The grand Father Scott football preview

Father Scott

Your favorite local Padre, Fallen Angel, and the Paxman himself are in a fantasy football league at our lovely office. FA and Pax dueled it out in last year’s championship with Senor Arcana taking the crown, and FA getting hauled away in cuffs to share a cell with Cedric Benson.

This is my only reason for excitement for the coming NFL season. I’m just not a huge football fan. I’m in a pool, play flag football (as Perry showed you yesterday), and attempt to dominate our fantasy league, but for some reason it doesn’t grab me most years.

However, one thing I do is try to talk myself into the NFL every year, so my excitement level at week 1 is high. And thus, I have thoughts on what will happen this year. After the jump, Padre’s predications (only for posterity — you can find analysis and stats in a hundred other places) for the NFL and fantasy seasons.

NFL

Most previews look about the same, which is weird considering the parity we constantly hear about. Shouldn’t people expect jumps from unexpected teams? Why does everyone pick the same teams to improve (Jets, Saints, Cardinals) and same teams to decline (Cincinnati, Cleveland, Tampa)? I don’t get it. Here are my biggest risers:

1. Oakland. Solid D (from what I’ve read). Potentially historic run offense (that happens to be on my fantasy team). A rocket launcher on the right shoulder of their quarterback. I actually think they have a shot at the division.

2. Buffalo. Marshawn Lynch, baby. Plus, a good o-line and a pretty steady defense. Lee Evans makes me want to vomit, though.


Yes, sir. They can’t stop me.

3. Carolina. They finally got rid of DeShaun Foster. And Matt Moore broke his leg, which means they might actually have competent quarterbacking.

And conversely:

1. San Diego. Rivers is overrated. Merriman is going to fall apart. I can see this team imploding after a slow start. (This is also my prediction most likely to blow up in my face.)


Asshole

2. Denver. I just have this sneaky feeling that they’re going to be absolutely awful.

3. Cleveland. This I agree with the masses about.

Also for posterity, my playoff and Super Bowl picks:

AFC

1. Pittsburgh
2. New England
3. Jacksonville
4. Oakland
5. Buffalo
6. Indianapolis

NFC

1. Seattle
2. Dallas
3. Green Bay
4. New Orleans
5. Philadelphia
6. Carolina

I’ll take Pittsburgh over Dallas in the Super Bowl.

FANTASY

I think everyone on my team (Da Altar Boyzzz — only question going into the year, should I add a fourth Z?) will be awesome, but leading the pack will be Darren McFadden (who will play himself into a 1st-round pick in next year’s drafts), Jeremy Shockey (12 scores? I say yes), and Ricky Williams (as long as he stays away from Fallen Angel during his extracurricular activities).


This guy on Bourbon Street? Can’t go wrong.

This is also the year that Marshawn Lynch vaults himself into absolute stardom. Laurence Maroney could benefit from Belichick’s ability to constantly surprise opponents. And let’s not forget Matt Forte, Matt Schaub, Ted Ginn, Jr., Antwaan Randle El, and Maurice Morris.

And who sucks (compared to their perceived value)?

Adrian Peterson
Frank Gore
Willis McGahee
Torry Holt
Michael Turner (Norwood’s just as good)
Ryan Grant
Roy Williams
Brett Favre
Lee Evans (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)


There is a 1,978% chance that Lee Evans drops this ball

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “The grand Father Scott football preview

  1. Never, in the history of the written word, has someone tried so desperately to convince himself of so many things using so little logic. I applaud you, good sir, and submit to your genius.

    Spaghetti Cat rules.

  2. Surely that’s an exaggeration. I mean, Mein Kampf, right?

    Besides, how much logic was there in Cleveland being good last year behind the gun of Derek Anderson? That Joey Harrington would be a semi-useful fantasy option for a few weeks?

    My only truly crazy thought is Oakland/San Diego. Everything else is somewhat logical.

  3. Fallen Angel

    1. Lee Evans sparked the great miracle playoff run of CEDRIC ROY JUSTIN (formerly Deuce McAllister’s torn ACL, formerly Tom Brady’s Bastards) last season.

    2. Jeremy Shockey has done more drugs than me, Cedric, and Ricky combined. But he’s white, so he still has a job.

    2a. Matt Jones is also white and terrible, like Jeremy Shockey.

    2b. I am currently hunting for a Matt Jones jersey on eBay.

    3. I am currently leading Pax in the championship rematch 8-0.

    4. Stick with 3 “z”s

    5. I am going to start an expansion team. My first three picks are Dwayne Johnson, Brock Lesnar, and Bill Goldberg. They would combine to form a line backing corps than the Patriots have.

    6. Justin Fargas will start by Week 3.

    7. You will drop Marques Colston in Week 7.

    7a. I will pick him up in Week 8 and beat you for a playoff spot.

    8. Joseph Addai.

    8a. Marshawn Lynch

    8b. Brian Westbrook

  4. 2b. best of luck

    5. Except for your choices, that’s kind of a funny idea. I bet an expansion team would do ok, especially with all the RB uncertainty.

    6. No, Fargas starts in week 1. McFadden will take him over almost instantly.

    7. No chance.

    7a. Fuck you.

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  6. Pingback: On my way to naming my fantasy basketball team… «

  7. I just noticed that I correctly picked the winner of the Super Bowl. Wish I put money on it…

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