Old tortoise is banging, happy

Pax Arcana

With apologies to Father Scott, Betty White isn’t the only prehistoric creature itchin’ to get some loving.

On the island of St. Helena, a sea tortoise named Jonathan is cruising around and eating grass and doing tons of chicks. By chicks, of course, I mean other sea tortoises.

Oh, also, people just found a picture of Jonathan dating back to 1900. Doing the math for you, that means Jonathan the sea tortoise 176 years old.

Or, as I like to say, Jonathan the sea tortoise is 176 fucking years old:


The previous oldest tortoise was widely thought to be Harriet, a giant Galapagos Land tortoise, who died in 2005 aged 175 in Australia.

Despite his old age, locals say he still has the energy to regularly mate with the three younger females.

Pretty awesome, obviously. But there’s a deeper issue here. Jonathan first arrived at St. Helena (as a gift from the Seychelles) in 1882, just after he reached maturity. That means Jonathan’s sex drive was formed in the Victorian age, when the lady tortoises wore their shells down to their knees and a tuppence bought you a laugh and a pint. I wonder how someone adjusts to the multitude of societal upheavals like that. I also wonder why cold water isn’t thicker than warm water. I mean, it’s that much closer to ice, right?

World’s oldest living animal discovered after he is pictured in 1900 photograph [Telegraph UK]



Filed under history

3 responses to “Old tortoise is banging, happy

  1. Perry Ellis

    Cold water is thicker than warm water. I can prove it:

    Boil a bunch of water, dump it into your bathtub and jump in.

    Then drain the tub and repear, this time with ice-cold H20.

    After the burns heal, you’ll remember that you sank right to the bottom of the hot-water tub. Isn’t science awesome?

  2. Internet formatting pwns Perry Ellis. LOLZ!!1!!!1

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