…In which 22 of the 23 ingredients are Jack Daniel’s

Father Scott

Paste passes along one of the weirdest marketing stories I’ve ever heard: Dr. Pepper is offering a free can of soda to every person in America if Guns ‘n’ Roses releases their decades-in-the-making Chinese Democracy LP.

Who has a better chance of producing Chinese Democracy first: GNR or these guys?

Sound like an utterly random and arguably crazy idea? Well, let’s see if some Dr. Pepper muckety mucks can shed some light on the situation.

“It took a little patience to perfect Dr Pepper’s special mix of 23 ingredients, which our fans have come to know and love,” said Jaxie Alt, director of marketing for Dr Pepper. “So we completely understand and empathize with Axl’s quest for perfection – for something more than the average album. We know once it’s released, people will refer to it as ‘Dr Pepper for the ears’ because it will be such a refreshing blend of rich, bold sounds – an instant classic.”

First of all, no one, and that includes people working immediately under Jaxie Alt, will refer to Chinese Democracy as “Dr. Pepper for the ears.” Good Lord is that shameless.

Second of all, what the fuck kind of name is Jaxie? She/he better be A) a dog, B) a stripper, C) a dog who strips, or D) someone who really liked Michael Jackson as a kid.

Third, what’s the connection? Other than employees being bored (they’ve even started a blog chronicling their quest), I can’t see what prompted a second- or third-rate beverage company to suddenly campaign for an album whose production process has been comically delayed for 17 years, and yet is still expected.

The only thing that makes this make sense to me is that I’ve long professed my love for the greatest drink in human history — Jack Daniel’s and Dr. Pepper. Regardless of what you name it (sometimes just Dr. Jack, sometimes Ramsay or Kevorkian, after famous Dr. Jacks), it’s delicious. So it’s fitting that Dr. Pepper attaches themselves to one of the world’s more foremost whiskey consumers.

Given the unpredictable nature of artists in respect to corporate marketing, you might be wondering what Axl and the boys think of this. Here’s what Axl has to say:

“We are surprised and very happy to have the support of Dr Pepper with our album Chinese Democracy, as for us, this came totally out of the blue. If there is any involvement with this promotion by our record company or others, we are unaware of such at this time. And as some of Buckethead’s performances are on our album, I’ll share my Dr Pepper with him.”

Way to play along, Axl. By the way, Jerry Rice wants his hairline/cornrows combo back.


Filed under music

14 responses to “…In which 22 of the 23 ingredients are Jack Daniel’s

  1. Perry Ellis

    I can’t decide what scared me most about this post, Jaxie, Axl’s freaky hair or the Jack & Dr. Pepper combo. Pax, we need to help this kid. Seriously. By the time he’s 18 he’ll be rifling through the medicine cabinet, guzzling cologne and rubbing alcohol.

  2. Father Scott has yet to hit bottom. One day he’ll be eating a bowl of microwaved Velveeta and drinking Gatorade Icy Slam Purple (Now with MORE electrolytes!) and suddenly he’ll see the light.

    As for this post, though, absolutely fantastic. Really, this has it all. Axl Rose, Dr. Pepper, booze, weird name spellings, Web 2.0 — this post is what Pax Arcana was made for.

  3. fatherscott

    Try it before you judge…there’s a giant gap between rubbing alcohol and whiskey. To put it in terms you can understand Pax, it’s like the gap between those Nextel pagers we had at bus duty and an iPhone.

  4. Perry Ellis

    First of all, there’s a giant gap between Jack Daniels (overpriced swill since they dropped the booze content a few years back) and whiskey. Second, Dr. Pepper is just gross. Third, how about some terms I can understand? Fourth, I thought this blog was for me to bitch about how much I hate Alice in Chains, who suck.

  5. fatherscott

    Jack is way overpriced, I grant you. And I don’t really like Dr Pepper on its own, either. Terms you understand — the gap is like the gap between Bob Mould and Jesse McCartney. Better?

  6. Perry Ellis

    Who the fuck is Jesse McCartney?

  7. I’m actually quite fond of a boutique French rubbing alcohol maker called Les Souissons. You have to mix it with the nectar from the rare marang fruit to be palatable, but they distill it in organic bamboo and zinc stills, so you know it’s good.

    Is Jack overpriced? Jen drinks Jack Daniel’s Manhattans all the time, so we always have one of those $45 jug-o-Jack things in our cabinet. I use it to hide the Compass Box from guests (except you guys, of course).

    As for Dr. Pepper, it’s really a pale imitation of Mr. Pibb, now isn’t it?

  8. Perry Ellis

    I’m quite partial to the bourbon manhattan myself, as you may have had occasion to discover, Pax. I buy the big jug of Evan Williams for about $23 at our local emporium; it’s the same great taste at nearly half the price!

    And yes, the Doctor and Mr. Pibb live in the same flavorhood, in a little mobilehome down by the riverside. Which floods regularly. And is downstream from the sewage treatment plant. In short, they suck.

  9. perkisabeast

    Is now the time where I say that the Dr. Pepper secret ingredient is prune juice?

  10. Perry Ellis

    Yes. Now would be that time.

    If true, that’s the best and funniest thing I’ve read all week. So thanks for that.

  11. fatherscott

    Perry: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=synhob08_eA If you make it through more than 20 seconds, you’re a champion.

    Pax: I too always have one of those bad boys, but there’s no reason for it to be $45, which is roughly what I pay. I’ve been thinking about getting a cheaper alternative, maybe I’ll give EW a try (it’s been a while).

  12. Oh my God the Jesse McCartney burns! It burrrrns!!!

  13. 16 seconds. I now have a blood debt to collect from you Padre.

  14. Pingback: Chuck Klosterman reviews a unicorn «

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