How hard is it to open a bottle of wine?

Pax Arcana

A thousand years from now, historians will sift through the rubble of the mighty American empire for clues to where it all went wrong.

The Paris Hilton sex tape, game footage of the XFL, Dan Brown books — the hallmarks of a society given over to decadence and decline — will be unearthed from the still-steaming pile of concrete shards and highway signs.

And then they will discover this fucking thing, and they will know that 2008 was definitively the turning point for this culture:

This is the new Waring Pro Cordless wine opener. As you can tell from its tubular design, it’s very modern — a $40 battery-charged, wire-free handheld beauty that promises to save you literally seconds over its many low-key counterparts. Here’s what Gina Provenzano at Epi-Log has to say about it:

The new Professional Cordless Wine Opener leaves my sommelier knife and me in the dust when it comes to those pesky corks.  After using the included foil cutter, simply place the lightweight opener atop your bottle. Press the “down” arrow to insert the corkscrew and remove the cork. It is that easy. You’ll be sipping your Sancerre in no time at all.

Seriously people. Stop it. Just stop it. The velvety smooth and outstanding Mrs. Pax Arcana and I are in possession of all manner of wine-opening doodads and gadgetry — all of which were bestowed upon us at our wedding or at Christmases past. You know what I use to open wine bottles?

This guy:

Fast, cheap, effective. No separate parts. No power supply. Just five seconds of wrist twisting and one upward thrust and you’re there.

It isn’t rocket science. It’s just a thing in a hole that has to be removed.

Then again, so is the Paris Hilton sex tape.

Open Wine With Less Effort [Epi-Log]

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4 Comments

Filed under food

4 responses to “How hard is it to open a bottle of wine?

  1. A buddy of mine has that system along with some pressurized corks that supposedly keep your wine fresh for a few extra days. The corks require this little pump to pressurize them, and if you make a mistake and over do it, then suddenly, like with my buddy, your entire ceiling could be covered in burgundy. It was pretty hilarious to see the wine stains on the ceiling and wonder how they got there though!

  2. Yeah, I have one of those cork pump things too. I don’t use it too much, because in general I’m against the concept of not finishing what you started.

  3. Perry Ellis

    Ever seen the opener that uses compressed CO2 to blast the little fuckers out? That’s my all-time favorite bottle opener. But I’m with Pax, this is a new low for our civilization and can only mean one thing: the zombies are coming. Run!

  4. I buy wine with twist caps.

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