My Hungarian manservant just lugged a dusty volume up the library stairs to my haunt in the belfry of the Pax Arcanium and informed me that we’d forgotten that August 4, 2008 was the one-year anniversary of this blog.
Don’t worry. We bought ourselves flowers and had furious make-up sex to atone.
Anyway, we’re not going to dwell too much on our favorite posts of the past year, since that seems to be better suited for calendar years than anniversaries. However, we would like to take this opportunity to consider what, if anything, we learned over the past year — as we grew from a floating hunk of Internet flotsam to a slightly bigger floating hunk of Internet flotsam that confuses the universe at a rate of about 27,000 page views per month.
First let’s consider what we — meaning me plus contributors Father Scott, Perry Ellis, Fallen Angel, and the Reverend E — learned about ourselves:
- We suck at recurring segments. While the Friday Random 10, an idea I stole from another blogger, has been a regular feature on this site, we’ve abandoned so many recurring segments that it became a joke a long time ago. In no particular order, we abandoned Pax Gastronomica, Pax Vocabularia, America’s Worst Hospital, Old Ad Wednesday, Monday Unrandom 10, Perry Inebriata, and the Beer Baron to the dustbin of Internet history.
- We have gotten nowhere in the Global War on Zombies. When first we conceived of this blog, we envisioned it as the final strategic effort in our struggle against the shuffling masses of the undead. We discovered that President Bush and fearsome undersea predators were on our side. But we also learned that zombies were getting faster and exercising more. And we were unable, despite our best efforts, to convince rap star Coolio to end his feud with us and join the anti-zombie Brotherhood of Flying Shark Vikings.
- We hate Gregg Easterbrook. I mean we really, really can’t stand that guy.
Now let’s consider some facts we learned about the outside world:
- Scientists from MIT are creating two-assed flatworms.
- The Great Hipster Civil War threatens us all.
- The Lowell Sun might actually want to murder Ricky Gervais.
- Joe Torre was too much of a weenie to throw at Jacoby Ellsbury.
- Your beer is less full than you think it is.
- HBO has no respect for history.
- Wes Anderson might be a racist. Or not.
- Brining the ribs is key.
- Old people still be bonin’.
- Metal hands were the invention of an Italian grandmother.
- Black people are not, in fact, the descendants of forsaken lunch meat.
- Sometimes it makes orange oil shoot out of your ass.
- Some nautical terms are naughty-sounding.
- Manny Ramirez was the smartest person in baseball before he was the anti-Christ.
- The Celtics can reaffirm our faith in basketball.
- I am awesome at picking on Father Scott during work hours.
As we embark on our second year in business, I’d like to thank my crew of contributors. Their laziness and lack of creativity makes me feel genuinely good about myself — and that’s worth something, right? Now back to work, bitches.