Improving dessert one titty at a time

Father Scott

Via the Dave Dameshek podcast, and apropos of nothing, PETA put on its 13-year old boy hat to come up with an idea to make ice cream making more humane: using breast milk.

No, seriously.

Check executive VP Tracy Reiman’s letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, co-founders of Ben & Jerry ice cream.

On behalf of PETA and our more than 2 million members and supporters, I’d like to bring your attention to an innovative new idea from Switzerland that would bring a unique twist to Ben and Jerry’s. Storchen restaurant is set to unveil a menu that includes soups, stews, and sauces made with at least 75 percent breast milk procured from human donors who are paid in exchange for their milk. If Ben and Jerry’s replaced the cow’s milk in its ice cream with breast milk, your customers–and cows–would reap the benefits.

I’m sure that cost is minimal, and the supply of breast milk, you know, breast milk that is not supped by babies or Pax after a long day at the office, is indeed significant. I’m sure there are millions of women who would happily participate. Because what would be better to include in your day of working, reading US Weekly, and being generally sexy, ladies, than capping it off with a trip to a doctor’s office to squeeze milk from those supple jugs?

Using cow’s milk for your ice cream is a hazard to your customer’s [ed. Ben and Jerry’s only has one customer, apparently!] health. Dairy products have been linked to juvenile diabetes, allergies, constipation, obesity, and prostate and ovarian cancer.

Holy fuck. Constipation? It’s an epidemic. I also heard that dairy products were linked to juvenile delinquincy.

The late Dr. Benjamin Spock, America’s leading authority on child care, spoke out against feeding cow’s milk to children, saying it may play a role in anemia, allergies, and juvenile diabetes and in the long term, will set kids up for obesity and heart disease–America’s number one cause of death.

Dr. Spock? You’re fucking joking, right? And how is he a leading authority if he’s dead? Holes in your story, PETA. Holes.

Animals will also benefit from the switch to breast milk.

Tangentially, animals benefit from a PETA policy. Weird.

Like all mammals, cows only produce milk during and after pregnancy, so to be able to constantly milk them, cows are forcefully impregnated every nine months. After several years of living in filthy conditions and being forced to produce 10 times more milk than they would naturally, their exhausted bodies are turned into hamburgers or ground up for soup.

If we have to do this to women, too, I nominate Nancy Grace to go first.


Seeing her without horns is like seeing her naked

And of course, the veal industry could not survive without the dairy industry. Because male calves can’t produce milk, dairy farmers take them from their mothers immediately after birth and sell them to veal farms, where they endure 14 to17 weeks of torment chained inside a crate so small that they can’t even turn around.

That’s a stretch, lady.

The breast is best! Won’t you give cows and their babies a break and our health a boost by switching from cow’s milk to breast milk in Ben and Jerry’s ice cream? Thank you for your consideration.

I’m changing my email signature at work to this:

Father Scott
Padre, Editor Extraordinaire
Dedham, MA
The Breast is Best!

In a related story, Time is now debating whether the most influential person of 2009 will be Barack Obama, John McCain, or Queen Latifah.


Now that’s real change

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