They sell burritos in New York, right?

Pax Arcana

[Tampa, Florida. 2009. The Yankees arrive for the first day of Spring Training.]

Indians Sabathia Hurt Baseball
“Oh wow. Look at this. I’m at Legends Field in Tampa, Florida being outfitted in slimming dark blue pinstripes. This is a dream come true for any ballplayer — to play for the winningest and most well-known franchise in the history of the sport. I am truly blessed. Say — does anyone know if they sell burritos in New York?”

johnny_damon2
“Grog. Ooogie oogie.”

Indians Sabathia Hurt Baseball
“I’m sorry — I didn’t quite understand that. Did you say they do or do not sell burritos in New York? I found a couple of places down here this morning, so I’ll be fine for spring training, but I’m a little worried about getting back to New York. Brian Cashman said the city was a melting pot of hundreds of different cultures and flavors — but did not specifically mention burrito flavoring as an option.”

johnny_damon2
“GROGGA BALOGGA. OOOOOOONKOGGA”

Indians Sabathia Hurt Baseball
“OK, I can see you are going to be of very little assistance. Oh — there’s Jorge Posada. I’ll ask him. Say, Jorge, is it true that they sell burritos in New York? I think I’m going to be quite hungry upon our arrival there and would like to have things as well planned as possible.”

jorge_posada
“Why are you asking me about burritos? I’m half Cuban and half Dominican, you jerk! Burritos are Mexican! WHY DO YOU THINK EVERY SPANISH SPEAKING PLAYER IS A MEXICAN YOU FAT MEANIE!!!”

[Posada cries, runs to the manager’s office, remembers Torre isn’t the manager anymore, runs back into the clubhouse and locks himself in his locker]

2163697TK004_ARod_Comp
“Perhaps I can be of assistance.”

Indians Sabathia Hurt Baseball
“A-Rod, thank God you’re here. Listen, I know you’re not Mexican — but can you tell me if they sell Burritos in New York? I’ve got $140 million coming to me and I plan on splurging a little once we get to the Big Apple. The trainers are worried that I’ll overdo it, but I think I can limit my burrito consumption to 12 or 15 a day.”

2163697TK004_ARod_Comp
“The answers you seek can be found only by transcending to the astral plane of oneness with the divine mother.”

Indians Sabathia Hurt Baseball
“Whut?”

2163697TK004_ARod_Comp
“The very process of understanding the unknowable begins with the acceptance that there exists an unknowable that can be understood.”

Indians Sabathia Hurt Baseball
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

2163697TK004_ARod_Comp
“You don’t? Shit. I was hoping some of that would make sense to you. I’m supposed to write a book report on Carbonara for the old lady by tonight, and I’ve only got one page done — and that’s because I double-spaced.”

Indians Sabathia Hurt Baseball
“You mean Kabbalah?”

2163697TK004_ARod_Comp
“Yeah, Kabbalah. What did I say?”

Indians Sabathia Hurt Baseball
“You said Carbonara — which is a pasta dish flavored with pepper, pig jowl, Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese, and tossed with a raw egg. The name of the dish comes from the flecks of meat and pepper, which are said to look like charcoal.”

2163697TK004_ARod_Comp
“Wow, you know a lot about that. Do you know anything about Kabbalah?”

Indians Sabathia Hurt Baseball
“Not a damn thing.”

2163697TK004_ARod_Comp
“Shoot. [Tears up.] Oh man, I’m gonna be in sooo much trouble!”

[A-Rod cries, runs to the manager’s office, remembers Torre isn’t the manager anymore, runs back into the clubhouse and locks himself in his locker]

Indians Sabathia Hurt Baseball
“Who the hell are these guys?”

Royals Yankees Baseball
“Joba!”

Indians Sabathia Hurt Baseball
“Oh hey, yeah — Joba Chamberlain. I watched you pitch on TV a few times last year. I like your stuff.”

Royals Yankees Baseball
“Joba Joba!”

Indians Sabathia Hurt Baseball
“Yeah, I know. I’m CC Sabathia. It’s nice to meet you.”

Royals Yankees Baseball
“Jobajobajoba. JOBAJOBA!!!”

Indians Sabathia Hurt Baseball
“The hell?”

johnny_damon2
“GROK blork googa googa CHANK.”

Royals Yankees Baseball
“Jobajoba. JobaJOBAjoba.”

Sources: Yankees, Sabathia near deal [ESPN]

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4 Comments

Filed under baseball

4 responses to “They sell burritos in New York, right?

  1. Fallen Angel

    these sabathia posts make me very hungry.

    also, i don’t think damon is quite that literate.

  2. You know what’s funnier than the Yankees paying $140 million over 6 years for a morbidly obese man? Paying $160 million over 7 years for a morbidly obese man!!!

  3. I know. That story changed literally as I was writing this. Once again, the Yankees bid against NO ONE to overpay for a guy.

  4. The Good Doctor

    This is the greatest thing I’ve read all week. For such an accomplishment, you should get the Illinois Senate seat.

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