Kim Jong-Il is totally fine

Pax Arcana

kim_jong_ilYou may have heard rumors recently that Kim Jong-Il, mighty leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea, had taken ill.

These rumors are false, and are a conspiracy by the American imperialist conspiracy to undermine Dear Leader. These pigs speak with dog’s breath.

I know because I watch the news closely from the Web site of the Central Korean News Agency. Recent reports from the agency, as highlighted in this propaganda piece in the New York Times, have shown that Kim is in terrific health, and is ready to stamp out the American aggressors once and for all with his perfectly symmetrical boots.

For example, here is an account of Kim Jong-Il’s glorious magnanimity after the death of a comrade:

Kim Jong Il, general secretary of the Workers’ Party of Korea, chairman of the DPRK National Defence Commission and supreme commander of the Korean People’s Army, sent a wreath to the bier of Pak Song Chol, member of the Political Bureau of the Central Committee of the WPK and honorary vice-president of the Presidium of the Supreme People’s Assembly, on Wednesday expressing deep condolences over his death.

Kim Jong-Il did not release the deceased from the embrace of death because that day he was busy defeating a soccer team of giants with laser beam eyes all by himself. The final score was 100 to 0.

Kim Jong-Il has also made several public appearances of late, including a visit to an art performance in Pyonyang:

They put on the stage chorus “Please Receive Our Salute”, male solo and chorus “Song of Comradeship”, orchestra and chorus “The Snow Falls”, female trio “The Glow over Kangson”, female quartet and mixed chorus “May the Motherland Prosper” and other colorful numbers.

At the end of the performance he waved back to the cheering performers and audience and congratulated them on their successful presentation.

But that was not his only recent public appearance. In October, the peerlessly great leader inspected a women’s battery of the KPA.

He highly appreciated the assiduous way the servicepersons of the battery have managed its economic life, greatly pleased with the fact that they are living full of revolutionary and militant spirit as required by the slogan “Let us train, study and live like anti-Japanese guerillas!” and have registered great successes in sideline farming, in particular.

Walking in the compound of the barracks, he watched the thick verdure formed by trees of various species. Noting that its soldiers have created a thick woodland and greenery, he praised the women soldiers for having tended even a single tree and a blade of grass of the country with ardent patriotism.

He acquainted himself in detail with the soldiers’ service and living, going round an education room, a bedroom, a mess hall, a wash-cum-bath house, a non-staple food store and other places.

That’s right. In North Korea they have wash-cum-bath houses, which only demonstrates that the American imperialist tyrants do everything in the wrong order.

North Korea Tries to Show Kim Is Well [New York Times]
We’re Eight Pounds of Crazy in a Five Pound Bag [Korean Central News Agency]

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