The conspiracy to assassinate Plaxico Burress’s thigh is beginning to unravel. Even though most of the media has already convicted Burress of plugging his own damn self (in what some are derisively calling a “Plaxident“), the New York Post finally got around to doing some investigating.
What they find is so shocking and profound that it will blow your mind and completely reorient your sense of right and wrong and left and right.
While the “official” police report and several eyewitness accounts say Plaxico shot himself while fumbling around in his waistband at a nightclub, Plaxico apparently checked himself into a New York hospital under the name “Harris Smith” and told doctors he’d been shot at an Applebee’s.
This raises two serious questions:
1. Who was Burress so frightened of that he tried to hide his real identity from hospital workers? Could one of the doctors be involved? Do the pocket gnomes have cousins who inhabit those backless gowns they give out at hospitals?
2. WHAT IS APPLEBEE’S HIDING? Deciding to do a little investigative journalism myself, I went to the Applebee’s Web site to see what they have to say for themselves. You would think that being implicated as the global center of wide receiver-based gunshot violence would prompt a statement from them, but the most recent news release on its site is just a milquetoast announcement of the new “2 for $20” deal at the chain — in which you and your date can both suffer explosive diahhrea for less than the cost of a movie.
Not since the Olive Garden hid its deliciousness from the residents of Sioux Falls has a major casual dining chain perpetrated such an insidious fraud on the American public.
PLAX TURNS HIMSELF IN [NY Post]