For example, I have been doing things other than holing up in my fortified estate typing on this blog. For one thing, I saw a movie about a white marine who sexes up blue aliens. It was called Dances with Space Wolves. I also saw another movie, about a white business guy who sexes up a white business lady and flies a lot. It was called Airplane Road Trip. It may be the best movie I’ve seen in years (note: I have not seen many movies in the past few years).

However, I have spent most of the time I would usually devote to combing the Internets for lulz and giggs worthy of my loyal followers in the pursuit of reading words that some crazy fool has stamped onto paper rectangles and glued together. My grandpa calls these things “books,” and this one in particular is riveting:

I hope to be back to my regular schedule of useless typing soon. In the meantime, do yourself a favor and hope they turn Wolf Hall into an HBO mini-series or something. I only have the one copy, so it will take forever to pass it around to all of you…

I could have tried to be clever and called this post “Listomania” to reference Phoenix, but I’m not that much of a douchebag. Instead, I’m just presenting to you the 100% scientifically accurate lists of the Top 101 Songs of the Decade, the Top 104.1 Songs of 2009 (in honor of the late WBCN), and the Top 10 Albums of 2009. Also, check out my 2009 in Review note on Facebook here.

If you don’t like it, sit and wait for Pax’s lists that are TBA.

Top 10 Albums of 2009

Worst Album: Muse – The Resistance
10. Kylesa – Static Tensions
9. Have Nots – Serf City USA
8. Cage the Elephant – Cage the Elephant
7. New Found Glory – Not Without A Fight
6. MC Lars – This Gigantic Robot Kills
5. Rancid – Let The Dominoes Fall
4. Anti-Flag – The People or the Gun
3. Lamb of God – Wrath
2. Billy Talent – Billy Talent III
1. Psychostick – Sandwich

Top 104.1 Songs of 2009

104.1. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones – You Left Right? (Pin Points And Gin Joints)
104. Clutch – Motherless Child (Strange Cousins From The West)
103. Big Business – Ayes Have It (Mind The Drift)
102. Kittie – Falling Down (In The Black)
101. Les Claypool – Bite Out Of Life (Of Fungi And Foe)
100. Franz Ferdinand – No You Girls (Tonight: Franz Ferdinand)
99. Atmosphere – C’mon (Leak at Will)
98. Brand New – At the Bottom (Daisy)
97. Arctic Monkeys – Crying Lightning (Humbug)
96. Marilyn Manson – Arma-Goddamn-Motherfuckin-Geddon (The High End Of Low)
95. A Fine Frenzy – What I Wouldn’t Do (Bomb In A Birdcage)
94. Lady Sovereign – So Human (Jigsaw)
93. Biffy Clyro – The Captain (Only Revolutions)
92. Lunatica – The Incredibles (New Shores)
91. Static-X – Terminal (Cult Of Static)
90. The New Alibis – The Otherside (Hard Promises)
89. Hockey – Too Fake (Mind Chaos)
88. Dethklok – The Gears (Dethalbum II)
87. Delain – Control The Storm (April Rain)
86. Death by Stereo – I Sing for You (Death Is My Only Friend)
85. Amberian Dawn – Shallow Waters (The Clouds Of Northland Thunder)
84. The Decemberists – Won’t Want For Love (Margaret In the Taiga) (The Hazards Of Love)
83. Idlewild – Readers & Writers (Post Electric Blues)
82. (hed) P.E. – Tow The Line (New World Orphans)
81. Suidakra – Feats Of War (Crógacht)
80. The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus – Lonely Road (Lonely Road)
79. Regina Spektor – The Calculation (Far)
78. Tori Amos – Not Dying Today (Abnormally Attracted To Sin)
77. The Raveonettes – Bang! (In And Out Of Control)
76. NOFX – Best God In Show (Coaster)
75. Florence And The Machine – Kiss With A Fist (Lungs)
74. Hedley – Cha-Ching (The Show Must Go)
73. Chevelle – Jars (Sci-Fi Crimes)
72. Atreyu – You Were The King, And Know You’re Unconscious (Congregation Of The Damn)
71. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Zero (It’s Blitz!)
70. The Bravery – Hatefuck (Stir The Blood)
69. cKy – The Boardwalk Body (Carver City)
68. August Burns Red – Existence (Constellations)
67. Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson – Relator (Breakup)
66. The Pains of Being Pure at Heart – The Tenure Itch (The Pains of Being Pure at Heart)
65. Kasabian – Underdog (West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum)
64. Bomb the Music Industry! – It Shits!!! (Scrambles)
63. AFI – I Am Trying Very Hard To Be Here (Crash Love)
62. Converge – Dark Horse (Axe To Fall)
61. The Enemy – Elephant Song (Music For The People)
60. All Time Low – A Party Song (The Walk of Shame) (Nothing Personal)
59. Arch Enemy – Pilgrim (The Root of All Evil)
58. Metric – Stadium Love (Fantasies)
57. White Lies – From The Stars (To Lose My Life)
56. Lily Allen – Everyone’s At It (It’s Not Me, It’s You)
55. Muse – Guiding Light (The Resistance)
54. Insane Clown Posse – Bang! Pow! Boom! (Bang! Pow! Boom!)
53. Collective Soul – Welcome All Again (Collective Soul)
52. The Thermals – When I Died (Now We Can See)
51. Tegan & Sara – Hell (Sainthood)
50. stellastarr* – Warchild (Civilized)

Continues after the break…

49. Passion Pit – Little Secrets (Manners)
48. White Rabbits – Percussion Gun (It’s Frightening)
47. Papa Roach – Lifeline (Metamorphosis)
46. Taxpayer – We Have Arrived (Don’t Steal My Night Vision)
45. Band Of Skulls – I Know What I Am (Baby Darling Doll Face Honey)
44. The Prodigy – Invaders Must Die (Invaders Must Die)
43. Asher Roth – I Love College (Asleep In The Bread Aisle)
42. Silverstein – A Shipwreck in the Sand (A Shipwreck in the Sand)
41. Propagandhi – Dear Coach’s Corner (Supporting Caste)
40. After Midnight Project – Take Me Home (Let’s Build Something To Break)
39. The Von Bondies – 21st Birthday (Love, Hate And Then There’s You)
38. Have Nots – My Way (Serf City USA)
37. Alice In Chains – Check My Brain (Black Gives Way To Blue)
36. The Horrors – Three Decades (Primary Colours)
35. 30 Seconds To Mars – Kings And Queens (This Is War)
34. Psychostick – #1 Radio $ingle (Sandwich)
33. Eminem – We Made You (Relapse)
32. Julian Casablancas – Out of the Blue (Phrazes for the Young)
31. Phoenix – 1901 (Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix)
30. Matisyahu – One Day (Light)
29. The Bouncing Souls – We All Sing Along (We All Sing Along)
28. Korpiklaani – Juodaan Viinaa (Karkelo)
27. …And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead – Fields of Coal (The Century of Self)
26. Kylesa – Running Red (Static Tensions)
25. Kylesa – To Walk Alone (Static Tensions)
24. Ida Maria – I Like You So Much Better When You’re Naked (Fortress Round My Heart)
23. Dope – No Regrets (No Regrets)
22. Street Sweeper Social Club – 100 Little Curses (Street Sweeper Social Club)
21. Hoobastank – My Turn (For(n)ever)
20. Weezer – (If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To (Raditude)
19. MC Lars – Guitar Hero Hero (Beating Guitar Hero Does Not Make You Slash) (This Gigantic Robot Kills)
18. Strike Anywhere – I’m Your Opposite Number (Iron Front)
17. Anti-Flag – The Gre(A)t Depression (The People or The Gun)
16. Lamb Of God – Set To Fail (Wrath)
15. Billy Talent – Turn Your Back (Billy Talent III)
14. Alexisonfire – The Northern (Old Crows/Young Cardinals)
13. 311 – Hey You (Uplifter)
12. Rancid – Disconnected (Let The Dominoes Fall)
11. Green Day – Know Your Enemy (21st Century Breakdown)
10. Mastodon – Quintessence (Crack the Skye)
9. Silversun Pickups – Panic Switch (Swoon)
8. Big D And The Kids Table – We Can Live Anywhere! (Fluent In Stroll)
7. New Found Glory – Don’t Let Her Pull You Down (Not Without A Fight)
6. Say Anything – Hate Everyone (Say Anything)
5. Matt & Kim – Daylight (Grand)
4. Manchester Orchestra – I’ve Got Friends (Mean Everything to Nothing)
3. Hatebreed – Hatebreeders (For The Lions)
2. Cage The Elephant – Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked (Cage The Elephant)
1. Taking Back Sunday – Sink Into Me (New Again)

Top 101 Songs of the Decade

101. Vanessa Carlton – A Thousand Miles (Be Not Nobody, 2002)
100. Jay-Z – 99 Problems (The Black Album, 2003)
99. Limp Bizkit ft. DMX, Method Man, and Redman – Rollin’ (Urban Assault Vehicle) (Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water, 2000)
98. Something Corporate – If You C Jordan (Leaving Through The Window, 2002)
97. MIA – Paper Planes (Kala, 2007)
96. Korn – Twisted Transistor (See You On The Other Side, 2005)
95. 311 – You Wouldn’t Believe (From Chaos, 2001)
94. The Streets – Fit But You Know It (A Grand Don’t Come For Free, 2004)
93. 6Gig – Hit the Ground (Tincan Experiment, 2000)
92. Hit The Lights – Stay Out (Skip School, Start Fights, 2008)
91. Trivium – Like Light To The Flies (Acsendancy, 2005)
90. MC Lars – Signing Emo (The Laptop EP, 2004)
89. Modest Mouse – Float On (Good News For People Who Love Bad News, 2004)
88. Arctic Monkeys – I Bet You Look Good On the Dancefloor (Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not, 2006)
87. Goldfinger – 99 Red Balloons (Stomping Ground, 2000)
86. Dear Leader – Raging Red (All I Ever Wanted Was Tonight, 2004)
85. Staind – Fade (Break The Cycle, 2001)
84. Godsmack – Awake (Awake, 2000)
83. Lost City Angels – Broken World (Broken World, 2005)
82. Sevendust – Praise (Animosity, 2001)
81. Green Day – Minority (Warning, 2000)
80. Radiohead – Optimistic (Kid A, 2000)
79. Papa Roach – Last Resort (Infest, 2000)
78. The Music – Breakin (Welcome To The North, 2004)
77. MxPx – Responsibility (The Ever Passing Moment, 2000)
76. Bang Camaro – Push Push (Lady Lightning) (Bang Camaro, 2007)
75. VHS Or Beta – Can’t Believe A Single Word (Bring on the Comets, 2007)
74. The Darkness – I Believe In A Thing Called Love (Permission to Land, 2003)
73. Velvet Revolver – Fall To Pieces (Contraband, 2004)
72. Dynamite Hack – Boys In The Hood (Superfast, 2000)
71. Three Days Grace – I Hate Everything About You (Three Days Grace, 2003)
70. Deftones – Minerva (Deftones, 2003)
69. The Strokes – 12:51 (Room On Fire, 2003)
68. Cold War Kids – Hang Me Up To Dry (Robbers & Cowards, 2006)
67. The Airborne Toxic Event – Sometime Around Midnight (The Airborne Toxic Event, 2008)
66. Fall Out Boy – Sugar, We’re Goin’ Down (From Under The Cork Tree, 2005)
65. The Killers – Read My Mind (Sam’s Town, 2006)
64. Beastie Boys – Ch-Check It Out (To the 5 Boroughs, 2004)
63. Kasabian – LSF (Kasabian, 2004)
62. Interpol – Evil (Antics, 2004)
61. The Decemberists – 16 Military Wives (Picaresque, 2005)
60. Kings Of Leon – The Bucket (Aha Shake Heartbreak, 2005)
59. Stellastarr – Sweet Troubled Soul (Harmonies for the Haunted, 2005)
58. The Aquabats – Fashion Zombies! (CHARGE!!, 2005)
57. Mushroomhead – Solitaire/Unraveling (XX, 2001)
56. Creed – My Sacrifice (Weathered, 2001)
55. Silversun Pickups – Lazy Eye (Carnavas, 2006)
54. Avenged Sevenfold – Bat Country (City of Evil, 2005)
53. Cold – Stupid Girl (Year of the Spider, 2003)
52. Alkaline Trio – Radio (Maybe I’ll Catch Fire, 2000)
51. Linkin Park – One Step Closer (Hybrid Theory, 2000)
50. The Offspring – Original Prankster (Conspiracy Of One, 2000)
49. OPM – Heaven is a Halfpipe (Menace to Sobriety, 2000)
48. Boy Hits Car – I’m A Cloud (Boy Hits Car, 2001)
47. Motion City Soundtrack – Everything is Alright (Commit This To Memory, 2005)
46. Ra – Do You Call My Name (From One, 2002)
45. All That Remains – Two Weeks (Overcome, 2008)
44. Wolfmother – Joker And The Thief (Wolfmother, 2005)
43. AFI – Girl’s Not Grey (Sing The Sorrow, 2003)
42. Rise Against – Prayer Of The Refugee (The Sufferer And The Witness, 2006)
41. Blink-182 – I Miss You (Blink-182, 2003)
40. Say Anything – Alive With The Glory Of Love (…Is A Real Boy, 2004)
39. Lostprophets – Last Train Home (Start Something, 2004)
38. New Found Glory – My Friends Over You (Sticks and Stones, 2002)
37. Feeder – Buck Rodgers (Echo Park, 2001)
36. Foo Fighters – No Way Back (In Your Honor, 2005)
35. Angels & Airwaves – The War (We Don’t Need To Whisper, 2006)
34. Drowning Pool – Bodies (Sinner, 2001)
33. My Chemical Romance – I’m Not Ok (I Promise) (Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge, 2004)
32. Mudvayne – Dig (L.D. 50, 2000)
31. Bloc Party – I Still Remember (A Weekend In The City, 2007)
30. Franz Ferdinand – The Fallen (You Could Have It So Much Better, 2005)
29. The Bravery – Honest Mistake (The Bravery, 2005)
28. Alien Ant Farm – Smooth Criminal (ANThology, 2001)
27. Breaking Benjamin – Polyamorous (Saturate, 2002)
26. MGMT – Time To Pretend (Oracular Spectacular, 2007)
25. Rage Against The Machine – Renegades of Funk (Renegades, 2000)
24. Street Dogs – Two Angry Kids (State Of Grace, 2008)
23. 30 Seconds To Mars – The Kill (A Beautiful Lie, 2005)
22. Taking Back Sunday – A Decade Under The Influence (Where You Want To Be, 2004)
21. The Unseen – Paint it Black (State Of Discontent, 2005)
20. Muse – Knights Of Cydonia (Black Holes & Revelations, 2006)
19. Tool – Vicarious (10,000 Days, 2006)
18. Against Me! – Thrash Unreal (New Wave, 2007)
17. The Vines – Get Free (Highly Evolved, 2002)
16. SR-71 – Right Now (Now You See Inside, 2000)
15. Cypress Hill – Rock Superstar (Skull & Bones, 2000)
14. The Bloodhound Gang – The Bad Touch (Hooray for Boobies, 2000)
13. The Transplants – Diamonds and Guns (The Transplants, 2002)
12. The Dandy Warhols – Bohemian Like You (Thirteen Tales from Urban Bohemia, 2000)
11. Jimmy Eat World – The Middle (Bleed American, 2001)
10. Dropkick Murphys – Forever (Sing Loud, Sing Proud!, 2001)
9. Andrew W. K. – Party Hard (I Get Wet, 2001)
8. The Fratellis – Flathead (Costello Music, 2006)
7. Kaiser Chiefs – I Predict A Riot (Employment, 2005)
6. Anti-Flag – The Press Corpse (For Blood And Empire, 2006)
5. Lamb of God – Laid To Rest (Ashes Of The Wake, 2004)
4. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Maps (Fever to Tell, 2003)
3. Sum 41 – Fat Lip (All Killer No Filler, 2001)
2. A Perfect Circle – Judith (Mer de Noms, 2000)
1. System Of A Down – Chop Suey (Toxicity, 2001)

Yearly breakdown:
2000 – 20
2001 – 14
2002 – 7
2003 – 9
2004 – 14
2005 – 17
2006 – 10
2007 – 6
2008 – 4
2009 – 0

Until recently, when a camera crew spotted the gorillas hanging out high off the ground in its natural habitat:

“These gorillas are extremely wary of humans and are very difficult to photograph or film,” said Roger Fotso, director of the Wildlife Conservation Society’s (WCS) Cameroon Program. “Eventually, we identified and staked out some of the gorillas’ favorite fig trees, which is where we finally achieved our goal.”

While the video footage of the great apes is comforting to those who thought they may already be extinct, scientists still worry for the future of these beasts. Not because of encroachment on their habitat, but because these gorillas appear to be knuckledraggers in more ways than one. Witness the video:

As you can see, this rare species is in mortal peril thanks to a lack of basic self-awareness and common sense. Some researchers predict the entire species will choke to death on potted meat sandwiches. Others predict they will be electrocuted by peeing on high voltage transformer stations. Either way, the world may soon lose the last of its rarest — and most retarded — primate groups.

Most Elusive Gorilla Caught on Video [LiveScience]

Via the always-excellent Warming Glow

Near the very bottom of the list, nestled just under those with “These Colors Don’t Run” bumper stickers and those who drink water straight from the toilet, is a new category — those too dumb to operate a scarf.

Fortunately, one company is well on its way to improving the lives of these nincompoops. Say hello to the Necky:

Sometimes, however, your political rivals simply drop dead.

So it was that Giorgio Carbone, erstwhile Prince of Seborga, died — and in doing so removed the last great obstacle in my quest to reunite the ancient thrones of Greater Paximiliano. Seborga — a tiny province nestled adjacent to the Italian riviera — is not the final step, but it has proven the most intractable, thanks to the admittedly awesome rule of Carbone:

After convincing his Seborgan neighbors of their true significance, Giorgio Carbone was elected prince in 1963. He gracefully accepted the informal title of His Tremendousness, and was elected prince for life in 1995 by a vote of 304 to 4. Voters then ratified Seborga’s independence, which, by the prince’s interpretation, it already had.

Prince Giorgio established a palace, wrote a Constitution, and set up a cabinet and a parliament. He chose a coat of arms, minted money (with his picture), issued stamps (with his picture) and license plates, selected a national anthem and mobilized a standing army, consisting of Lt. Antonello Lacala. He adopted a motto: Sub umbra sede (Sit in the shade).

While Carbone was my rival lo these many years, I plan to keep Lt. Lacala in his position. I cannot afford to lose the support of the military. I will also keep Carbone’s picture on the money and retain the national motto, because it would take forever to photoshop new Seborgan dollars and, let’s face it, sitting in the shade is awfully relaxing.

Giorgio Carbone, Elected Prince of Seborga, Dies at 73 [NYT]

As you can see from these images — the first time these moons have ever been photographed from the surface of Mars — Phobos and Deimos are plainly not made of cheese. Rather they are giant floating skulls — the remnants of a once-proud civilization of 5,000 foot tall space aliens. Just kidding. They were faked in a sound stage in Burbank.

The songs:

Brackett, WI — Bon Iver
Dominos — The Big Pink
Twilight Galaxy — Metric
Holidays in the Sun — Sex Pistols
I Won’t Be Found — The Tallest Man on Earth
On A Plain — Nirvana
Omaha — Counting Crows
Hank — Jay Bennett
Lines — Tapes N Tapes
Together — The Raconteurs

Bonus Video:

Out of the Blue — Julian Casablancas (Live at Le Grand Journal)

The Rules: The Friday Random 10 is exactly that — random. We open up our iTunes, set the thing on shuffle, and listen to 10 songs. We are not permitted to skip any out of embarrassment or fear of redundancy. Commenters are encouraged to post their own.

It was reported that the student used to dip chewing gum into citric acid. Police also found another substance near the body.

The news agency said investigators believe the student may have confused the two substances and began chewing on gum that had been treated with the unidentified substance.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times — if you’re going to dip your chewing gum into chemicals before chewing it, you really have to be sure those chemicals aren’t going to blow your jaw clean off of your head. It’s like my advice just goes in one ear and out the other. Which reminds me — you should also refrain from putting explosive chemicals in your ears.

Student killed by exploding chewing gum [Telegraph]

Tonight marks the finale of The Biggest Loser, also known as the Paradise Lost of television.

Rather than ramble on about who’s going to win (Rudy) or who I want to win (Rudy), I’d like to introduce a one-time interactive Pax Arcana feature.

Keeping track of tears tonight would be both wasteful and pointless. The count will be staggering, because there is a live audience of other fat people who have been “inspired” by these fat people. So I provide no over/under — it’s off the board.

Rather, here is what we track: How many times does the wonderful Ali get sidetracked by an exuberant cast member who doesn’t realize that live TV requires carefully timed segments? We’ve all seen Ali try to wrest control of the program from these blubbering fools, and the results are always embarrassingly fun. Poor Ali. I have a shoulder you can cry on, Miss Sweeney. Two, in fact.

So the line is an ambitious 6.5 tonight. I think Danny alone could ramble past his due time at least 4 times. Let’s see how smooth Ali can keep this.

Enjoy the show, people. And if all this inspirational weight loss is a little too positive for you, you can always check this out to see a fat guy who fell off the wagon. (ht: Spackler)