Gisele will pop a cap in your ass

Pax Arcana

Not only is Gisele Bundchen the world’s highest-paid model and an accomplished equestrian, she is also a straight up gangsta who will flush em and watch em go down the drain quick. That is to say she will regulate. Which is to say she will bust a cap in your ass.

According to Boston.com, two paparazzi say Gisele’s guards opened fire on them while they were just totally like way over on the other side of street just like taking pictures of the trees and stuff. Oh wait, they were taking pictures of Gisele’s wedding to some football player or something:

The trouble apparently began as the two photographers were returning to their car after using long lenses to shoot pics of the nuptials. The snappers were then confronted by security and “frogmarched” to the Brazilian beauty’s villa, where they were asked to turn over their film, according to INF. (Gisele, it seems, has an exclusive picture deal with a Brazilian magazine.) The men refused and, trailed by security, ran back to their jeep. “As they started the engine, a live round pierced the back windshield…and hit the front windshield directly between the two mens’ heads,” according to a post at INF’s blog.

In Gisele’s defense, Brazilian magazines are really strict about their contracts. I once slept through a photoshoot for Thong Fancy Magazine and they killed my parents. The joke was on them though — I’m adopted!!

Boom boom goes Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen’s second wedding [Boston.com]

Return to form

Pax Arcana

Apologies for the scarcity of content on the site this morning. Pax Manor is quite busy at the holidays, and Santa’s going to have my nuts in a sling if I don’t finish these…

Oops. I’ve said too much.

Anyway, I did have time to catch the big NFC showdown last night, in which the New York Giants (official American tackle football team of Pax Arcana and defending NFL champions) defeated the Carolina Panthers. The win secured home field advantage for the Giants and gave this guy (two thumbs, pointing at self) the vapors at the return of my main man, Brandon Jacobs:

Hit you with a thickness

Jacobs scored the winning touchdown in overtime after the Giants staged a nerve-wracking fourth quarter comeback, needing a touchdown and a two-point conversion late in the game to tie it up.

Game note: If  Jacobs and the Panthers’ D’Angelo Williams got gay married, the two of them would have been the co-guardians of seven touchdowns last night (Jacobs 3, Williams 4). And the paparazzi would call them D’Brangelo.

Jacobs and Derrick Ward — the Earth and Wind of the Earth, Wind, and Fire triumvirate — will get the lion’s share of the credit for last night’s victory. But I was most encouraged by something else — the return of the Bossman, Kevin Boss. The Giants’ tight end returned to his late 2007 form last night, scoring one touchdown and snagging multiple third-down short passes. At this point I think Tom Coughlin buried him on purpose during the regular season.

Sadly, this is as high as Kevin Boss can jump

In other hilarious NFC news, the Eagles and Cowboys both lost this week in embarrassing fashion, proving that both teams — and their fans — are booger-eating half-wits.

Meanwhile, the Hartford New England Patriots absolutely annihilated the craptastic Arizona Cardinals at home yesterday. Many in the media suspect that Arizona simply laid down their arms for the Pats, since their playoff position would not change win or lose. But a drubbing is a drubbing, and there’s no way they meant to take it to the chin like this.

They rub their butts together for warmth

The best part of the game was watching Bill Belichick wince after Larry Fitzgerald’s touchdown made the score 47-7. Somewhere, Gregg Easterbrook grew a new pock mark.

Here’s hoping for a rematch of last year’s Super Bowl…

Giants Claim High Ground in N.F.C. [NYT]
Plowing ahead [Globe]

Kevin O’Connell probably gets tons of women

Pax Arcana

This Boston Globe apology is exactly the kind of thing the sports blog world thrives on. It’s got mystery, intrigue, and a hilarious pay-off culminating in a fantastic dick joke starring Patriots back-up quarterback Kevin O’Connell.

Here’s the story:

On Sunday, the Globe published a photo of O’Connell taken during a practice session. The Globe’s editorial staff apparently didn’t notice that the writing on O’Connell’s wrist band is hardly the stuff the paper’s octogenarian readership is prepared to tolerate. So they issued an apology, which read as follows:

Editor’s note: A photo on Page C6 in Sunday’s Sports section showed Patriots rookie quarterback Kevin O’Connell wearing a wristband with inappropriate language written on it. The photo did not meet the Globe’s journalistic standards and should not have been published.

Deadspin got ahold of the photo in question, which is reproduced below:

If you can’t read it, the wristband says “MY DICK IS TINY TOO!”

I’m assuming this was some kind of prank on the rookie quarterback, and not the most collosal overshare since Jimmy Carter talked to Playboy in 1976.

But if this article in the Times (UK) is correct, Kevin O’Connell may just be the most desirable male in entire universe. The article itself is a reflection on a Jezebel post (and long, long comment stream) in which women recount the worst things men can say to them. The difficulty of being a man in search of some boom-boom time, according to the Times, is that you must be at the same time successful and self-deprecating:

The key to success, for men, is a certain type of wit: self-deprecation. Gil Greengross, the anthropologist behind the research, was quoted in The Observer, explaining: “The frequent use of self-deprecating humour in sexual context – with potential mates, established mates or sexual rivals – was astonishing … people who used this humour were considered to be more desirable as mates.”

So far, so encouraging, you might think. There’s hope for us all. But Greengross ruined it all by adding the following caveat: “If you are a low-status individual, using self-deprecating humour can be disastrous to you. Think about the secondary school child whom nobody liked, who makes fun of his shortcomings in sports. His peers mocked him and he was considered more pathetic than he was previously.”

In other words, to impress, men need to be hugely successful, but pretend that they are not.

In this way, Kevin O’Connell — highly-touted NFL quarterback with self-deprecating jokes affixed to his uniform — may just be the most desirable male in New England since that last guy… you know that guy with the goats and the naked girlfriend and all the rings… you know, that guy.

The Bigger The Hands, The Larger The … Wristband [Deadspin]
For the record [Boston Globe]
Women have so many don’ts. What’s a guy to do? [Times UK]

Oh dear god, here we go again

Pax Arcana

Ah, autumn. The leaves crunching underfoot. The blazing kaleidescope of color. The annual Pax Arcana Apple and Fondue Festival.

Honestly, is there a better time of year than…

Oh no. Not again.

Hi guys. Gregg Easterbrook here. Just, you know, wanted to say hello, and wish you all a happy football season. I’ll be holding down my corner of the Internet again at TMQ, but this year I promise not to bait you with ludicrous arguments about why Bill Belichick is worse than Nixon or purple is really blue or some other such nonsense.

OK. Thanks for that, but I find that kind of hard to believe since you were such a royal pecksniff last season. You remember when your own ombudsperson called you out for being such a douche?

I do. That was worse than when science fiction movies include scenes of laser beams in space. You can’t see laser beams in space! There’s no dust particles for the light to bounce off !

Jesus Christ.

Wait. Don’t go yet. At least read my AFC preview article, in which I slam Brett Favre for pretending to be a team player while all the time ensuring that he is at the center of attention. Look, it’s right here…

Last season the Packers were 13-4, and they came within an overtime of going to the Super Bowl. How many Green Bay players from that team can you name, other than Favre? His constant media antics had the effect of denying recognition to his teammates. In June, Tom Pelissero of the Green Bay Press-Gazette reported, “There is a substantial faction of younger players who are eager to play with Aaron Rodgers. Favre is at least a decade older than all but six guys on the roster. He dressed in his own locker room. He had minimal social interaction with teammates. Rodgers is one of the guys, and plenty of them are pulling for him.” He dressed in his own locker room? In the past few seasons, Favre has been all about Favre, as if his teammates didn’t exist. A man who wanted to maximize his own celebrity and income, at the expense of his teammates, would behave in that manner. That’s what the Jets now have, and that’s why his trade value was lower than Taylor’s.

Hmmmm. Not bad. We could have used that perspective during ESPN’s ceaseless rush to chronicle every bowel movement and jock scratch Favre participated in during that month or so.

Maybe we were a bit hard on you last year, Gregg.

Wait. What’s this?

What’s what?

This. This right here. What’s this?

Oh, that’s nothing. You wouldn’t really be interested in that. Why don’t you close your browser now and…

Here’s a question: Would the Patriots’ players and coaches exchange their 2007 season with the 2007 season of the Giants? Of course, in public, to a man, they’d say, “Forget the records we set, we’d rather have won the Super Bowl.” But my guess is that they’d rather have their 2007 season, oh-so-incomplete as it was, than the Giants’ trophy. Twenty years from now, football purists will be hard-pressed to remember much about the 2007 Giants. The 2007 Patriots, on the other hand, will never be forgotten. The first 16-0 regular season; the highest-scoring team in football history; more touchdown passes than Buffalo, Miami, Minnesota and San Francisco combined; 39 seconds shy of perfection. In terms of memory power, New England’s accomplishments exceeded what the Giants did, even if Jersey/A got to stand in the confetti shower on the sliding tray in Arizona. All New England needed to do was stop a third-and-11 snap with 45 seconds showing, and the word “perfect” would have shimmered into view. The snap was not stopped, because nobody’s ever been 19-0 and most likely nobody ever will be. But to come so close — that will not be forgotten.

Are you fucking serious with this?

I’m so ashamed…

Have defenses begun to solve the shotgun spread? [TMQ]

Super Follow-Up

Pax Arcana

A few scattered thoughts to follow up:

• Mercury Morris can choke on it. He says the Patriots aren’t in his house yet. I think most would agree that the 2007 Patriots would not only move into the 1972 Dolphins’ house, but would also eat everything out of the fridge, clog the toilet, break the remote, and lock the dog in the basement.
• Emmit Smith just said the Pats lost because “the strength of the Patriots just got debacled.”
• I apologize in advance for the ridiculous comparisons to Aaron Boone’s home run that are sure to emanate from the major sports media machine.

17-14

Pax Arcana

Let’s start with what this was not: A miracle.

Miracles are more than just “unexpected occurrences.” Miracles are more than just “whoda thunk it” victories by teams with inferior talent and a history of blowing big games. Miracles are when the very laws of nature are bent or distorted to produce a specific result.

This was not a miracle.

Somewhere in Virginia, TMQ is in need of new pants

Father Scott

From some small-town rag called The New York Times comes word that Republican senator Arlen Specter is finally acting on the sweet nothings Gregg Easterbrook whispers in his ear every night.

Specter wants NFL (or as the Times puts it, N.F.L.) commissioner Roger Goodell to appear before Congress and explain why the league destroyed tapes showing the Patriots cheating by taping the New York Jets’ signals in September 2007.

In a telephone interview Thursday morning, Senator Arlen Specter, Republican of Pennsylvania and ranking member of the committee, said that Goodell would eventually be called before the committee to address two issues: the league’s antitrust exemption in relation to its television contract and the destruction of the tapes that revealed spying by the Patriots.

“That requires an explanation,” Specter said. “The N.F.L. has a very preferred status in our country with their antitrust exemption. The American people are entitled to be sure about the integrity of the game. It’s analogous to the C.I.A. destruction of tapes. Or any time you have records destroyed.”

By the sounds of it, Goodell isn’t handling this very well. According to Specter, the senator sent letters in November that were never returned; no word if Goodell came to the window when Specter stood outside throwing pebbles and blasting Peter Gabriel from a boombox. Not to sound Easterbrookian, but the more Goodell tries to keep this quiet, and the more he sidesteps it, the more guilty he, and by proxy the Patriots, appears.

“Congress? Shit. Did you tell them it’s Super Bowl week? Hmm. How much money do I have in that Swiss account?”

And maybe the Times really just believes in the issue (the article appears to me to be pretty opinionated, at least the way I read it), but quotes like this from Specter sure do sound reasonable:

“I don’t think you have to have a law broken to have a legitimate interest by the Congress on the integrity of the game.” He added: “What if there was something on the tapes we might want to be subpoenaed, for example? You can’t destroy it. That would be obstruction of justice. It’s premature to make any suggestions until you know a lot more about the matter. We need to know what’s on those tapes.”

Senator Wants N.F.L. Spying Case Explained [The New York Times]

The real LT was a lot tougher

Man, those were some scary dudes back then. Angry, fast, and more chock full of cocaine than a seaplane out of Colombia.

Dear fellow Giants fans: Let’s not get carried away with all this

Pax

Look fellas,

We’re all happy about the Giants run, getting hot at the right time and so forth and etcetera. Pax Arcana is just as happy as the rest of you. My grandfather was a passionate Giants fan who died just months after the Giants’ last trip to the big game — a humiliating defeat to the detestable Baltimore Ravens in 2001. We want this game for him as much as anything else [Pours leftover Christmas Glug on the ground].

That said, this is a bad idea:

The last thing the Giants need in the Super Bowl is Eli Manning crapping his pants at the sight of 10,000 laser-beam-eyed death women. The guy practically soiled himself racing Peyton to eat a cookie. We’re not sure he wouldn’t run off the field covering his eyes and screaming if a critical mass of G-Men supporting mooks storm the Taco in these heart-attack inducing contraptions.

Please, Giants fans. Think of the children.

Moynahan Mask Meant To Bug Brady Like Romo [Sports By Brooks]

Pax Linkographus: 16-0 edition

The night of extraordinary inner conflict for Pax Arcana ended somewhat predictably last night, as the juggernaut Patriots took out our beloved Giants with a last minute surge of raw power and precision — and the inevitable bad pick by Eli.

Brandon Jacobs is a beast.

Still in our Giants T-shirt this morning, we think we got the best of both worlds last night. Eli was superb. The Giants roll into the playoffs with a good head of steam. Only two starters (both Giants) were injured. And the Pats, whom we respect and admire more than any team in history, finished the season undefeated.

We hope to revisit our inner conflict on February 3, 2008.

The links:

• PIAB has a pointed message for one Sacto hack [Perk is a Beast]
• Like giving to charity? How about shooting heroin? Same difference, in terms of endorphins [NY Sun]
• The rise of the MP3 is great in many ways, but what are we losing with the compressed format? An awful lot of what makes music great, say sound engineers [Rolling Stone, via Boing Boing]
• Why no limestone on Mars? Because of the sulfur dioxide, duh [MIT News]
• The official pilot of Pax Arcana takes the TSA behind the woodshed for its restupidous security policies [NY Times]
• Cornell is training its janitors to look out for suicidal students. No word yet on whether they will move the university away from Ithaca-Goddamn-New-York [Wall Street Journal]
• The Nanosolar powersheet is the top innovation of the year. The Larry Craig weinertater finished a distant third [Popular Science, via Dvorak Uncensored]
• The next person who says blogs are killing journalism or that the Internet is ruining our culture gets punched in the fucking dick. We are not kidding [Reason]