We have a new suspect (Who Shot Plaxico?)

Pax Arcana

plax_jr1It’s been four days since Plaxico Burress was shot in the thigh, and we still don’t know who the real shooter is. The media and several eyewitnesses still insist it was Burress himself who pulled the trigger, but it is becoming increasing apparent that the “official” story is more full of holes than the voodoo doll I made of Father Scott after his weak-ass fantasy football team beat mine a few weeks ago.

First, we identified five possible culprits who had the motive and opportunity to commit thighicide against Plaxico. Then we investigated the telling silence from casual dining chain Applebee’s — where Plaxico told doctors he suffered the injury.

Now, thanks to Plaxico’s lawyer, we have another clue:

Defense lawyer Benjamin Brafman argued for no bail, saying: “He has 35 million reasons to come back to court” — referring to Burress’ $35 million contract with the Giants.

Every good journalist knows that when confronted with a story of seemingly impenetrable complexity, the best way to find the truth is to follow the money.

Consider the following:

1. The Giants, who are tired of being upstaged by Plaxico’s many, many charitable deeds, are on the hook for $35 million if Plaxico plays out the rest of his contract.

2. Plaxico’s current team, the New York Giants, is owned by the Mara family.

3. Plaxico’s former team, the Pittsburgh Steelers, is owned by the Rooney family.

4. Actress Kate Mara is descended from the Mara family on her father’s side and the Rooney family on her mother’s side.

5. Kate Mara’s most well-known movie is the 2007 thriller “Shooter.”

kate_mara

I think you see where I’m going with this. Unless I see proof that Kate Mara was not, in fact, in shooting range of Plaxico’s thigh on Friday night, I consider this investigation open.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I concocted a ridiculous theory just to have an excuse to post a picture of Kate Mara in her bra. I say you are awfully touchy about this, my friend. Sounds like someone might be getting closer to the truth, huh? You’re not the only one who can play these mind games, pal.

Giants WR Burress charged on 2 felony weapon counts, released [ESPN]

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2 Comments

Filed under sports

2 responses to “We have a new suspect (Who Shot Plaxico?)

  1. Fallen Angel

    “There’s always a confused soul that thinks that one man can make a difference. And you have to kill him to convince him otherwise. That’s the hassle with democracy.”

    Kate Mara would look better in that picture covered in animal blood and [damn i don’t want to offend anyone with the rest of this sentence.]

  2. We have a post on Norwegian black metal coming later today. You’ll get your chance.

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