The Paxernet is abuzz today with two grisly discoveries that could forever change the balance of power betwixt man and zombie.
And for once, Larry King has nothing to do with it.
“Hey you. You’re totally f—ed.”
[Photo credit: Daniel Hollister — www.danielhollister.com]
First comes news from North Dakota that paleontologists have excavated a hadrosaur — a duck-billed dinosaur that once roamed the great plains — complete with fossilized skin, tissue, and possibly organs intact.
Nicknamed Dakota, the hadrosaur is one of only five naturally preserved dinosaur mummies ever discovered. Unlike previous dinosaur mummies, which typically involve skin impressions pressed into bones, Dakota’s entire skin envelope appears to remain largely intact.
“The skin has been mineralized,” said Manning. “It is an actual three-dimensional structure, backfilled with sediment.”
More zombie horror stories after the jump.
That a hadrosaur (already considered the most frightening of all slow-footed grass eaters of the past 67 million years) has been preserved in a unique mix of bedrock and chemicals is surely a harbinger of doom for our kind. Next week, two these scientists will be examining the “fossil” late at night in a darkened lab. First, plaster dust and rock bits will fall quietly to the floor. Then a fissure appears on the fossil cast. Then a claw bursts through the encasement, followed by the snarfing duck-billed head of our specimen, hell-bent on punishing those who dared awaken him.
[We’d like to add that the Wired story about the discovery contains the single greatest actual quote by a scientist in history:
“To say we are excited would be an understatement,” said Phil Manning, a paleontologist at England’s University of Manchester who is leading the examination. “When I first saw it in the field, (I thought) ‘Shiiiit, that’s a really well preserved dinosaur.'”]
But it’s not just giant zombies that will soon terrorize an unsuspecting human populace.
In Antarctica, researchers from Boston University say they have discovered microbes that have been dormant inside glaciers for more than 300,000 years. As global warming — which is caused, paradoxically, by the white-hot glow of debate over whether it exists — melts the ancient ice sheets, the zombie microbes will spring back to life and feast on the abundance of human flesh in places like Wisconsin and Newark.
Marchant packed his ice samples — collected in 1998 on a trip to Antarctica with BU students, and ranging in age from 100,000 to 8 million years old — into crates, kept them chilled with blue ice packs, and sent them via a regular courier service to New Jersey.
Let’s do some math here:
New Jersey = Full of chemical plants and research labs
Antarctic ice = Full of zombie microbes
New Jersey + Antarctic ice = These things won’t be microscopic for long