10 things you didn’t know about Jason Bay

Pax Arcana

I’m not going to let my frustration at the Red Sox for their shabby handling of the Manny Ramirez situation prevent me from enjoying my favorite sport. In Jason Bay, the Red Sox have acquired a steady, disciplined hitter with a good reputation for baseball smarts.

That much we know. But just who is this Jason Bay character, you ask. What makes him tick?

I did a little research on the guy, and came up with 10 things you probably didn’t know about Jason Bay:

1. Jason Bay is Canadian. OK, you may have known already that Jason Bay was born in Canada. But did you know that he won the 2004 and 2005 Tip O’Neill Awards for being the very best Canadian player in all of Canada? Or that his sister Lauren pitched for the 2004 Canadian Olympic softball team? It’s true. Also, he is a graduate of J. Lloyd Crowe Secondary in Trail, B.C., which I think means he went to school more than 2,000 years ago.

2. Jason Bay was the only All-Star not to play in the 2005 All-Star Game. Despite his selection as a reserve outfielder for the 2005 All-Star game, Jason Bay was the only position player on either team who rode the pine for the entire game. Perhaps N.L. All-Star manager Tony LaRussa was shocked by Bay’s performance in the Home Run Derby, in which Bay was eliminated in the first round after hitting exactly no home runs. In fairness to Bay, Canadian field dimensions are measured in meters and not feet.

3. Jason Bay has a good vocabulary. In a recent interview with something called Baseball Digest Daily, Bay was asked if he regretted signing a deal with the Pirates that only netted him only $5 million a year. “Not really,” he replied. “I guess the parameters in which I signed that deal were a lot different than the parameters now.” Whoa! Parameters? What’s that, like, two meters? Take it down a notch, Einstein — we didn’t all go to school before Jesus was born…

4. Jason Bay is trendy. If Manny Ramirez is a streaky hitter, then “Jason Bay” is a streaky Google search term. A quick look at Google Trends shows searches for “Jason Bay” are relatively steady except that every year, right around the trade deadline and at the end of the season, his searches go up. Lookit:

Maybe the fact that he’s 29 and has already been on the Expos, Mets, Padres, Pirates, and now Red Sox says something about this guy — that he loves to Google himself to see where he is going next! Oh like you haven’t done it.

5. Jason Bay makes his own moose jerky. Actually I have no confirmation of this. I’m just assuming this is the case.

6. Jason Bay will save your life. I know a lot of people think Canada is all mountains, pot and poutine, but the truth is that our neighbors to the north have an awful lot of coastline that is enjoyed by vacationing citizens from Halifax to Vancouver. And Jason Bay patrols every inch of it. He’s always ready. He won’t let you out of his sight.

7. Jason Bay spelled backward is Yab Nosaj. OK, you kind of knew this, but did you really know it? I didn’t think so.

8. Jason Bay is in Malaysia. Despite the distinct North American blandness of his name and appearance, Jason Bay is also a popular windsurfing destination on the southern Malay peninsula. This Web site describes Jason Bay as “one of the few places near Singapore where you have a chance to get side-shore conditions during the NE monsoon.” So there you have it.

9. Jason Bay is unlikely to decapitate you. I’m not saying with 100% certainty that Jason Bay will never cut your head off in a drunken rage. I’m just saying his past track record suggests that such an event is unlikely. There is little evidence to indicate that Jason Bay is even interested in decapitating you, and almost no evidence that he would actually go through with it. Still, though — better safe than sorry.

10. Jason Bay has moved on. The mild-mannered Bay actually upset some Pirates fans last year when he suggested that the team had not exactly demonstrated a commitment to improving. Shocking, I know. Anyway he was lambasted in some corners of the Pittsburgh media and forced to address the issue before spring training this year. Here is how he responded to a reporter’s question about it. Try to imagine what it would be like to punctuate a transcript of this answer:

Nice line about Brian McNamee, though.

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2 Comments

Filed under baseball, sports

2 responses to “10 things you didn’t know about Jason Bay

  1. That second picture is not for real, is it? I bet you got a certain someone to photoshop that…

  2. Nope. It’s 100% completely real. I know because I stole it from the Internet. And I can’t afford Mrs. Pax’s usurious photoshop rates.

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