Kids today are sex-crazed monsters that spend every minute out of their parents’ sight clutching at each other’s underpants like prisoners in the throes of a conjugal visit. Anyone who doubts this doesn’t watch local news or Dr. Phil, and should be prevented from interacting with children or voting.
About the only people left on earth who think our children aren’t having more sex than ever are pervy high school soccer coaches and the New York Times, which tries to shoehorn its agenda into the debate using facts and other subversive things:
The reality is that in many ways, today’s teenagers are more conservative about sex than previous generations.
Today, fewer than half of all high school students have had sex: 47.8 percent as of 2007, according to the National Youth Risk Behavior Survey, down from 54.1 percent in 1991.
A less recent report suggests that teenagers are also waiting longer to have sex than they did in the past. A 2002 report from the Department of Health and Human Services found that 30 percent of 15- to 17-year-old girls had experienced sex, down from 38 percent in 1995. During the same period, the percentage of sexually experienced boys in that age group dropped to 31 percent from 43 percent.
Look, it was always pretty clear that teen sex rates would drop as soon as I left high school — but this is ridiculous. None of these studies seems to address the real issue here — kids today don’t think it’s sex unless it gets posted on the Internet or someone gets pregnant. Anything up until that point is just considered kissing. Especially for that bitch Jaimye, who was giving out HJs in the gym locker room back in middle school. I hope that whore gets burned in a fire.