeat itself.

We’re gonna need more bricks

Pax Arcana

An archaeological dig on an island north of Venice, Italy, has uncovered evidence that medieval Italians knew way more about vampires than even the most learned of modern men.

At the site of a mass burial pit on the island, researchers discovered the remains of a woman in her 60s who had been buried around the year 1576. Someone had stuffed a brick in her mouth, which scientists believe was a form of vampire exorcism:

To kill the undead creatures, the stake-in-the-heart method popularized by later literature was not enough: A stone or brick had to be forced into the vampire’s mouth so that it would starve to death, Borrini said.

Some researchers think the rampant fear of vampires was triggered by the reopening of mass graves — a necessity in an age rife with plagues and werewolf attacks. Gravediggers would see decomposing bodies with blood and bile leaking from their mouths and holes were their burial shrouds once covered the bodies’ faces.

Scientists say those were just normal signs of decomposition, but the clever medieval gravediggers and priests knew better. Them dead wasn’t dead!

That’s what is believed to have happened to the woman found on the Lazzaretto island, which was used as a quarantine zone by Venice. Aged around 60, she died of the plague during the epidemic that also claimed the life of the painter Titian.

Much later, someone jammed the brick into her mouth when the grave was reopened. Borrini said that marks and breaks left by blunt instruments on several among more than 100 skeletons found by the archaeologists show that the grave was reused in a later epidemic.

Of course these medieval heroes weren’t right about everything. For one thing, they didn’t realize that vampires can digest certain kinds of bricks — especially those with a higher clay-to-mud ratio. Many medieval scholars also blamed the Jews for plagues and pestilence, which is just plain ridiculous.

Italy dig on Venice island unearths woman’s body with evidence of vampire-slaying ritual [Newser]

Cover them up!!! COVER THEM BACK UP!!!

Pax Arcana

A bunch of archaeologists were hanging out down in Guatemala recently, playing in the dirt and eating Fiambre and stuff. Eventually they stumbled across something interesting:

Archeologists have uncovered carved stucco panels depicting cosmic monsters, gods and serpents in Guatemala’s northern jungle that are the oldest known depictions of a famous Mayan creation myth.

OK awesome thanks. Cover them up now please.

The newly discovered panels, both 26 feet long and stacked on top of each other, were created around 300 BC and show scenes from the core Mayan mythology, the Popol Vuh.

Seriously. Please, please cover them up again.

“This is pre-Christian, it has tremendous antiquity and shows again the remarkable resilience of an ideology that’s existed for thousands of years,” Hansen, an Idaho State University archeologist who has worked at El Mirador for over a decade, said.

DEAR GOD ARE YOU NOT LISTENING??? COVER. THEM. BACK. UP!!!!!

On one panel, the twins are depicted surrounded by cosmic monsters and above them is a bird deity with outstretched wings. On the other, there is a Mayan corn god framed by an undulating serpent, said Hansen who worked as a consultant for Mel Gibson’s 2006 movie about the Maya, “Apocalypto.”

Shhhh……… did you hear that?

Ohhh NOOOOOOOOO!

I AM THE GREAT FIRE GOD ZOLTAN!!! WHO DARES AWAKEN ME FROM MY SLUMBER???!!

MANY YEARS HAVE I KEPT WATCH OVER THE RIVER BASIN, MY SACRED PANELS BURIED SAFELY BENEATH THE SURFACE.

IN THE GREAT FIRES OF THE MIGHTY VOLCANO DID I VOW TO CONSUME THE HUMANS WITH THE SULFUROUS FIRES OF THE UNDERWORLD IF THEY UNEARTHED MY MIGHTY SYMBOLS!!!

Rare Maya panels found in Guatemala [Reuters]

Lincoln’s watch knew what time it was

Pax Arcana

Old people often tell hilariously exaggerated stories of their youthful adventures. My grandfather, for example, insists he served in something called “the Army” during World War II and spent time on a boat big enough to land planes on! Can you imagine?!!!

Anyway, it appears that one old guy at least was telling the truth when he told the New York Times in 1906 that he’d carved a pro-Union message on the inside of Abraham Lincoln’s pocketwatch. A scant 103 years later, the Times was able to confirm the man’s tale:

In the article Mr. Dillon, then 84, recounted that he was working at M. W. Galt & Company, a watch shop on Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, in April 1861 when the shop’s owner, Mr. Galt, hurried upstairs to tell him, “War has begun; the first shot has been fired.”

“At that moment I had in my hand Abraham Lincoln’s watch, which I had been repairing,” Dillon told The Times, adding that he later learned it was the first watch that Lincoln ever owned.

So Dillon carved the below message in between the tiny gears of the watch and returned it to the president, who never found out about its existence:

“Jonathan Dillon April 13- 1861 Fort Sumpter was attacked by the rebels on the above date. J Dillon. April 13- 1861 Washington thank God we have a government Jonth Dillon.”

The inscription was uncovered this week at the Smithsonian museum after Douglas Stiles, a great-great-grandson of Dillon’s, told the museum of the 1906 Times article and his own family’s legend about the inscription.

In an intriguing twist, it appears Lincoln himself had carved a message into the same watch:

OMG ur amrican cuzzin f-ing rulez… ROTFL LOL!!!11! OWCHH!!!

Smithsonian scholars have yet been unable to deduce the meaning of Lincoln’s message, if any.

Timeless Lincoln Memento Is Revealed [NY Times]

Barbie was made for boys

Pax Arcana

If she were human, Barbie would be the most anatomically improbable human ever to roam the oversized plastic playhouses of the modern world. But you knew that.

You also knew that despite multiple decades of scorn from progressives who despise those proportions — not to mention her lack of pigment, support for the Iraq War, and appalling silence on the issue of animal testing — Barbie has remained a remarkably popular toy franchise since her initial creation in 1959.

What you probably didn’t know is that the original Barbie doll was modeled after the Lilli doll. And the Lilli doll was not made for girls:

At that time, girls played with baby dolls and prepubescent-shaped fashion dolls. Lilli, on the other hand, had big, thickly lined eyes that gazed suggestively to the side. Her crimson lips puckered slightly with a flirtatious pout. Standing in black spike heels, Lilli’s impossibly petite feet supported a distinct hourglass frame.

With advertising taglines such as, “Whether more or less naked, Lilli is always discreet,” and a wardrobe consisting of negligees, tiny tops and tight pants, Lilli dolls were essentially sex toys. People gave them as bachelor gifts, some men rode around with Lilli on their dashboards, and others bought them just for the cheap thrill out of peeping under her alluring ensembles.

Lilli became Barbie when Mattell founder Ruth Handler discovered them while on vacation in Switzerland. She convinced her design team to recreate the dolls and renamed them Barbie.

Curiously, this wasn’t the first time — nor the last — that a German sex toy made it big in the U.S. as a child’s toy. You guys remember playing Uncle Fritz’s Wiener Factory with that vagrant at the playground, right? Right? Oh I’m soooo sad.

Who invented the Barbie doll and why? [How Stuff Works]

The redcoats had a lot of balls

Pax Arcana

March 5 marks the 238th anniversary of the Boston Massacre, in which a troop of British soldiers outside the Custom House fired cowardly into the mob that was, um, attacking it.

Five people were killed in the fight, and another six were wounded. Considering there were only eight British soldiers with muzzle-loading muskets — and only six total shots were fired — it seems awfully strange that 11 people were hit.

The answer, according to J.L. Bell, lies in the particular musket loading technique employed by the British soldiers. It turns out the redcoats had a lot of balls:

The most likely explanation is that the soldiers each had two balls in their muskets. Those guns worked more like shotguns than like modern rifles. When gunpowder ignited inside the tubes, it pushed out whatever had been tamped down in there—one ball, two balls, buckshot, nothing but powder (called “snapping” the gun).

In fact, we have evidence of soldiers elsewhere in Boston that night being ordered to put two balls into their muskets. On 17 March, future American artillery captain Edward Crafts (younger brother of coroner Thomas Crafts) told the town’s investigation that the day after the Massacre he’d talked with a “Corporal McCan”—probably Hugh McCann of the 29th Regiment.

McCann reportedly told Crafts that on the night of the 5th:

his orders were, when the party came from the guard-house by the fortification [on the Boston Neck], if any person or persons assaulted them, to fire upon them, every man being loaded with a brace of balls.

”Brace” is an antique synonym for “pair,” usually used these days in the context of hunting. Folks of the late eighteenth century seem to have liked the alliteration of “a brace of balls,” since it shows up in other newspaper stories.

The term “brace of balls” has a slightly different meaning in present-day Boston. As in, “THAT FACKING TURNCOAT MIKEY VRABEL HAS A FACKING BRACE OF BAWLS IF HE THINK WE-AH GUNNA TAKE IT EASY ON THE FACKIN’ CHEEFS NEXT YE-UH.”

How Could Six Shots Hit Eleven People? [Boston 1775]