By which I mean he likes to party. With two R’s.

I once heard famed sociobiologist and Harvard professor E.O. Wilson say something to the effect of “I don’t know if God is responsible for life on earth, but if He is, He sure loves beetles.”

That was Wilson’s way of pointing out the remarkable diversity of the world’s beetles, about 300,000 of which we’ve classified and another probably 200,000 of which we haven’t. Compare that to humans, who come in three basic types — those who can do math and those who can’t (rimshot BAM!).

Anyway, the world is apparently so full of beetles that at least one variety was bound to cover itself in its own shit — if only to get a little attention for once. Say eewww to the case-bearing leaf beetle, which builds a protective suit of dookie armor around its eggs:

“Specifically, they compress fragments of their feces into flat squarish plates using structures in their abdomen that are part of their genitalia,” said researcher Daniel Funk, an evolutionary ecologist at Vanderbilt University in Nashville. “These plates are then added individually around the laid egg to form the egg case.”

When the eggs hatch, the larvae cut off the roof of these cases, poking only their heads and legs out in order to move and feed. They never leave these cases when they are young, instead adding their own excrement to enlarge them and accommodate their growth. After they reach maturity, the adult beetles cut themselves free of their cases with their mandibles.

“Ta da!” they say.

The purpose of the dookie armor is to protect the young beetles from crickets and other predators, who often ignore what appear to be discarded turds when searching for food. Even if they do discover beetles inside the turds, the scientists say the predators often pause before attacking — unsure of how to attack a clump of shit with food inside.

The lesson here is the same as always — if you want to protect your children, build an impenetrable wall of crap around them.

Bug Wears Armor Made of Poo [LiveScience]

Over in the Guardian (UK), a guy named Peter Tatchell gets all aflutter in an article asserting that famous black person Malcolm X was bisexual, and advising the reader to “get over it.” The piece is actually called “Malcolm X was bisexual. Get over it.”

OK, I’m over it. But what about this?

It is also worth celebrating that many leading black icons have been lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT), most notably the US black liberation hero Malcolm X. Other prominent black LGBTs include jazz singer Billie Holiday, author and civil rights activist James Baldwin, soul singer-songwriter Luther Vandross, blues singer Bessie Smith, poet and short story writer Langston Hughes, singer Johnny Mathis, novelist Alice Walker, civil rights activist and organiser of the 1963 March on Washington Bayard Rustin, blues singer Ma Rainey, dancer and choreographer Alvin Ailey, actress, singer and dancer Josephine Baker, Olympic diving gold medallist Greg Louganis, singer and songwriter Little Richard, political activist and philosopher Angela Davis, singer-songwriter Tracy Chapman and drag performer and singer RuPaul.

Wait a minute. Greg Louganis was black?

Short answer: Um, no. Swedish/Samoan.

Slightly longer answer: He was adopted, so do we reaalllly know?

Slightly longerer answer: RuPaul is a leading black icon? Does Greg Louganis know about this?

Malcolm X was bisexual. Get over it [Guardian]

I was going to use this space to make some hay about New Mexico soccer player Elizabeth Lambert’s pageant of moloko and ultraviolence that was featured on Sportscenter last night. But I don’t have much to say beyond “SHIT!” and “YIKES!” and “OUCH!”

Turns out Lambert has been suspended indefinitely for her offenses, which — if you haven’t seen the video — include but are not limited to: punching, karate chopping, hair pulling, tripping, flailing, flaying, impalement, and the occasional forearm shiver. The thing is she was not penalized for any of these things during the game — though she did draw a yellow card for arguing.

All in all I say an indefinite suspension is a bit excessive. I say that because this chick scares the piss out of me, and I’m pretty sure she could kick my ass. Aside from that I’m all man, baby.

The songs:

Not Alone — Dub Trio
Different Names for the Same Thing — Death Cab for Cutie
No Karma — Jaydiohead
Dance Hall — Modest Mouse
Reoccurring Dreams — Husker Du
Werewolf — Cat Power
I’ll Decorate My Love — Jay Bennett
Too Drunk To Dream — Magnetic Fields
I Lost You — The Walkmen
In Cairo — Hot Hot Heat

Bonus Video:

January Wedding — The Avett Brothers (Because that show at the House of Blues was awesome)

The Rules: The Friday Random 10 is exactly that — random. We open up our iTunes, set the thing on shuffle, and listen to 10 songs. We are not permitted to skip any out of embarrassment or fear of redundancy. Commenters are encouraged to post their own.

A Dartmouth computer scientist says an iconic photo of Lee Harvey Oswald — in which he clutches both a bolt-action rifle and a stack of Maoist newspapers — is authentic, and could not possibly have been faked with the technology of the 1960s. The photo has long been a lightning rod for conspiracy theorists, who dispute its authenticity:

Farid and his team have developed a number of digital forensic tools used to determine whether digital photos have been manipulated, and his research is often used by law enforcement officials and in legal proceedings. The tools can measure statistical inconsistencies in the underlying image pixels, improbable lighting and shadow, physically impossible perspective distortion, and other artifacts introduced by photo manipulators.

The scientist even went so far as to construct a 3D model of Oswald’s head in order to prove that the shadows depicted in the image could have been caused by a single light source. Farid’s findings — to be published in an upcoming issue of Perception — are intended to debunk a key argument of those who believe Oswald was set up by the government and its fancy photo-shop-o-trons.

Unfortunately Farid did not have access to the equipment we have at Pax HQ. We ran the photo through our home-built magnophoto scantronomic oscillating refibrillator and noticed a peculiar anomaly in the upper right-hand corner. Let’s take a closer look at the highlighted area:

Now let’s get even closer:

And finally we’ll jump to 10x zoom and enhance. I think you’ll be shocked at what we’ve uncovered:

You can expect my full report “Panda Fucking: The Unifying Conspiracy Theory?” in the next issue of Cat Fancy magazine.

Incriminating Photo of Lee Harvey Oswald Not Faked [LiveScience]

The Epicurious blog yesterday asked its readers to help predict the top food trends of 2010. And because I’m nothing if not a tastemaker, I humbly submit the following four suggestions:

1. Old shit updated

This one’s easy. Every year, the fancy boys and girls of the glossy food establishment take some boring old thing your grandmama used to make, add guancale or shallot tarragon butter or some shit, then serve it back to you on a warmed-over platter. A few years ago there was a mac and cheese revival. Then it was pigs in a blanket. Next year it will be beef stroganoff with pork belly apple brandy gravy mole. And you’ll pay $38 for some egg noodles and chuck roast.

2. Science

The rise of molecular gastronomy went from kooky to awesome to tired to really tired in about one calendar year, but that won’t stop high-falutin’ restaurateurs from Bangor to Bakersfield from serving overturned pony snifters of pear vapor and carbonized tranches of distilled mango ether. Thanks for the $78! Enjoy the Burger King drive-thru on the way home!

3. Locavorism

In my liberal suburban enclave, we all agree that eating locally as much as possible equals responsible stewardship of the land and its inhabitants. In fact, I consider people who think otherwise to be subhumans who should be ground up, dried, and woven into reusable grocery bags. That’s why every restaurant I patronize during 2010 will make a grandiose effort to convince me that the bananas in my split were cultivated just a mile from where we sit. “Hell, these tablecloths were made by my grandmother, who rents an apartment out back!” the menu will say.

4. Hot pockets

Oh, I’m sorry. You were under the impression that the recession was over?

Food Trends For 2010 [Epicurious]

Father Scott

You may have noticed there was no Tuesday Tubby Tearfest this week. Here’s why: I missed The Biggest Loser the previous week (Celts opening night y’all) and was like, “Oh, I’ll check it out online later.” NBC is a major network, works really hard on Hulu (they advertised on the Super Bowl!), so obviously this was a flawless plan.

Except Hulu and NBC.com don’t put the episodes up right away. “That’s fine,” I thought when I checked Wednesday. “There needs to be some sort of penalty for me missing the actual airing, and thus missing all the commercials, which is how they pay the big bucks to attract that ogre Jillian Michaels to the show.”

Then I checked Thursday. No dice. Nor all weekend.

So it gets to be this Tuesday, and I can’t catch up in time for the new one. THEY WAIT A WEEK BEFORE POSTING THE EPISODES.

I demand an explanation. How am I supposed to catch up, ever? By penalizing me for missing one show’s worth of commercials, they force me to never watch on time again, which means I always watch online, which means I only see one or two low-rent commercials, which I’m sure don’t pay the big bucks.

Plus, it loses momentum. Part of the joy of watching the show is talking with other people about it, or in my case, writing about how much these fatboys and gals cry.

I fear that I will never recover, fair reader (hi Jaelynne!).

Anyway, I think this is stupid. If I had DVR, I could easily do more damage by fast-forwarding through the commercials. For some reason DVR is an asset to networks, but online is a replacement. This is totally nonsensical, and sometimes I wonder if TV networks have any better idea of how to work with the Internet than newspapers did.

I hate both of you NBC and Hulu. Unless this is a one-time thing, in which case everything is fine and I’ll catch up soon.

AMOUNT OF CRYING IN THIS WEEK’S EPISODE

No idea, since I don’t have any momentum to go on. For me, the over/under is 0.5. You should take the over.

WHO’S GOING HOME

I don’t know who’s there LA LA LA

DELICIOUS TREAT TO EAT WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW

Since I can’t watch the show, does this mean I can’t eat the delicious treat? OH HELL NO. This week’s treat: chocolate chip pie from some place in Raynham that Jaelynne frequents, and then doesn’t finish and lets me devour during lunch. NICE.

The Tsavo lions are the most legendary man-eaters in history. According to the story, the pair was responsible for killing and consuming 135 railroad workers in a 9-month span in 1898. They even made a movie about it. I think it was called “Shit! Lions!”

Anyway, researchers now say the lions — which are on display at the Field Museum in Chicago — were likely responsible for far fewer deaths than believed:

But after analyzing fragments of the lions’ bones and fur, scientists at the University of California in Santa Cruz have determined that the true number of humans eaten by the lions was likely closer to 35.

By comparing isotopes in the lions’ samples with their normal prey of zebra, wildebeest and buffalo, with other lions, and with the remains of 19th century Kenyans, the scientists estimated that one of the lions ate 24 humans, while the other ate 11.

“The possible range is between 4 and 72 humans, but 35 is most likely,” said Justin Yeakel, one of the study’s authors.

According to scientists at the Field Museum, the findings confirm their skepticism with contemporary accounts of the lions’ savageness. They note that the lions are also far smaller than John H. Patterson — the British engineer who killed them and had them made into floor coverings — had boasted. They also note that the Field Museum is now more boring than ever. How much more boring? Exactly 100 corpses more boring.

Scientists restate Tsavo lions’ taste for human flesh [Chicago Tribune]

Well, that was a disappointment.

Not only was I forced to board a plane for my least-favorite place on earth last week, but nary a day and a half after landing was consumed by the onset of the flu. Alternating between freezing and sweating like Father Scott on the racquetball court, I spent an entire work week in Las Vegas tethered to a bed, eating room service soup (terrible) and watching daytime TV.

I watched an entire episode of Tyler Perry’s House of Payne, people. That’s how bad it was.

I’m still not 100% sure it was the H1N1 virus that befell me, but the ER doctor/best man at the wedding I attended in Chicago said he was positive that was the case. So there you have it.

As you can see, I made a miraculous recovery — just in time to swoop in on an effervescent and charming lady I met up with in the Windy City.

Father Scott

On my delicious nine-minute commute this morning, I got to hear the dulcet tones of Gerry Callahan say the following on EEI (paraphrased):

“You can’t overestimate the importance of the return of Brett Favre to Green Bay.”

Oh, Gerry, Gerry, Gerry. I’m afraid you don’t know me well. Watch how I overestimate this:

I say the return of Brett Favre to Lambeau Field is 12 times more significant than the invention of the cotton gin. Lewis and Clark trekking west? Bitches. Genocide in Africa? I wouldn’t bother myself with such trifles when I can spend my mental energy on imagining what the 650 lb. McCarthy couple thinks about some old guy throwing around a leather ball for three hours.

Am I being petty? Of course. But this is one annoying verbal tick that needs to go away. I don’t just mean in sports. News, politics, finance, whatever. Just say it’s interesting, or this means more to Wisconsinites than the local grocery stores’ buy 12 wheels of cheese get one half-off sale (OK, that’s also and overestimation.) You can always overestimate stuff and always sound stupid.

Like, for instance, you’re at a conference for work but have a tickle in your throat so you stay in your hotel room the whole time, but then stay up late tweeting about the World Series. In that case, you’re probably overestimating the effect of your sickness. Either that or you’re just a disgrace to your Viking ancestry.

UPDATE: Related: Via @Adam_Schefter on Twitter: True Factoid: What was “Minnesota Avenue” in Green Bay was officially renamed this week “Aaron Rodgers Drive.” That’s pretty awesome.

The songs:

I And Love And You, The Avett Bros.
Gimme a Sign, Ryan Adams
Pennyroyal Tea, Nirvana
Billie Jean, Michael Jackson
A Fond Farewell, Elliott Smith
Faithfull, Pearl Jam
Made You Look, Nas
Gone Gone — NYC, Conor Oberst
Sunlight, Harlem Shakes
Play Your Part (pt. 1), Girl Talk

Bonus video: