An open letter to geese

Pax Arcana

Dear Geese,

plane2This letter is to inform you that your unprovoked attack on US Air flight 1549 demands a response that is both swift and total. Know that we humans will not sit by idly while you launch suicide missions into our jet engines.

It did not have to be this way, geese.

In the beginning, the races of goose and man were united in our quest for the common good. Geese gave man eggs for sustenance and down for warmth. Man gave goose in-ground pools for for swimming and golf courses for shitting on.

We even told our children tales of golden eggs — so prized was our friendship with geese.

But then geese began biting our butts and the hostilities were begun. We invented foie gras and you shat on things other than golf courses. We started cooking you with your heads on at Chinese restaurants and you bundled tranches of risky mortgage-backed securities until it ruined our economy.

And now this.

Be warned, geese, that this aggression shall not stand. Whether by inventing entirely new gavage techniques or perfecting our goose-sniffing robot cats, we will exact our revenge. And you will know the full might of our race.


Pax Arcana

Pilot Is Hailed After Jetliner’s Icy Plunge [NYT]



Filed under food

3 responses to “An open letter to geese

  1. You might say that we should give them the gooseface?

    I’ll be here all week, folks.


    Dammit. I’m slipping in my old age.

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