Creepy doll will not sell your house

Pax Arcana

The upright and fantasmagoric Mrs. Pax Arcana and I did a little house shopping yesterday. Because we live in the greater Boston area, things in our price range tend to fall between “industrial solvent manufacturing plant” and “abandoned mental hospital” on the attractiveness scale.

So we’re open to fixer-uppers, is what I’m saying.

After lunch we took a little trip out to a certain well-heeled suburb to check out a single-family home that had fallen within our price range of late. We could tell by the pictures that the layout was a little unusual and the decor had not been updated since the 1980s. But we figured it was worth a look, since we’re not averse to performing a bit of cosmetic upgrading ourselves.

The first floor was ugly but not offensive. Then we made our way upstairs and discovered this:

In case you can’t quite make it out, this is the last thing evil dictators see before they die.

Here’s a closer look at the psychotic demon succubus in the middle:

I’m no real estate agent, but I’m pretty sure one of the first rules of “staging” a house is to avoid forcing prospective buyers into defecating themselves with your creepy death totems. Just look what this one did to this handsome stranger:

Long story short, we won’t be making an offer.

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16 Comments

Filed under Boston

16 responses to “Creepy doll will not sell your house

  1. Well look at you, Mr. Domestic. Might I recommend Dedham. You’ll be closer to me and then can, you know, feed me.

  2. Shhhhhhhhhh! The doll can hear you…….

  3. Perry Ellis

    Please don’t move to the ‘burbs. Please. At least, not before we do (is Arlington a ‘burb?).

  4. I don’t consider Arlington a burb. It’s like the opposite of an exurb. It’s an innurb.

  5. There’s a lot to like about Lowell.

  6. How is Arlington not a suburb? Is it “the city”?

  7. Perry Ellis

    The only thing to like about Lowell is that I’m rarely there and only to visit you, Luce. Padre, Pax is right on about Arlington – it’s an inurd, effectively part of the city like Cambridge, Somerville and Brookline. Dedham, however, now there’s a suburb. Seen any elk or moose out there lately?

  8. I consider Arlington not a suburb because it’s still on the inner subway loop (Red Line). If you have to drive or take the commuter rail to get downtown, you’re in the suburbs. If you pay a pimp named Skeetz for access to your own backyard, you’re in Lowell.

  9. Fallen Angel

    don’t move to the mean streets of melrose. you wouldn’t survive.

    those scars on my cheek are for every person i’ve off’d

  10. Mrs. Pax Arcana

    You forgot to mention the smell. Spooky demon dolls AND the smell of rotting lilacs, clorox, and mildew.

  11. Osric

    hey at least you didn’t encounter nasty stains dripping down the walls or dead birds on the windowsills. I don’t expect the doll comes with the house, but who knows, maybe they can’t get rid of it!?!

  12. Grouping Arlington with Cambridge and Somerville is pretty generous, but whatever you need to tell yourself to enjoy it is fine with me.

    I think Dedham is beyond the suburbs, isn’t it? I’m practically a Rhode Island resident.

  13. John

    People, People!! It’s not about the suburbs, it’s about…that doll!!
    That alone is worth at least the closing costs!

  14. Bad staging. Everyone trying to sell a house should put away all personal stuff like family photos and weird dolls.

  15. The nicer the doll, the creepier it usually is. Seems like those homeowners need help from that show on A&E – Sell This House.

  16. Pingback: Well look at this freaking tiny deer «

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