10 ways your children will die this holiday season

Pax Arcana

The holiday season is almost upon us, bringing with it the smell of nutmeg, the warmth of a crackling hearth, and the knowledge that your children are certain to die an excruciating and horrifying death due to your negligence.

Thankfully, the World Against Toys Causing Harm (WATCH) is here to call attention to these rusty butchering tools pawned off as instruments of “fun.” Yesterday, the Globe published the group’s annual list of 10 toys that are most likely to incinerate, crush, choke, stab, dismember, or decapitate your children.

After the jump, let’s take a look at the list:

Sportsman Shotgun


WATCH says this totally awesome toy shotgun is bad because it “includes rubber bullets that can be loaded and shot.” I say who is going to defend us from our plastic terrorist enemies if these are taken off the market? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? We live in a world of walls, son.

Go Go Minis pullback vehicle


Not only does WATCH hate the troops, but they also hate our nation’s brave firefighters. This toy is a no-no because the rear wheels can be pulled off — a potential choking hazard for the kinds of kids that chew on tires. I think this toy should be pulled off the market because those ladders are not even close to scale. You wouldn’t even be able to climb the firetruck with those things.

The Giga Ball


The point of this toy is to climb inside and roll around inside a big giant ball. WATCH says it’s a bad toy because the instructions on the box say parental supervision is “required” while the toy packaging says parental supervision is “recommended.” I say if you let your kid crawl into an inflatable ball and play near a highway overpass based on ambiguity on the packaging, then maybe the gene pool needed a little extra chlorination anyway.

Animal Alley Purse Pet


OK I totally agree with WATCH on this one. This toy means certain death for any who cross its path.

Spider-Man Adjustable Toy Skates


These skates are bad because they come with knee pads and elbow pads, but no wrist guards or helmets. I say Spider-Man doesn’t need a fucking helmet, son, now get out there and SKATE LIKE THE WIND!

Pucci Puppies – My Own Puppy House Golden Retriever


The problem here is that young kids could accidentally choke on some of the small parts that come with the adorable puppy. Also, it sometimes explodes. No it doesn’t, but that would be pretty effing awesome, no?

Walk’n Sounds Digger the Dog


This dog toy is dangerous because it includes “a 26-inch pull string, 14 inches longer than the industry’s voluntary limit of 12 inches.” Man, if I had a dollar for every time I heard that, I’d… wait that makes no sense does it. I’m running out of steam here, people.

Meadow Mystery Play-a-Sound Book With a Cuddly Pooh


This one has all sorts of problems, including vague age recommendations and a bunch of plastic attachments that need to be cut before giving the toy to children. The Pooh itself is dangerous because it comes with a mask that can be pulled off — only to reveal that Pooh is actually the ghost of Liberace. You heard it here first.

Extreme Spiral Copters


I’m guessing the fine people at WATCH just read the name on the box and declared Extreme Spiral Copters dangerous. If someone made a toy that was just a fluffy ball made of sunshine and happy dreams, but called it “Maximum Fighter Stick” these people would find a way to target it.

TMNT Ninja Battle Gear – Michelangelo


This toy basically consists of tiny plastic throwing stars and nunchucks, so yeah, I guess you could say there’s a chance kids will beat each other with them. You may wonder why Michelangelo was singled out from among the TMNT gang, and the answer is simple — Donatello, Rafael, and Leonardo are total pussies.

W.A.T.C.H.’s annual list of 10 worst toys [Boston.com]



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2 responses to “10 ways your children will die this holiday season

  1. Fallen Angel

    i say we buy those shotguns. much better than elastics.

  2. Jaelynne

    I think the throwing stars are the best choice. The Music Man wouldn’t have to hear the elastics snap anymore, and they could be used to shear off the windowshades with their jagged edges so Lady Sunshine would have no reason to complain.

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