HIDE THE BRATWURST!!!

Pax Arcana

ESPN was reporting late last night that C.C. Sabathia — winner of the 2007 Cy Young award and destroyer of All-U-Can-Eat buffets spanning the entire Cuyahoga river valley — will soon be plying his trade with the Milwaukee Brewers.

Insiders have long speculated that Milwaukee was a likely spot for the soon-to-be-free agent Sabathia to land, since the Brewers are flush with cash, in need of a top-flight pitcher, and just a few games behind the Chicago Cubs in the National League Central.

Of course, Sabathia’s influence is likely to be felt far outside Milwaukee. The entire state of Wisconsin, despite its reputation, lags far behind states like Mississippi and Alabama in obesity rates. The 300-pound Sabathia is well-known for eating Pizza Bites by the bucketful and cooling down after a ball game with a chilled slurry of pork sausage and turkey gravy.

Experts predict Sabathia will be able to raise the state’s ranking with little trouble throughout the summer, eating his way through a varied diet of Wisconsin soft cheeses and bratwurst. However, those gains may be short-lived, as Sabathia has demonstrated a talent for choking in the fall.

Sources: Indians agree to deal Sabathia to Brewers for minor leaguers [ESPN]

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