Friday Random 10: Killer Pigs Edition

Pax Arcana
Free range pigs are better for people because modern industrial agricultural practices that shove dozens of animals into tiny cages only breed disease and unhealthy meat.
Or not, according to Texas State University professor James McWilliams — who says allowing pigs to roam happily before slaughter will actually lead to less healthy pork chops:
The study [...]

Virginia Heffernan may be retarded

Pax Arcana
Despite my affection for the light saber application, watching Arrested Development on planes, and the other 8 million fun things to play with on my iPhone — I really don’t care if other people find the thing as awesome as I do.
For example, I can see why people who have to type a lot [...]

Breaking News: People Argue Over Shit

Pax Arcana
Living the life of an reclusive eccentric billionaire has its advantages, to be sure. But spending my days secure in a (extradition-free) mountain redoubt also leaves me regrettably isolated from the rest of society.
That’s why I turn to the Fashion & Style section of the New York Times to keep me abreast of how [...]

An open letter to AIG

Pax Arcana
Dear Masterful Lords of Capitalism:
Recently, as I was perusing the latest printed issue of the New York Times newspaper, I stumbled across an Op-Ed piece that republished, for the entire world to see, the resignation letter of one Mr. Jake DeSantis.
As you may recall, Mr. DeSantis was formerly an executive vice president of financial [...]

Put rice in your cell phone

Pax Arcana
As we tumble screaming and red faced into our new Great Depression, we’re all going to need to learn to do a few things for ourselves. No more taking the car into the shop because you can’t figure out how to put wiper fluid in it. No more asking your Hungarian manservant to pick [...]

Forgetful man dies

Pax Arcana
The New York Times has a pretty interesting obituary of Henry Gustav Molaison, who died yesterday. For most of his life, Molaison was known publicly only as H.M. and was the most important test subject in the history of brain science (until I came along, natch).
H.M. suffered from profound amnesia, the result of an [...]

That’s a stretch

Pax Arcana
It is becoming increasingly difficult to maintain a disciplined training regimen, as each new day seemingly brings news of some new way of exercising.
First I was forced to give up my vibrating belt machine, despite its proven track record of success (my grandfather used it to vault himself to preeminence in the Svalbard eastern [...]

The hot stove

Pax Arcana
I may be a jealous dipshit who fucken sucks at life, but I do have one thing going for me — my pots and pans are awesome.
Thanks to my goofy interest in cooking — and my gala 2005 wedding — I am the proud owner of a pantry stocked with enough top-tier equipment to [...]

Now that’s a trend story

Pax Arcana
While the rest of the New York Times staff is busy convincing us that cat-loving men are the new black, some on the Gray Lady’s staff actually seem to have uncovered trend stories backed by — hang on to your motherfucking hats — verifiable facts!
In today’s edition, reporter Winnie the Poo Hu asserts that [...]

The greatest news story ever written

Pax Arcana
Ahem..
[taps the microphone]
May I have your attention, please?
Pax Arcana regrets to inform you that the 2009 Pulitzer Prizes have been canceled. While the committee is certain that your submissions would have been sterling examples of journalism, the decision has been made that this New York Times story is the finest piece of writing to [...]