If you’re like me, you’ve rolled your eyes at somebody’s suggestion that ballroom dancing, animal husbandry, or mime should be an Olympic sport. Then you had your servants peel another bushel of peaches and lob them at neighborhood children.
Anyway, it’s easy to make fun of the hobbyists and delusionals that desperately want to represent their country in whatever goofball endeavor they pursue in lieu of a personal life. But according to this article (via Deadspin), we’ve probably lost more ridiculous Olympic events than we could ever gain in the future.
For example, the 1904 Olympics boasted an event called plunge diving, in which the athletes simply dove into a pool — or lake, probably — and tried to coast farther than their competitors without taking a stroke. Then there was dueling pistols from 1906, in which contestants took aim at mannequins in frock coats.
I’m also partial to tug-of-war (1900-1920), club swinging (1904), and one-handed weightlifting (1896).
These outmoded contests got me to thinking about potential events at which the authors of Pax Arcana would excel. Here’s my list. Add your own thoughts in the comments:
Pax Arcana: Hands-free Peanut M&M catching, chest hair lather building, and competitive margarita mixology.
Perry Ellis: The booze-making heptathlon, Hüsker Dü trivia, and (when in the appropriate physical condition) jowling.
Father Scott: Bearding, Maine-specific wardrobe compilation, and precision butt cheek manipulation.
Fallen Angel: Anger, Vitriol, Wrath.
Reverend E: Speed mustache-growing, bar trivia, Irishness.
Also, because there is still hope for men’s synchro: