Chopped carrots give you cancer

Pax Arcana

As you are aware by now, I am considered one of the foremost scientific minds on the planet. My grasp of disciplines from zoology to pharmacology to pharmacozoology has bedazzled my collegues in the Grand Council of the Great and Serious Men of Science for decades.

That said, I admit I was surprised to learn the following from the Independent:

Researchers at the University of Newcastle found that “boiled-before-cut” carrots contained 25 per cent more of the anti-cancer compound falcarinol than those that were chopped up first.

In other words, chopped carrots give you cancer.

I suppose this is not terribly surprising. We’ve been abusing carrots for years by feeding them to wise-cracking cartoon scofflaws and shoving them in the asses of talking horses. It’s only natural that they would start evolving defense mechanisms against us. That’s just pure science. Obvious to people of my abilities.

Carrots cooked whole ‘better at fighting cancer’ [Independent]

//

I am having trouble with this headline

Pax Arcana

OK, so there was this story in the New York Times today, and it had to do with a very serious issue — namely, an increased risk of throat cancer among certain people.

Which people? Well, it’s hard to know exactly how to phrase it. Let’s say your parents or grandparents were from a foreign country — especially one of the ones that are wayyyy off to the right of the U.S. on most maps. The ones where they use tiny pictures instead of letters when they write.

Some people call those people Asians, but I’m not sure that’s the politically correct term. When I was a kid we called them Orientals, but that’s definitely not right.

Anyway, if you’re of Japanese, Korean, or Chinese descent and your face gets all red when you drink booze, the Times says watch your ass because you might be on the high speed magnet train to cancertown:

The flushing response, which may be accompanied by nausea and a rapid heartbeat, is caused mainly by an inherited deficiency in an enzyme called ALDH2, a trait shared by more than a third of people of East Asian ancestry — Japanese, Chinese or Koreans. As little as half a bottle of beer can trigger the reaction.

The deficiency results in problems in metabolizing alcohol, leading to an accumulation in the body of a toxin called acetaldehyde. People with two copies of the gene responsible have such unpleasant reactions that they are unable to consume large amounts of alcohol. This aversion actually protects them against the increased risk for cancer.

But those with only one copy can develop a tolerance to acetaldehyde and become heavy drinkers.

“What we’re trying to do here is raise awareness of this risk factor among doctors and their ALDH2-deficient patients,” said Dr. Philip J. Brooks, an investigator with the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, and an author of the report published on Monday in the journal PLoS Medicine. “It’s a pretty serious risk.”

So please, people of Chinese, Japanese, or Korean descent — please be careful when imbibing. Because you don’t want throat cancer. It’s worse than agent orange, I’ll bet.

OK I’m just going to shut up now.

Drinkers’ Red Face May Signal Cancer Risk [New York Times]

“Dude, are my balls supposed to, like, be this color?”

Pax Arcana

Everybody knows Michael Phelps should be frozen solid, ground into a fine powder and left to melt in the hot sun for having the temerity to be photographed indulging in recreational drug use. It was an affront to Jesus, your grandmother, and the American flag.

Unfortunately our righteous fury at Phelps’ satanic devotion to commie-weed may manifest itself too late to satisfy our bloodlust. According to this article, Phelps may catch pot-induced testicular cancer before we can properly bask in our own glory for having flung him down a well of shame and contrition:

Researchers in the US have found that men who regularly smoke cannabis have a 70 per cent increased risk of testicular cancer. The risk was highest – twice that of those who never used the drug – in those who smoked it at least once a week or had a long history of use, beginning in adolescence.

The study is based on findings from 369 men with testicular cancer who were questioned about their history of cannabis use. The results were compared with 979 men who did not have cancer. Cannabis was linked with testicular cancer independently of smoking, drinking and family history.

Specifically, the wacky weed seems connected to an aggressive type of cancer called nonseminoma, which accounts for 40% of all testicular cancer and tends to affect younger men — especially video store clerks and that guy who delivered your pizza but ate two slices.

Soon, Matthew McConaughey will regret his decision to play the bongos

All I know is this is going to make the yearly physical a lot more interesting. The last thing you want to hear when your doctor has his hands all over your nugget pouch is “So, do you party or what?”

Cannabis linked to testicular cancer [Independent UK]

Joe Andruzzi fighting cancer

Pax Arcana

Here’s something Giants fans and Pats fans can wish for together: A speedy recovery for former Patriot Joe Andruzzi, a native New Yorker with three brothers in the New York Fire Department.

SI’s Tim Layden reports that Andruzzi has an aggressive type of lymphoma that moves so quickly it can double in mass in just 24 hours. Andruzzi recently finished treatment for the cancer and is just hoping for the best:

He spent nearly the entire summer as an inpatient at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston. The chemo took his hair, his weight (he lost more than 40 pounds) and his energy. He was known as one of the toughest people in the Patriots’ locker room, making the NFL as an undrafted free agent from Division II Southern Connecticut State and enduring multiple surgeries in addition to the relentless physical work performed by offensive linemen. Yet now he says, “I went to 10 training camps in the NFL. I’d rather go to any training camp than what I went through last summer.”

He’ll be at the Super Bowl.

Fight of his life [SI]