The crappiest toy ever

Pax Arcana

When I was around 13 or 14, all I wanted for Christmas was a set of flaming torches.

I was awesome at the time, and like most awesome kids I was hardcore into juggling. I’d mastered rings and pins, and just figured flaming torches were the next logical step. They even sold them at the local sporting goods store, so were very accessible.

My parents, who are not typically assholes, decided it would be funny to write “Flaming Torches” on a book of matches and bury that inside a much larger gift-wrapped box. So I got all excited when I opened it, only to unveil a cruel and heartless prank.

I thought it was the crappiest gift ever. It wasn’t.

This is the crappiest gift ever:


Feast your eyes on the Playmobil Security Checkpoint, a toy available on that gives your children all the thrill of waiting in long security lines without the fun of the full body cavity search.

Here’s the product description from Amazon:

The woman traveler stops by the security checkpoint. After placing her luggage on the screening machine, the airport employee checks her baggage. The traveler hands her spare change and watch to the security guard and proceeds through the metal detector. With no time to spare, she picks up her luggage and hurries to board her flight!

Holy fucking shit that sounds like fun! Maybe next year they’ll come out with a bored and condescending check-in clerk and malfunctioning e-ticket kiosk just to complete the experience!

Playmobil Security Checkpoint [Amazon]

(Hat tip: Mrs. Pax)



Filed under Christmas

3 responses to “The crappiest toy ever

  1. Esquire

    I assume the suspicious-foreign-passenger figure and overzealous sky marshal figure (with cavity search action grip!) are purchased separately.

  2. I wonder if enterprising young whippersnappers will see what kind of goodies they can sneak into that suitcase?

  3. My parents/sisters did the same sort of prank to my older brother when we were young. Only he really wanted a DiscMan, it being 1988 and all. Anyways my parents DID get him one, but before giving it to him, subjected him to cruelty.

    My sister made two hand-made “Free Hot Air Balloon Ride” Tickets and put them inside an empty DiscMan box. My brother of course upon opening it, hid in the bathroom and started to cry, which made it all the more hilarious!

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