RUN, YOU BIG BEAUTIFUL SON OF A BITCH, RUN!!1!!!111!!

Most law enforcement officers signed up for the job hoping to clothesline a would-be purse-snatcher or tackle a terrorist moments before he takes out a preschool classroom. Then you spend the next 20 years filling out paperwork and having teenagers throw donuts at your car.

Then one day you’re out on the beat — your hair still greasy and matted down from a Sunday spent watching the Jets and Giants move to 3-0 — and you find yourself a key player in the single greatest sentence in the history of American journalism:

Police say a 1,400-pound bull that escaped from a northern New Jersey slaughterhouse dragged officers with a lasso down a street and ran 10 blocks before being captured and sedated.

I don’t think I should have to break this down for you people, but I think I can prove quantitatively that this is the most awesomest sentence ever written:

1. A bull busted out of a slaughterhouse? +2 awesomeness points!

2. This happened in Paterson, N.J.? +9 awesomeness points!

3. Police in Paterson have lassos? +25 awesomeness points!

4. The bull dragged MULTIPLE officers down the street with said lasso before being detained? +ELeventy-billion awesomeness points!

I’m actually glad I wasn’t around to see this unfold. I’ve heard bulls are attracted to uncontrollable laughter and hyperventilation. And that the cops in Paterson have fucking lassos and aren’t afraid to use them. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!!!!

Anyway, the cops finally did subdue the bull, but only after the animal’s failed attempt to fit in with its new environment:

1,400-pound bull drags officers down NJ street [AP]

Cows will show you the way

Pax Arcana

If you’re lost on a giant farm, and the sun is obscured behind the clouds, you might despair that you’ll never be able to discern which direction you’re facing.

But according to this article from BBC News, cows have a strong tendency to align themselves facing north or south when grazing. So all you need to do is put a cow on your wrist and BANG — instant compass.

Wait. What?

How the F did you come up with this gem, scientists? Strap GPS units to cow asses and track their grazing patterns? Pay thousands of researchers to monitor cattle grazing patterns at sites across the globe?

I mean, it’s not like you just flipped open your laptop one day and goofed around until…

Uh oh:

The researchers surveyed Google Earth images of 8,510 grazing and resting cattle in 308 pasture plains across the globe.

“Sometimes it took hours and hours to find some pictures with good resolution,” said Dr Begall.

The scientists were unable to distinguish between the head and rear of the cattle, but could tell that the animals tended to face either north or south.

That right there is some good quality work.

Dr. Begall’s next scientific breakthrough — using Google earth to prove that many Australians lay out topless in their backyards to get a sun tan. Poor resolution means the topless Australians can’t be identified as male or female, but what does that matter when you’ve already got your pants around your ankles?

Cattle shown to align north-south [BBC News]