Wisconsin is drunk

Pax Arcana

My brother moved to Wisconsin several years ago in order to infiltrate the Greater Sheboygan Grand Order of Caribou Club. I can’t tell you why, but I will lean toward you menacingly and tell you that revenge is serious business within the Scandinavian American community. We consider it a dish best served cold with a side of fermented cod paste.

drunk_pumpkinIn order to become a citizen of Wisconsin, my brother was forced to undergo a procedure in which 60% of his blood was replaced — via crude transfusion — with a heady mixture of melted cheddar and Brandy. It’s true — If his BAC (blood alcohol content) or BCC (blood cheese content) dips below .14 at any time he faces deportation to Minnesota.

Recently an outsider from the New York Times poked his nose into Wisconsin’s collective liquor pantry trying to sniff out why they’re all so drunk all the time.

It appears the problem is that Wisconsin lets its drunk people write the laws up there don’t ya know?

For one thing, it’s legal to serve minors in Wisconsin as long as they’re with their parents:

While it might raise some eyebrows in most of America, it is perfectly legal in Wisconsin. Minors can drink alcohol in a bar or restaurant in Wisconsin if they are accompanied by a parent or legal guardian who gives consent. While there is no state law setting a minimum age, bartenders can use their discretion in deciding whom to serve.

I think this is a great idea. Is there a better way to get your nine year old’s allowance back than by getting her tipsy and beating her ass at foosball?

Oh, also, go ahead and drive drunk in Wisconsin. The cops are worried about more important things, like not nailing your drunk ass:

Drunken drivers in Wisconsin are not charged with a felony until they have been arrested a fifth time. Wisconsin law prohibits sobriety checks by the police, a common practice in other states.

But the drinkers have typically had plenty of advocates in the State Legislature. State Representative Marlin Schneider, for example, sees sobriety checkpoints as an intrusion on Constitutional rights of due process.

Actually, this is a rather loose interpretation of what Mr. Schneider said. His exact words were “Heyy. HEEEYYYYY!! Did I ebber tell you bout time I snat next to Brett Farvuruh on a flight to Arrrizona??? It was sooooo great an’ I tole him he was the best I ebber saw an’ then he said I was a good Snate Snenator — Sen – uh – ter — and then I passed out an when I woke up he was gone and there was throwup on my tie. I MISSSS YOU BRETT!!!!”

Some See Big Problem in Wisconsin Drinking [New York Times]



Filed under journalism

2 responses to “Wisconsin is drunk

  1. JBW

    I love this picture.
    I wonder if by writing this you’re spoiling your brother’s plot for revenge.

  2. No, the plans have been set in motion. The bees have their orders.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s