Oh for fuck’s sake Coolio

Pax Arcana

We lost track of former famous person Coolio earlier this year after he ignored our entreaties to join the nascent Brotherhood of the Flying Shark Vikings, and this week Father Scott forwarded us an urgent and terrifying update on his whereabouts.

Not only has Coolio shunned the pleas of the zombie-fighting brigade, but he has chosen to continue his foolhardy ambitions on reality television:

The aging rapper appears with four of his six children – Artisha, 20, Brandi, 19, Artis, 18, and Jackie, 15 – in “Coolio’s Rules,” October 28 on Oxygen.

Two of Coolio’s sons declined to appear on the six-episode series, which is filmed mostly at the Grammy winner’s modest suburban Los Angeles home.

Even worse, Coolio persists on foisting his considerable lack of talent on hungry drunks outside of nightclubs, or something:

“I pretty much got robbed by my ex-wife,” he says. Coolio, who was married to L.A. radio personality – and his current manager – Josefa Salinas from 1996 to 2000, hopes to earn his next fortune by tapping into his culinary skills.

“Have you every come out of a nightclub and you see those cats outside selling hot dogs? I am gonna open a couple of carts like that,” he says. “I am going to sell my soul rolls. They are egg rolls, but with soul.”

That’s great, Coolio. Turn down an offer to join the foremost anti-zombie death squad on the planet to run a fucking egg roll cart outside of gay bars. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were scared…

Coolio and the Gang [NY Post]

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