The 100 Best Horror Movies Ever (Part IV: [not the Final Chapter])

Fallen Angel

Now we start to get to the portion of the list that is even more awesome than Corey Feldman’s Tommy Jarvis taking a machete to Jason Voorhees’ head.

I’m pumped because I finally have my Halloween movie, and 31st horror movie of the month, selected. It is the epitome of awesome, and it is called Zombie Strippers. There is no way the combination of Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund can disappoint. Number 30 will be The Exorcism of Emily Rose tonight. We’ll see if either one can make the Top 100 next year. I already know there will have to be a revision after what I watched last night, but you’ll have to wait for that.

Regarding baseball, I don’t want to think or talk about it for at least a week. I am now completely invested in the Patriots and Bruins. This is the ONLY image of the Rays I want to have right now:

40-21 after the jump.

40. The Signal (2007)

Strange TV signal causes people to start killing. Actually a collection of three “transmissions” directed by three different people that all keep telling one continuous story. They work together perfectly, the first being survival horror, the second a black comedy, and the third a suspenseful mystery. This movie proves that there is still some originality and hope for the horror genre yet.

39. Cemetery Man (1994)

Man keeps zombies in check as cemetery caretaker. What begins as a simple zombie flick becomes a warped and twisted mindfuck. Like several of the movies on the list, it will require some post-viewing contemplation (and looking for answers on message boards) before it all makes sense. Yet another movie that shows sex (especially if it’s with Anna Falchi) in a graveyard is always hot, but never manages to lead to good things. You would never guess this was done by the same dude who directed The Church. Also, I need to say that Gnaghi is one of the most endearing characters in any movie, ever.

True love <3

True love <3

38. Near Dark (1987)

Guy gets bit, turned, and taken in by a band of vampires. Bill Paxton returns with another great performance, and Lance Henriksen never disappoints. I’ll save any suspense while reading the rest of the list and tell you this is the last vampire movie on it. The western/action elements are great, and the motel shootout had to have influenced a Rob Zombie film yet to appear on this list. In the end, this is another one of the horror movies that boils down to a love story at heart, and this time it works perfectly.

That was the sound of my balls falling off.

37. Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987)

Ash returns to save people from more demons in the woods. Bruce Campbell + fighting his evil hand + replacing said hand with a chainsaw + Three Stooges-style comedy + demonic possession = epic win. Really, anything featuring Bruce Campbell = epic win.


36. Sleepaway Camp (1983)

Campers and counselors get murdered one-by-one at Camp Arawak. For the most part, a generic slasher. However, add in some pseudo-taboo elements (especially at the time) including a gay adult relationship, child molestation, and cross-dressing, and throw in the most ridiculous, outrageous ending of all time (more surprising than Saw, more disturbing than The Crying Game), and it becomes far more interesting. The sequels are also strongly recommended.


35. Feast (2005)

Strange creatures terrorize people holed up in a bar. The freeze-frame video game/sporting event introductions of each character let you know that you’re about to witness something awesome. That feeling goes through the roof with two of the first three deaths that take place. Henry Rollins is just one of many among the great cast (his “Bullshit!” is perfect), Krista Allen is hot, and see if you can recognize Theresa, Ryan’s ex from “The O.C.”

OK, I didn’t just do myself any favors after that Near Dark synopsis…

34. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)

Title says what it is. How Michael Rooker portrayed Henry without going legitimately insane is beyond me. Very gruesome. The only movie that has made me feel grimy after watching it. And that’s saying some, just ask fatherscott.

Do not go near this man.

Do not go near this man.

33. Night of the Living Dead (1968)

People hide from zombies in an old farmhouse. George Romero’s classic that started it all. The original reason for the dead coming back to life was radiation. Gotta love the 1960s. Despite being black and white and fairly slow paced, this movie is still one of the best zombie movies of all time. The constant shots of them devouring intestines and other various organs are terrifying, the ending will piss you off, and “They’re coming to get you, Barbara” is still one of the best and creepiest lines ever.

32. Cube (1997)

Strangers wake up in a strange prison with cubic rooms, many of which are booby trapped. This might be the most unique movie on the list. You just get the feeling that everyone in the movie is fucked no matter what they try. It’s extremely claustrophobic and disorienting, and it does an amazing job of making you either love or hate every character. For gore fans, each new trap is exciting, particularly the memorable opener.

31. The Blair Witch Project (1999)

Things go wrong when three people make a documentary in the woods about the Blair Witch. You either love or hate this movie. I missed the initial wave of hype, but even when I did get around to seeing it, it creeped me out. When they come happen upon the house in the very end, it’s some of the most harrowing five minutes ever.


30. I Spit on Your Grave (1978)

Woman gets revenge after being gang raped. Most disturbing castration scene of all time. I bonded with an FYE clerk the day I bough this. We agreed it was the best revenge movie ever. I’ll leave you with the classic tagline: “This woman has just cut, chopped, broken and burned five men beyond recognition…but no jury in America would ever convict her!”

A woman scorned

A woman scorned

29. Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)

Kirsty attempts to thwart Dr. Channard, who wants to control hell and the Cenobites. I would assume it could be very controversial to rank this ahead of the Clive Barker-directed original, but I honestly like it much better. Highlight is the showdown between Cenobite Dr. Channard and the rest of the Cenobites (SWERVE~! Face turn!), leading to the revelation of their original identities. Great gore, and I love the way the aforementioned battle is led off by Channard exclaiming “Oh good! A fight!” Am I the only one turned on by a woman with no skin?

28. Versus (2000)

Escaped prisoner and yakuza try to survive in a forest containing one of the gates to hell. This is what you get when the Japanese mix action, comedy, and zombies. It is non-stop ridiculous action including zombies firing guns. Isn’t that your worst nightmare or something Pax?

27. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Teens are killed in their dreams by Freddy Krueger. A classic that has Wes Craven at his best. Freddy is so awesome in this movie before being turned into a comedian for most of the rest of the series. I also find the mother to be a pretty horrific character in her own right. Between the haunting nursery rhyme and some awesomely gruesome deaths, this is obviously among the standard bearers for slasher movies. I also get very nervous every time fatherscott wears his Freddy sweater to work.

26. The Orphanage (2007)

Mother investigates the disappearance of her son and ghosts of her past. First, I need to dispel any false beliefs that del Toro directed this. He was a producer only. This one belongs to Juan Antonio Bayona. As I mentioned before, ghost stories truly freak me out, and this was no different. I will die if I ever see someone wearing the mask from this. Warning: very depressing ending.

Oh shizzle

Oh shizzle

25. Session 9 (2001)

Bad things happen to an asbestos removal crew at the abandoned Danvers State Mental Hospital. Much like Final Destination and The Signal, this one gets a lot of points for just being an original post-2000 film. Add in the local setting, extremely creepy atmosphere, and a tricky mystery, and you have a great movie.

24. Haute Tension (2003)

A girl tries to save her friend from a serial killer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s one big point-of-view plothole, but who gives a shit? It’s beautifully shot, has great gore, lesbian tension, and twist, and Muse sings their song “New Born” in French! Also, pretty soon I may have to start trying out the The Killer’s strategy for getting head. Literally. Hee! So far, it’s been all downhill for Alexandre Aja since this one.

23. Poltergeist (1982)

Family is haunted by ghosts, who capture the youngest daughter. Hands down the cutest child daughter ever…and I say that in a completely non-creepy way. Of course, everyone knows about her mysterious and unfortunate death during the filming of the third movie. Very few things are scarier than the attack of the clown and when the corpses start showing up. Tobe Hooper (Toolbox Murders)…not yet finished on this list.

Fuckin' clowns!

Fuckin' clowns!

22. American Psycho (2000)

Indulgent investment banker has a double life as a serial killer. Before he became Batman and beat up with mother, Christian Bale acted out of his mind as Patrick Bateman (whoa, Batman plus one letter), one of the greatest villains of all time. His diatribes on bands and one-liners (“Don’t just stare at it. Eat it.” “You’re a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death and play around with your blood.” “I have to return some videotapes.”) are absolutely fantastic. Recommended for people who hate 30 Seconds to Mars, or for people who want to see Bale’s (mostly) naked body.

Goodbye, Jared Leto

Goodbye, Jared Leto

21. The Thing (1982)

Team at an Antarctic research outpost encounter a shape-shifting alien. John Carpenter’s second best movie ever (gee, what could be the first?). It may take a second viewing to truly appreciate what you are witnessing (it did for me). A feeling of isolation and dread permeates the film, and there are some pretty horrific scenes including the blood test and the opening stomach. Each form of the alien is unique and a great nightmarish image, and the completely inconclusive ending is the perfect ending.

Testing positive for alien

Testing positive for alien

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6 Comments

Filed under movies

6 responses to “The 100 Best Horror Movies Ever (Part IV: [not the Final Chapter])

  1. Jaelynne

    I’ve seen about 12 or so of these.

    American Psycho is one of my favorite movies of ALL TIME.

  2. Great selections ! I love all of these lists this
    time of year… “Feast” was AWESOME ! LOL !
    Happy Halloween…

  3. Manos

    The orphanage is at the best horror movies?This crap couldn’t even scare my little sister…You suck!

  4. john

    i spit on your grave

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