Tuesday Tubby Tearfest

Father Scott

There’s nowhere to go but up, people.

That’s my approach to this week’s Biggest Loser, coming on the heels of the worst episode of the year. Hopefully it’s just a speed bump on the way to an exciting finale.

Last week saw Danny go home, which is unfortunate only in that the show seems determined to eliminate the more entertaining people each week. Now we’re stuck with two people who have already been eliminated and come back (which seems a little unfair) in Mark and Ali, plus Kelly, Roger, and Jay.

You can eat this shit all you want now, Danny

Forgive me for being negative, but it seems like this week could be another dull one. Is there any way the boys don’t gang up on Ali or Kelly this week and send one packing? It was already remarkable that Danny was sent home, and he only was because he got lazy. That’s not happening with Mark, Roger, and Jay. Hell, Roger can’t afford to be sent home, ’cause he’s no longer gainfully employed (hat tip: Pax).

And since Kelly poses absolutely zero threat as an overall winner (as opposed to Ali’s 0.0001%), she’ll stick around. Ali is the overwhelming favorite to leave this week. It’s probably for the best anyway — her crazy mom Bette Sue needs the company.

Given that no one cares about Ali (she hasn’t been around in months, and she and Kelly only have a forced bond), I forsee little crying this week. I’m going with 6, figuring that most of it will come from Jillian beating the everloving shit out of Ali and Kelly in the workouts.

Peace, homey

Now for some Padre Linktastica, boosted by my introduction to RSS feeds (hat tip of sorts, again, Pax) to jumpstart this overcast Tuesday.

PADRE LINKTASTICA, 4.1.08

I. Ryan Adams will play a few dates with Oasis. If only I lived in Alberta. [Paste]

II. Ryan Adams shops at Ralph Lauren, then takes a bunch of pictures of himself. I think if someone ever does a blog-related thesis, they’ll have to include Ryan’s just to examine the way he deconstructs how goofy it is. [DRAdamsFilms]

III. My favorite instructional basketball blog covers how not to hedge, and conversely, how you can break down an entire team’s defense in two dribbles (if you’re as quick as Raymond Felton). [The X's and O's of Basketball]

IV. One of my favorite basketball commentary blogs kills Internet April Fools jokes. [Hardwood Paroxysm]

V. The disappearance of Darin Erstad’s maddening stickiness predates the War on Terror, motherfuckers!” [Fire Joe Morgan]

VI. Some archaeologists found a gold necklace on a body dated roughly 4,000 years ago, proving that even in rudimentary cultures, the ladies still love the bling. [LiveScience]

VII. The official baseball transaction blog of Father Scott is running a chat at 3 pm. Tim knows his stuff, and is doing some great stuff with his site after committing himself to it full-time. [MLBTradeRumors]

VIII. Next Tuesday, don’t miss Jillian and Bob live blogging after The Biggest Loser at 10. I mean, really, how can you resist that? [NBC]

Jiskairumoko, what?

The value of a dollar is apparently weak compared to the pound

Father Scott

Since I didn’t do The Biggest Loser justice with yet another half-assed Tuesday Tubby Tearfest, I thought I’d chime in with some thoughts on last night’s show. (Shall we call it Wednesday Whaley Weepfest? We shall.)

I have three major problems with last night’s episode, which I deem the worst of the season.

First, the “challenge” that the contestants undertook was by far the dumbest that the producers have come up with. Let me count the ways: it wasn’t fun to watch, it was predictable (really, the blue team just loaded up on the chicks’ tables? Didn’t see it coming), it served no purpose, the “winner” didn’t do anything that deserved winning, it promoted ill feelings between the remaining “team” (which shouldn’t exist) and the two girls, after about three minutes of “action” there was really no need to keep participating because the outcome had been decided…do I need to go on?

Feel the drama: Mark runs around a basketball court loading up food onto tables

Padre Linktastica: Manny has gas money

Father Scott

Father Scott’s in a pretty good mood today. Maybe it’s the rays of sunshine permeating his office and raisiniffying some grapes for Pax Arcana. Maybe it’s the charming and carefree way in which he led this morning’s weekly meeting. Maybe it’s the optimistic forecast he read about one of his investments. Maybe it’s just leftover smiling from Pax’s gigglefest this morning.

Or maybe it’s this: Our newest dear friends at boston.com have a video of 2008 MLB MVP (so far) Manny Ramirez holding court after today’s Opening Day win over the Oakland A’s. I’d embed the video, but WordPress : embedding :: Bill Plaschke : baseball analysis.

Did I turn the lights off in my car? Wait, did I drive here today? What day is it? 

I’m not sure I can handle a talkative Manny — part of the fun is the enigma he is. Will we have to change the phrase “Manny being Manny” to “Manny being Curt Schilling”? Either way, it’s good to hear that Manny will be able to fill the tank of his Escalade every ten minutes despite the rising gas prices.

In related news (related in that I’m typing it), I’m once again Tuesday Tubby Tearfest-less. I missed most of last week’s episode and am thus not prepared to offer crying or losing predictions. And yet I will: Kelly’s gotta be gone, and I think there will be 11 cries.

Other awesome links:

1. Our newest Blogroll addition whips one up just for Pax. [Stuff White People Like]

2. A to-the-point self-assessment on Adam Duritz’s career. [Paste Magazine]

3. Donyell Marshall blogs about his trade to Seattle and reveals that Kevin Durant may not be too popular with his teammates. [Donyell Marshall, via TrueHoop]

4. An argument that Miguel Cabrera’s new $150M+ contract is a major steal. [Sabernomics, via MLBTradeRumors]

5. A recap of last week’s Biggest Loser. Thank the good Lord Brittany’s gone. [NBC]

Tuesday Tubby Tearfest

Father Scott

Time for my favorite post of the week, but unfortunately, I have very little to add this week.

Since I was on my romantic rendezvous with Pax, I missed last week’s episode of The Biggest Loser. A friend who watches the show informed me that semi-douchey Mark was voted off, or rather volunteered to go after only losing a pound, and that the tears were a-flowin’.

Jillian’s starting to make the whole “she’s a really masculine chick” joke pretty easy

Since I’m going into the episode blind, I’m going with a low cry total this week. It’s common sense — if everyone got all worked up last week, surely they’ll come back to Earth this week. I’m going with 9 cries this week; and I’ll say that we’ll see another victorious week for the black team, with long-haired sap Dan being sent home.

With the predictions out of the way, here’s a video that has nothing to do with The Biggest Loser, but everything to do with the number 9. Rondo’s hands are inhuman.

Tuesday Tubby Tearfest

Father Scott

Well I was 1 for 2 in my predictions last week: I was right on taking the over assuming the crying line was 11.5 — there ended up being 15 or 16 cries (one was too close to call). Either way, the Bellagio has a huge check with my name on it.

I was egregious in missing Trent as the guy to be sent home. He had tried to volunteer the previous week, but I forgot that particular detail. Oh, well.

Though the commercial hypes this week’s episode as another great one (what else would it say?), I see crying going down this week. Last week was artificially high: you’re not going to see Jillian’s mom come in every week and psychoanalyze people. Poor Paul admitted on national television that his dad abused him, and, honestly, I’m not sure he had ever told anyone, including his ex-wife. When he returned from the session, obviously shaken, and Kelly asked him what happened, he just said they talked about some stuff and didn’t go into any detail. If they had talked about it before, wouldn’t he have said something like, “We got talking about my dad…”, or wouldn’t she have inferred it. Nothing. Very strange. Paul continues to be captivating.

I AM COMFORTING YOU. I AM A CONSOLING INDIVIDUAL. I AM NOT A ZOMBIE. AND FOR GOD’S SAKE I’M NOT RELATED TO RACHEL NICHOLS.

Follow the jump for my predictions for this week and my thoughts on Bob’s motivational skillz.

Tuesday Tubby Tearfest

Father Scott

It’s Tuesday, dear readers, and you know what that means: The Biggest Loser.

The Padre has discussed his adoration for this show in the past, and it’s time for my weekly guesstimation as to how much crying will take place this week.

As I suggested last week, I need to lower my expectations. I thought last week had major potential with the way NBC teased Paul and Kelly’s exchange about Paul’s eternal love for her (sure the girlfriend back home loved that), but I was way off. Even the most generous count came to about 14 cries; I had predicted 22.

This week I’m resisting my temptation to pick a high number (the commercials are teasing both a trainer walking out of the weigh-in in disgust and Jillian, the she-man trainer, getting a visit from her mother), and going with 12. A friend who also watches the show even thinks that is crazy, saying 7 is more likely.

Father Scott fears Jillian slightly less than Rachel Nichols. Slightly.

My reasoning for less crying is two-fold:

1) There are less people involved. Early on there were like 20 people, that just increases the opportunities for tears.

2) The competition has heated up. This affects us in two ways. First, the competitors aren’t as lovey dovey — you could see it in the serpentine comments the fatties waged at Jackie as they voted her off last week. Second, I think the competitors are tougher. They’ve voted off some of the weaker-willed people (perhaps it’s unfair to equate crying and will power, but I just did), and now that they’ve been there for a while (5 or 6 weeks, I think), they’re used to the training and less likely to buckle when faced with a difficult physical challenge.

I’m sticking with 12, and I think the Vegas line would probably be about 10.5. Find your bookie and get in on the action.

As for who gets purged from the show this week, well, it’s anyone’s guess. For one thing, I don’t pay enough attention to the way immunity is handed out, and frankly I’m confused by the teams. But I see three people as the most likely to go:

3. Paul. Poor Paul. I like him. He’s kind of an idiot, but he could easily be someone in my family. He has a tendency to say the wrong thing, thinks he’s funnier than he is, and is a hopeless romantic for a woman who couldn’t care less about him. That said, I wonder whether last week’s emotional confession, and all of the emotions he faced in talking to Kelly and seeing the video her husband sent him, will be too much for him. I think he’s out soon, though maybe not tonight.

“Ready? On 3: 1, 2, 3, INTENSITY!!!!”

2. Mark. Now that the game is more competitive, it seems wise for the contestants to start sniping at the strongest contenders (if memory serves, this is when the “good” players started to get voted off back when I watched Survivor). Plus, he’s kind of obnoxious, and they’re all pulling fewer punches these days.

1. Dan. Dan’s mom was voted off last week, and there was bad blood. Even though they’re no longer officially paired as couples, if he doesn’t get immunity, I think he’s headed home right behind her.

Can you make it without Mommy?

Super Mega Ginormous Tuesday

Father Scott

It’s Tuesday and you know what that means–time for America’s favorite emotional workout show of likeable fatties, The Biggest Loser. As I detailed a few weeks ago, the show becomes infinitely more fun to watch if you gamble with your loved ones over the contestants’ emotions.

I forsee this week being a week unsurpassed in crying going forward. With fewer contestants, we can’t expect the totals to be in the 20s like they were early on, because they were artificially inflated during the voting periods.

But this week is a special one: NBC’s promo shows that it’s going to cover Paul’s obvious love for his ex-wife and former yellow team companion Kelly. Anyone who watches this show has to admit that these two are the most compelling part of the show, and I worry a bit that one of them is going home tonight if NBC is hyping up this aspect of things.

Anyway, Paul is good for six cries by himself this week, and I see the total for the show getting up to 23.

Kelly is not quite as in love with Paul as he is with her 

Note: last week the stern male female trainer Jillian broke out into tears. That disqualified the entire week from the game, because my mind could not comprehend how that happened. It counted for something like 8,109 separate instances of crying.

Bob always stands slightly behind Jillian just in case her Rachel Nichols-like demonic tendencies come out.

Whatchu gon’ do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk?

You’re gonna work that shit off on national TV, that’s what you’re going to do.

Tuesday night is one of Father Scott’s favorite TV nights of the week, thanks in part to NBC’s The Biggest Loser: Couples. I haven’t always watched it — in fact, the reality genre is somewhat new to me this year, most likely because the writers’ strike has halted everything non-reality related.

For those unaware, the show pits pairs of fatties (husband/wife, son/mother, two random strangers, etc.) who exercise constantly under the supervision of two trainers and try to lose the most weight possible each week. Like any reality show, it features contrived competitions for immunity and there is naturally a vote-off each week, with the votes not-so-tastefully delivered on a platter.

If the photo doesn’t tell you already, the chick trainer is the more masculine of the two 

Anyway, every time I watch it, I find myself saying, “Jesus Christ, these people cry a lot.” And it’s true. They cry out of exhaustion. They cry when the chick trainer (Jillian) lambastes them (and they probably think about basting lamb in the process). They cry at the end when they have to vote someone off, because they all love each other soooooo much.

So last week I jokingly told the people I was watching it with that I was setting the line for crying at 14.5 (then adjusted it to 22.5 when I heard it was going to be a two-hour program again). I determined that to qualify as a cry there needs to be something audible (sniffling/sobbing) combining with watery eyes, or just full-fledged tears, regardless of noise. I only count each instance–if a person hasn’t collected themselves and then starts up the waterworks again when Jillian tells them they remind her of Vince Wilfork at an IHOP, I’m not going to penalize the poor person. 

This week I’m feeling a lot of tears. It’s episode 5, so these people are now a month in to an exercise program that would mentally and physically grind anyone who is a physical specimen less badass than Father Scott.

David Beckham : Father Scott :: Kevin James : LeBron James 

So this week’s line is 18.5. (Last week’s total was 14, for reference.) Place your bets now, but I’m taking the over.

-Father Scott