Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress will turn himself into New York City police today on felony gun charges. The arrest comes just days after Burress was shot in the thigh at a Manhattan nightclub, where he operates a charity that rescues rare bottles of champagne from high shelves.
Several media reports indicate Burress’ wound was self-inflicted — meaning he accidentally shot himself while messing around with his piece.
If you believe that, I suggest you have not been watching enough C.S.I. Miami.
It is clear to me that Plaxico is the victim of a conspiracy to tarnish his sparkling reputation. After all, the man is a committed teammate, husband, and humanitarian who has always prioritized others over himself. Like that time he caught the game-winner in the Super Bowl.
That. Was. Awesome. (For me).
So the question remains — who shot Plaxico?
Clearly it was the work of a criminal genius, who was not only able to pop a cap in Plaxico’s leg meat, but was also able to hoodwink the police and press into believing the injury was caused by Plaxico’s own hand. This kind of deviousness is simply beyond the reach of normal criminals.
Here are the five prime suspects:
1. Ellis Hobbs
Probably the most obvious suspect, it was Hobbs who was left alone to cover Burress on the final Giants drive of the Super Bowl last February. With no safety to help him out, Hobbs fell for the inside move, then watched helplessly as Burress floated into space and football immortality. I know a lot of NFL cornerbacks, and the one thing they all agree makes them feel better after being burned on a big play is shooting the wide receiver in a nightclub. It’s true — you can look it up.
I have it on good authority that the day after Plaxico was shot, a soft manilla envelope arrived at the NYPD headquarters. The contents of the envelope included a number of mimeographed images of monkeys being tortured in laboratories and chinchillas kept in cages and summarily bludgeoned and skinned. Plaxico was not named in any of the loosely packed papers, but it’s safe to say PETA people are fucking loons who will stop at nothing to implicate anyone and everyone in the GREATEST MASS MURDER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD AND THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION STILL DOES NOTHING WHAT ABOUT THE SOULS OF ANIMALS PETS ARE PEOPLE TOOOOOOOOO.
3. Pocket Gnomes
While everyone knows that pocket gnomes are both temperamental and cunning, very few know that they are huge soccer fans who have elected Landon Donovan as their spiritual leader. Nothing cuts to the core of the pocket gnome community like the disrespect most Americans show the beautiful game, so it would not be surprising if one of them took it upon himself to maim one of the NFL’s brightest stars.
4. John McCain
When it became clear a few days before the election that McCain would not be our next president, I think many of us figured he would either amble back to the comfort of his Senate seat or haul off on a multi-state shooting spree. Burress was an Obama supporter, and he and McCain both like to frequent NYC’s dopest hip-hop spots, so it’s pretty clear there was both motive and opportunity.
5. Tom Coughlin
Like it wasn’t the first thing that crossed your mind, too.