Perk is a Beast is a Juggernaut

Pax Arcana

Have you ever wanted to see the crazed rantings of an unbalanced fanatic on basic cable television?

If you answered yes, you’re in luck. Tonight at 10:30 (and 11:30), one of the awesomedudes of the venerable Perk is a Beast Web site takes to the picture tubes to share his insight into why commas are overrated and Dwight Howard is a chump.

All kidding aside, we hope this marks the start of a long-standing career as a multimedia triple threat for PIAB. I think the world has had enough Bob Ryan for now, right?

Celtics Now [Home]

Easily the greatest headline ever

Pax Arcana

From Perk is a Beast:

Shirley looks okay, but what happened to Laverne?

Basketball Dirty Water: Game One

Pax Arcana

We’re more baseball than basketball over here, but please take a minute to catch up with Perk is a Beast on the occasion of the Celtics’ game one victory last night.

Here’s their typically measured assessment of the third quarter:

“Maybe the greatest twelve minutes of basketball played since Larry Bird had the ability to bend over and Magic could go out in public without a bra on.”

Go read the whole thing.

Perk is a Beast [Home]

New York City spares the birthplace of Hip Hop

Pax Arcana

A few weeks back, the beastly brains over at Perk is a Beast took sportswriter Bill Simmons to task for his comically short-sighted paragraph on the paragons of Hip Hop history. Though he relented in later writings, Simmons’ major oversight was not including the actual founders of what would become Hip Hop, including, as one Perk boy (hard to tell them apart, so we’re not sure which one) aptly pointed out — DJ Kool Herc.

Perk is a Beast gained an ally in the fight for recognition last week in the form of the New York City Department of Housing Preservation and Development — which blocked the sale of the housing project where Herc invented break beats:

The letter represents the first time that the department has rejected the sale of a building under the Mitchell-Lama affordable housing program for financial reasons, government officials said. The sale price, which housing advocates said significantly exceeded the assessed value of $7.5 million, alarmed the community because it seemed likely that the prospective buyer would have taken the building out of the program, opening the way to higher rents.

Housing advocates hope the city’s decision will reduce speculative sales and gentrification of other buildings constructed under the state’s Mitchell-Lama housing program, which offered developers low-interest mortgages and tax abatements in return for caps on rents.

Many of the people who still live in the housing project were around when Herc first brought his dual turn-table system into the community room, spinning the instrumental interludes from pop songs together into extended dance tracks. Eventually MC’s would lay down spoken word vocal tracks over these beats to form rap. Then Aaron Carter rapped about eating cake at his birthday party and white people started shopping for real estate in Utah.

Anyway, here’s a neat little video from a British documentary about Herc (HT: Gawker):

City Rejects Sale of Building Seen as Hip-Hop’s Birthplace [New York Times]

Save PIAB!!

Pax Arcana

I’m not sure if questionable grammar can actually blow up a Web site, but the greatest Celtics blog in the entire universe has been down for a few days now.

My best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw PIAB pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it’s pretty serious.

The proprietor of the site tells me they’re working diligently to root out the issue and get their ship righted. In the meantime, if any of you geeks has some serious WordPress skillz and might be able to diagnose the problem, send me a note at paxarcana [at] gmail dot com and I’ll put you in touch.

Pax Linkographus: Color of the Year

“If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and no-one dares criticize it.” – Pierre Gallois

• The Pantone Color Institute has chosen its color of the year, and confirms that blue (No. 18-3943, anyway) is the new black. [New York Times]
• Speaking of blue, here’s a story about a dude (pictured) who made himself into a smurf by smearing silver products on his face. [Boing Boing]
• Chris Mortensen is still a retard. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Unicycle instructors are probably all perverts. [With Leather]
• Sumner Redstone says iTunes saved the music industry. [BU Today]
• MIT can cure retarded mice. [MIT]
• Goosefaced pol Mitt Romney now lying about his dad marching with MLK. Classy [Media Nation]
• Perk is a Beast will straight rally your fucking troops. [Perk is a Beast]

Now playing at Perk is a Beast

Stallone hasn’t yet learned to speak, but he’ll still rip out your goddamn larynx just for unbuckling your belt. If you’re Asian, anyway.

“When you’re pushed, killin’s easier than breathin’.” – John Rambo

How to reveal the beast

The crack editors at Perk is a Beast demonstrate in three parts why sports blogs are carving out a huge chunk of the sports media universe.

Their three-part interview with Perk himself is a revelation. They got access. They got pictures. They teased out the personality of a professional athlete with good humor and basketball-savvy questions.

And because of the nature of the blog, they were able to bring us the raw feed, grammatical errors and everything. If this had been a Perk profile at the Globe or Herald, it would have been distilled into an 800-word formulaic column, with three Perk quotes and a lot of the writer’s interpretation thrown in. The lede would have been something like this:

Kendrick Perkins rises from the leather recliner in front of his locker at the Celtics training facility and faces into his locker with UGK blaring from his iPod.

It’s hard to see around him. Perkins knows the value of a good block.

“It’s just all timing. But you know in the NBA it’s hard to block shots because everybody’s so talented. You know guards work on stuff so you can’t block their shots. You know what I’m saying?”

And on and on and on…

To read the whole thing, check out Part I, Part II, and Part III.

Who the F is Danny Gans?

The view from Pax Arcana’s ludicrously oversized suite at the Rio includes the Palms Hotel, a whole buttload of casino construction projects, and one giant billboard featuring a toothy buttplug named Danny Gans.

Who the F is Danny Gans?

We looked it up, using the World Wide Webs, and discovered that Danny Gans bills himself as an impressionist/comedian/singer of badly overwrought religious soft rock.

Who’s got a thumb, a billboard, and a face that’s bound to get Paxed in the fucking grill? This guy

And he calls himself the Las Vegas “Entertainer of the Year.” Which year is unspecified, but Pax Arcana believes it to be 2029, when the dead finally triumph over the living and Danny Gans is the last man on earth.

We would direct you to his Web site, where his special brand of hopelessly outdated “comedy” and bad impressions made us want to staple our feet to our faces, but it’s just too dangerous. We’ve lost too many men already.

Time to check in with the rest of the blog cartel.

Looks like Lucy the Blog is back on board after a month of moping around the Lowell penthouse for a few months. Rumor has it his right hand threatened to unionize if he didn’t cool it with the Cinemax, so Lucy came back with an uproariously self-pitying post about how Red Sox fans are retards. As if they didn’t know.

Perk is a Beast is back to his teasing ways, titillating our tits with the promise of another blockbuster “get” with some guy who plays on the Celtics who may or may not bear the mark of the beast.

We’re still stuck in convention hell with very little Internet access. We’re no fun right now, anyway.