Monthly Archives: January 2009

Liveblog: Bates/Bowdoin January 23, 2009

Father Scott

I’m about to do something that must be a first on the Internet. And by “a first on the Internet”, I mean, a really pathetic thing.

I have acquired a DVD of last Friday’s Bates/Bowdoin basketball game (ht: a secret team source via mom of the Padre). I shall now watch and liveblog the game…which Bates won at the buzzer. This is going to be fantastic.

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“Basically it’s a robe that you wear backwards”

Pax Arcana

This was long overdue:

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Friday Random 10: Cop Talk Edition

Pax Arcana

copstacheThe mellifluous and articulate Mrs. Pax Arcana and I have long made sport of police officers and their peculiar word choices. Point a camera or notebook at a cop and they shift instantly into speaking a language that is related to English, but only tangentially. The overarching rule of cop talk is to ignore simple words when more obscure ones are available.

For example, a normal human being might give the police the following statement:

“I was just getting out of my car and I saw a man coming out from behind the house. Then I called you guys.”

Which will be translated for the media as:

“The eyewitness indicated that he was in the process of exiting his vehicle when he observed a male individual exiting from the rear of the residence. The eyewitness indicated that it was at that time that he alerted law enforcement.”

Part of me thinks cops do this thinking they are speaking a somehow more precise code language. Another part of me thinks cops have simply concocted a blue-collar baroque tongue that elevates them above the riff-raff they habitually toss in the pokey. Or maybe they just try to sound like robots.

Regardless, this condition apparently hurts cops in court. According to this essay by a professional witness trainer, the peculiarities of cop speak drives a wedge between them and the juries they are supposed to impress:

When you talk like that, you sound like somebody who’s full of himself or who’s trying to hide the truth in a mountain of syllables – both are stereotypes we do NOT need to be reinforcing with jurors. You don’t sound like a regular person the jury can relate to and identify with. So, when the defense attorney starts beating up on you the jury just sees two courtroom professionals – neither of which they can identify with (which means they can’t empathize with) – going at each other in some highfalutin’ word game that has little to do with them – or justice.

When asked what behaviors increase a witness’ credibility in court, jurors responded that “uses understandable language” is one of the most important. [Trial Behavior Consulting, Inc., THE RECORDER, October 1997.] That’s why we call it “straight talk.” This is the critical reason to quit talking funny in court – it hurts your credibility. Credibility is the degree to which the jury believes you – and that’s the one confrontation you must win in court.

Also, shave those goddamn mustaches off. They look ridiculous.

The songs:

Aluminum Park — My Morning Jacket
At the House of the Clerkenwell Kid — The Real Tuesday Weld
Sundialing — Caribou
Advance Cassette — Spoon
The Tooth Fairy and the Princess — Hüsker Dü
Innocent Bones — Iron & Wine
Dance All Night — Ryan Adams and the Cardinals
All Apologies — Nirvana
Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell — The Flaming Lips
Roses Are Free — Ween

Bonus Video:

I Wanna Be Your Dog — Iggy Pop and the Stooges (late homage to Ron Asheton):

The Rules: The Friday Random 10 is exactly that — random. We open up our iTunes, set the thing on shuffle, and listen to 10 songs. We are not permitted to skip any out of embarrassment or fear of redundancy. Commenters are encouraged to post their own.

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Blogroll Addition: project126

Pax Arcana

We all play our roles in the extended Pax Familias. I, of course, am the tweedy and charming father of the brood — quick with a knowing nod and generally three sheets to the wind on Scotch. Father Scott is like the strident young ward I took under my wing and saved from a life of making moose jerky somewhere in Maine. Perry Ellis is the eccentric down the street who collects discarded copper for a “secret project” he’s building in his basement.

And then there’s Fallen Angel. Once the protege of Father Scott, Fallen Angel earned his moniker just over a year ago for apostasy against the padre’s church. It wasn’t pretty.

fallen_angel

Still, though, Fallen Angel remained in the fold, even becoming a contributor to Pax Arcana. His live blogs of the 2008 ALCS and whatever that wrestling thing was a few days ago represent the latest innovation on this site. We have no idea if they were popular (we don’t track things in too much detail around here), but the kid never fails to crack me up.

Now that he’s started his own blog, project126, we’d like to give him a proper send-off. So we roped him to an exit interview of sorts (he is obviously still welcome to post here), which we then edited and will post after the jump. This may be the only time you get to learn Fallen Angel’s thoughts on life, cake, poetry, and why we should care what the fuck he thinks.

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Roger Clemens had hot balls

Pax Arcana

I’ve always had a soft spot for Roger Clemens. It’s in my backyard, and by “soft spot” I mean “quicksand-filled trench in which I hope to lure the bloated jackass and fire potatoes at him until he begs for mercy.”

As a Mets fan, you can probably guess why I detest that hulking neanderthal so much. NO ONE THROWS BAT SHARDS AT MIKEY PIAZZA AND EVADES THE WRATH OF THE SHEA FAITHFUL! DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU VISCOUS MASS OF ARTIFICIAL TISSUE? NO ONE!

clemens_piazza

Anyway, it turns out that despite Clemens’ love affair with illicit performance enhancing drugs, he still needed a little help getting hopped up for Game 2 of the 2000 World Series.

He needed a man’s hands on his balls.

Via Fan IQ (and Deadspin) comes the most repellent story of crotch-based heat induction since I put Tabasco sauce in Father Scott’s mayonnaise:

The story comes courtesy of Yankee trainer Steve Donahue who told Verducci about what Roger Clemens did as part of his usual routine to get ready for facing the Mets in Game 2 of the 2000 World Series. Donahue said Clemens’ usual pregame preparation included taking a whirlpool bath at the hottest temperature possible.

“He’d come out looking like a lobster,” Donahue said.


But here’s the money quote:

Then Donahue would rub the hottest possible liniment on his testicles.

“He’d start snorting like a bull,” the trainer said. “That’s when he was ready to pitch.”

Perhaps this is why his pants are always on fire?

If You Ever Wondered Why Roger Clemens Always Looked So Angry, Tom Verducci Has The Answer [Fan IQ]
Roger Clemens Will Be Ready To Pitch…Right After His Sadomasochistic Rubdown [Deadspin]

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Productive Thursday Filler: Early Internet News

Pax Arcana

Good morning children. Please take your seats. Mr. Arcana is a bit preoccupied today, so please try to be good little boys and girls and sit still and don’t fight with each other. In fact, why don’t we just watch a movie today, kids? Sound good? OK calm down, it’s no Johnny Tremain or anything.

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