Gisele will pop a cap in your ass

Pax Arcana

Not only is Gisele Bundchen the world’s highest-paid model and an accomplished equestrian, she is also a straight up gangsta who will flush em and watch em go down the drain quick. That is to say she will regulate. Which is to say she will bust a cap in your ass.

According to Boston.com, two paparazzi say Gisele’s guards opened fire on them while they were just totally like way over on the other side of street just like taking pictures of the trees and stuff. Oh wait, they were taking pictures of Gisele’s wedding to some football player or something:

The trouble apparently began as the two photographers were returning to their car after using long lenses to shoot pics of the nuptials. The snappers were then confronted by security and “frogmarched” to the Brazilian beauty’s villa, where they were asked to turn over their film, according to INF. (Gisele, it seems, has an exclusive picture deal with a Brazilian magazine.) The men refused and, trailed by security, ran back to their jeep. “As they started the engine, a live round pierced the back windshield…and hit the front windshield directly between the two mens’ heads,” according to a post at INF’s blog.

In Gisele’s defense, Brazilian magazines are really strict about their contracts. I once slept through a photoshoot for Thong Fancy Magazine and they killed my parents. The joke was on them though — I’m adopted!!

Boom boom goes Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen’s second wedding [Boston.com]

When record-setting performances are just OK

In honor of my renewed acquaintance with the potato-loving and docile Mrs. Pax Arcana, another football post.

It seems that NFL defensive backs haven’t passed the memo around that the Patriots find motivation in their disparaging comments. After that no-name d-bag from the Steelers guaranteed victory and was subsequently toyed with for 60 straight minutes by the ethereal Tom Brady, Jaguars rookie safety Reggie Nelson decided he’d weigh in on Brady’s passing acumen. [Yahoo]

“He ain’t all that … He’s all right,” Nelson said. [...] “It was a check down game,” Nelson said, suggesting that most of Brady’s completions were short and underneath the pass coverage. “Anybody can go 26-of-28 in a dump-down game.”

Tom Brady could cause more destruction than the Cloverfield monster. Then he’d rip his esophagus out, leave him in the fetal position, and probably bang his mom.

A man familiar with goofy comments, WR Randy “Straight cash, homey” Moss had his own comments.

“What?” Moss said. “It wasn’t impressive? When you lose you’re going to say things that (are) really inappropriate. You’re talking about the MVP, that’s Tom Brady. I’m not even going to respond to that.”

While we can safely assume this quote is being pasted all over Brady’s locker in Foxborough, Kissing Suzy Kolber [via The Sporting Blog, via Deadspin] found some similar statements to Nelson’s dipshit comment. My three favorites:

“Language? Pfft. Whatever. We was doing all right grunting and writing glyphs on the wall.”

“Water into wine??? What good is wine if the motherfucker ain’t going to make some cheese too?”

Reggie Nelson thinks you’re marginal.

“Jonas Salk? Pussy. I had polio once. I got my ass out of bed, caught three interceptions and banged a stewardess on the flight home.”

-Father Scott