Category Archives: zombies

AAAAAHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pax Arcana

Futhermore, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Pax Arcana surrenders to robots, zombies, and scientists

Pax Arcana

Everybody stop what you’re doing this instant.

I have just been handed an urgent and terrifying news bulletin.

The noble warriors at Pax Arcana — and its legion of flying shark Vikings — have announced their intention to surrender in the war against robots, zombies, and scientists.

Their numbers are too great. Their thirst for brains, fuel, and power is too strong.

To those adversely affected by our decision, I apologize. We entered this war with every intention of vanquishing our common enemies.

In a final gesture of mercy, the coalition we have fought so hard for so long have offered us terms of surrender that we would be fools to decline. We have posted the full surrender compact after the jump. Continue reading

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Sharks bitey and killy this year

Perry Ellis

We’ve already exceeded last year’s sharkly death toll, according to The Associated Press (via Boston.com):

“An Austrian tourist died Monday after being bitten by a shark while diving near the Bahamas in waters that had been baited with bloody fish parts to attract the predators.

Markus Groh, 49, a Vienna lawyer and diving enthusiast, was on a commercial dive trip Sunday when he was bitten about 50 miles off the coast of Fort Lauderdale…”

Are the Flying Shark Vikings turning against us? Know fear.


Let’s just hope that was a zombie.

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Attack of the Viking death spores

Perry Ellis 

Run for the hills! Those crazy Scandinavians are at it again, this time risking the infection of the rest of the world with runaway doomsday Viking spores that turn their victims into slavering, flying-Viking-zombie-killing-shark-killing Viking zombies.

Wait. Scratch that. I misread the headline. Turns out it’s just a big box in the Artic Circle for storing seeds. Or something. No Vikings. No spores. No doomsday. No zombies. No flying Viking sharks killing zombies.

 No fun.

But at least we have this monkey:

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Sharks were more bitey, less killy last year

Pax Arcana

shark_kayak.jpg

Despite an increase in attacks overall, only one person died from a shark attack in 2007, the lowest worldwide total since 1987.

The Science Daily says the low fatality rate reinforces what your mother always told you about sharks — they’re more afraid of you than you are of them. OK maybe that was bees. Anyway, it means you’re really not likely to get swallowed up by a maneater, despite what the SciFi Channel says:

“It’s quite spectacular that for the hundreds of millions of people worldwide spending hundreds of millions of hours in the water in activities that are often very provocative to sharks, such as surfing, there is only one incident resulting in a fatality,” he said. “The danger of a shark attack stays in the forefront of our psyches because of it being drilled into our brain for the last 30 years by the popular media, movies, books and television, but in reality the chances of dying from one are infinitesimal.”

What the good doctor neglects to mention, of course, is that your chances of getting killed by a shark are greatly increased if you are already dead — a fact already established on this blog:

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The brotherhood of the Flying Shark Vikings (FSV) will not rest until the skies are 100% zombie-free

Human Deaths From Shark Attacks Hit 20-year Low Last Year [The Science Daily]

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Zombies in rear view mirror are faster than they appear

Slate writer Josh Levin, when not cowering in fear of preternaturally developed 12-year-olds, also cowers in fear of zombies.

In a 2004 Slate article, reprinted this week to commemorate the success of Will Smith’s I Am Legend zombie flick, Levin asked a simple question: Why do today’s movie zombies move much faster than the undead of yore?

From the article:

The oft-repeated image of a slow, walking line of zombies is the best representation of the zombie’s place in the scary-movie food chain. In horror, zombies behave more like a creeping plague or a disease than singularly terrifying monsters like Dracula or the Wolfman. Zombies have no individual identity, but rather get their power from membership in a group: It’s easy to kill one, but 1,000 indomitable flesh eaters may just overwhelm you.

zombies.jpg
Hey, that’s littering!

Today’s zombies, he says, are free to trot, gallop, and even sprint after their human prey, as in films like 28 Days Later, House of the Dead, Resident Evil, and the 2003 remake of Dawn of the Dead.

The reasons for this are twofold, he argues. For one thing, slow-moving reanimated corpses ate up a lot of screen time for low-budget filmmakers who couldn’t afford to shoot a lot of extraneous scenes. Digital cameras and editing equipment make this less important.

And the advent of realistic CGI means filmmakers can incorporate elements of video-game level speed in their violent thrashings:

The effect of corpse-heavy video games is all over the nascent fast-zombie genre. In first-person shooter games, the undead’s usual pack mentality is necessarily replaced by zombie exceptionalism: Each creature that jumps out from around the corner has to be an individual—fast, strong, and threatening. Even more so than Resident Evil, the movie version of House of the Dead follows this model, as filmed sequences of running, jumping, and swimming zombies are actually intercut with parallel scenes from the corpse shoot-‘em-up video game.

One of the early themes of this blog was that Pax Arcana was painfully afraid of zombies. That was good for a few laughs, but it’s hard to sustain that kind of humor over time, especially since we’ve found it awfully hard to maintain the illusion that zombies could actually exist. We’re science-oriented people at Pax Arcana. We don’t believe in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, or zombies. In fact, Father Scott once said thaggggggrrwwwworr asdf afdskfAFHELP!HELP! awwwaf lka;s;l;;lkj;fadva6541414654esa-d0f98-ioh

The Running Dead [Slate]

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Now playing: Grinderman – No Pussy Blues
via FoxyTunes

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Zombies emerging from rocks and ice to get us

The Paxernet is abuzz today with two grisly discoveries that could forever change the balance of power betwixt man and zombie.

And for once, Larry King has nothing to do with it.

zombie.jpg

“Hey you. You’re totally f—ed.”
[Photo credit: Daniel Hollister -- www.danielhollister.com]

First comes news from North Dakota that paleontologists have excavated a hadrosaur — a duck-billed dinosaur that once roamed the great plains — complete with fossilized skin, tissue, and possibly organs intact.

From Wired:

Nicknamed Dakota, the hadrosaur is one of only five naturally preserved dinosaur mummies ever discovered. Unlike previous dinosaur mummies, which typically involve skin impressions pressed into bones, Dakota’s entire skin envelope appears to remain largely intact.

“The skin has been mineralized,” said Manning. “It is an actual three-dimensional structure, backfilled with sediment.”

More zombie horror stories after the jump.

Continue reading

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Careful what you wish for

zombiegrandpa.jpg

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Plastic ghoul spooks grown woman

The run-up to the War on Christmas comes earlier every year, doesn’t it?

This year’s pre-hysteria began this week when a member of the Applebee’s tribe complained that a Halloween display at a local Wal-Mart was too scary. After reflexively hacking at the plastic goblin (pictured below) with her homemade Winnie the Pooh Hallmark figurine necklace, Adriana Whitney went right to the media to complain about the offending display.

Let’s have a look for ourselves:

ghoul.jpg

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!

OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGod,

Oh God, makeitgoawayandI’llneversaymeanthingsaboutzombieseveragain…

From the article:

Whitney said her daughters had nightmares after seeing the decoration and couldn’t sleep in their rooms.

“They had to sleep in my room because they were so scared,” she said.

Sounds like some little girl needs to curl up with the Viking kitty:

vikingkitty.jpg

Texas mother angry over graphic Halloween display in Wal-Mart [KSN]

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Built to last: Viking* sword unearthed in Sweden

vikingsword.jpgAardvarchaeology, the world’s #1 archaeology blog (seriously) has a neat little post about unearthing a 16th-century sword (right) in Sweden:

It’s a straight double-edged sword, 92 cm long with a single-hand grip. Nils Drejholt of the Royal Armoury tells me that it’s an early-16th century weapon, unusually designed but similar in details to the so-called rikssvärden, “swords of the realm”, ceremonial weapons commissioned by King Gustaf I.

The date tallies well with the level above the sea considering shore displacement. The sword appears to have been dropped into the water from a nearby quayside whose remains I’ve located or from a ship moored at the quay. Indeed, judging from the topography, Djurhamn was a really good harbour only until about 1600 when the entrance channel to a natural lagoon had shrunk too much to allow the passage of ships any more. The former lagoon is now a large tract of marshy forest.

Or, in Swedish:

Den arkeologiska inventeringen har gjorts på initiativ av ett lokalt projekt kallat Vasakungarnas Djurhamn. Det är Riksantikvarieämbetet som bestämmer hur arkeologiska fynd ska fördelas på olika museer. Rundkvist håller för troligt att svärdet småningom kommer att placeras i Livrustkammaren, som visar vapen från den aktuella tidsperioden.

No word yet on how many zombie kill notches are carved in the handle.

Djurhamn Sword Excavated [Aardvarchaeology]

* Our friend in Sweden rightly corrects us to say that the sword is not really a Viking sword, since it was made in the 1500’s. Also because it’s like 13 feet too short and 60 pounds too light.

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