A man this awesome needs more names

Scandinavia is a land of unspeakable danger, what with all the trolls, elves, black metal bands, snow nazis, socialized medicine, maelstroms, and, um, fjord goblins scattered throughout the landscape.

To combat these threats, a man needs three things:

1.  A handsome face

2. A mullet

3. Names. Lots of them. Tough ones.

Say hello to Andreas Jankov. Whoops, sorry — that was his old name. I meant say hello to Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov:

According to Videogum, the ginger giant here changed his name to prove he was serious about never, ever, getting laid:

“I wanted to show that it is possible to be serious and at the same time take the name you like,” said Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov to VG Nett.

…

The 30-year-old has acquired both passports and bank cards, but the name he has no room for.The passport has Highlander omitted.

What? THE HIGHLANDER WAS THE WHOLE THING!!!!

That’s Your Name [Videogum]

Sell me your fucking condo

Pax Arcana

Hey. Hey you.

Yeah, that’s right — I’m talking to you, numbnuts. Now turn around and wipe that smile off your face. Good. Now, put your hands behind your head and walk backward toward me nice and slow. OK stop right there.

Good.

Alright — now listen real good because I’m only going to say this once.

Sell me your fucking condo.

DON’T TURN AROUND I DIDN’T TELL YOU TO TURN AROUND

Pay attention, asshole. My wife and I want to buy your condo. And when we want something, we don’t pussyfoot around. You feel that heavy cylinder pressing up against the small of your back? Yeah? What do you think that is? That’s right — it’s a rolled up stack of listing sheets from the 612 open houses we went to this spring before we stumbled across your place last weekend.

I understand we’re not the only ones interested in your condo, either. Our realtor tells us you’ve already fielded another offer, which we believe is higher than our offer.

Well guess who’s got his hairy forearms around your neck and doesn’t give a fuck. That’s right — this guy.

I DIDN’T SAY YOU COULD LOOK ME IN THE EYE NOW TURN BACK AROUND AND FACE THE WALL

I can see that you’re upset by my negotiating tactics, so let’s just all take a minute to calm down and collect ourselves. Just breathe easy for a few seconds and we can proceed like adults, OK?

Good.

Now let’s start from the beginning. You own a condo. We like your condo. You are selling your condo. We want to buy your condo. Don’t you see how easy this is?

SELL ME YOUR FUCKING CONDO

Pax Scandinavia: “Oh we are so screwed! Er, maybe not” edition

Perry Ellis

I’m “working” from home today, which means I’m keeping an eye on a few RSS feeds on the off chance something comes through that’s important enough for me to stop browsing the Interwebs for the mildly titillating (titillating is a funny word).

So I was minding my own business, checking out Sarah Palin’s debate strategy, when this came in over the transom and caused me to spray jasmine tea all over the monitor:

Pax Joins Megger Group to Expand Transformer Test Product Line

For a second, I thought a bunch of Scandinavian dweebs wanted to buy our site and turn us into electrical engineering zombie slaves.

Turns out instead the Swedish nerdy types stole our brilliant, catchy name and slapped it on some type of technical-related doodad thingy:

“The Pax IDAX range of Dielectric Frequency Response Analyzers are designed for measuring moisture in power transformers as well as testing insulation material in various power system products. The IDAX300 represents the latest generation in the well-known IDA/IDAX range of instruments and represents a breakthrough in terms of weight-performance ratio. With its optimised design the test set is three times smaller and lighter and performs insulation characterisation twice as fast as its predecessor IDA200.”

So no threat from the zombies, but still, they ripped us off, right? Straight-up stole our groundbreaking moniker for their own dorky purposes.

Wait, what’s that you say? The Swedish brainiacs founded their Pax in 2004? We were up then, right?

No? Ah. I see.

Nothing to see here. Carry on.

Perry Amnesia: Happy Anniversary to the Arcanas

Perry Ellis

With chagrin at its belateditude, we’re sending out a hearty “Happy Anniversary!” to Pax Arcana and the discerning and delightful Mrs. Arcana. Congratulations on three years down and many, many more to come. Hopefully we’ll raise a glass in person soon to celebrate, you crazy kids.

Pax Power Ranger

Perry Ellis

Devoted readers are well aware of our gracious host’s prowess with bat, ball and tight trousers — after all, the man does hold several Middlebury slugging records.

But even the most assiduous of Pax Arcanites might not realize that the gentleman in question remains a force to be reckoned with, especially at the plate. As someone with just enough coordination to ride a bike without falling down (much), I admire people who can actually play sports with other, fast-moving objects.

Especially when they’re good at it. Here are the Paxman’s year-to-date stats as the David Ortiz of the Boston Men’s Baseball League Rangers:

G AB R H RBI BB SO OBP SLG AVG OPS
6 21 5 11 4 1 4 0.522 0.905 0.524 1.427

It’s enough to make you run to the Pax Arcana Store and buy one of those spiffy T-shirts, ain’t it?

And here’s the best part:

Awww. Vikings are so cute when they’re small.

Oh we are even more screwed

Perry Ellis

Thank Baldr we’ll be safely ensconced at home with Buster Ellis, with the doors locked anda great big can full of zombie whupass, when this scourge hits our shores:

Now they have their own fucking band!?

At least we have this going for us:

Take that, zombie musician bitches!

One phone to rule the world

Perry Ellis

Here’s one to warm the cockles of Pax Arcana’s cold, northern heart. The Old Grey Lady sez we should gird ourselves for an invasion of über-connected Vikings armed with the latest in portable phone technology that doesn’t really work all that great as a phone:

“On Tuesday, operator TeliaSonera announced it will sell Apple’s iPhone in Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Finland, Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia.”

Ireland, you have been warned.

This day in history

Perry Ellis

On this day in history, the following notable events occurred:

In 1809, Mary Kies of South Killingly, Conn., became the first woman to be granted a patent. The patent was for the rights to a technique for weaving straw with silk and thread.

In 1821, Napoleon Bonaparte died on the island of St. Helena.

In 1864, American newspaper writer Nellie Bly was born.

In 1891, Carnegie Hall (then known as Music Hall) opened in New York City, with Peter Tchaikovsky as guest conductor.

In 1925, John Scopes was arrested in Tennessee for teaching Darwinism.

In 1961, Alan Shepard became the first American in space.

In 1981, Bobby Sands of the Irish Republican Army died in a prison hospital on the 66th day of his hunger strike.

In 2004, Pablo Picasso’s “Boy with a Pipe” became the most expensive painting ever sold.

And, of course, in 1976, a woman in New Jersey gave birth to a beautiful, blond, 17-pound Viking warrior destined to save the human race from the triple-threat scourges of zombies, bad food and silly ideas.

 
             I can has razor pleez?

Happy Birthday Paxman! We’ll be thinking of you tonight, as you sip mead from the skulls of your enemies, during our 2-hour infant CPR class.

The Vikings didn’t kill that lady

Pax Arcana

Way back in 1904, researchers found a buried Viking ship in Oseberg, Norway with two dead ladies inside. The younger lady had a broken collarbone, so the scientists just assumed she’d been killed by her Viking tribe and buried with the older woman — presumably a queen.

Now, 104 years later, scientists are saying the Vikings didn’t actually kill the younger woman. High-tech images of the broken collarbone show that it had been healing for weeks before she died:

“We have no reason to think violence was the cause of death,” Per Holck, professor of anatomy at Oslo University, told Reuters after studying the two women who died in 834 aged about 80 and 50.

“The fracture could have been caused by stumbling or whatever. She could have been seriously hurt, got brain damage. But this fracture alone is no sign of killing,” he said.

If the head ain’t split, you must acquit

So for over 100 years scientists racially profiled these innocent Vikings — assuming the worst about them based on longstanding prejudices and legends. As if the culture that invented the world’s most technologically advanced wooden ships and shark fermenting pits had nothing better to do than sit around murdering 50 year old women.

They weren’t animals, you know.

Oh wait. There is this:

The old woman suffered from Morgagni’s syndrome, a hormonal disturbance that gave her a man-like appearance with a beard and a thick-set body.

Still, though, I hear she was pretty hot anyway.

Vikings acquitted in 100-year-old murder mystery [Reuters]

Hands off the Viking Bingo booty

Pax Arcana

“B4! Anyone? B4! Nei?”

Norwegian newspaper Aftenposten (via SbB) says a group of Viking Bingo enthusiasts spoiled an armed robber’s efforts to rob the game kitty by piling on top of him and attempting to crush his chest cavity.

The robber was still lying on the floor with around four or five bingo players holding him down when police arrived. “They had hung on to him for around 13 or 14 minutes,” Jørstad said.

Monica Belstad who works at Stovner Bingo said the robber had threatened her colleague with a weapon. “When she started yelling, he was tackled by customers,” Belstad said. The robber complained of breathing problems after being pinned down by the bingo players, and police felt obliged to call an ambulance.

This may be a slight mistranslation. The Norwegian phrase for “call an ambulance” is “foner på sickmanstrücken.” The phrase can also mean “stuff bingo balls up this man’s ass until he floats.”

The criminal justice system over there is a little different from ours.

Bingo players foil robbery [Aftenposten]