“Dude, are my balls supposed to, like, be this color?”

Pax Arcana

Everybody knows Michael Phelps should be frozen solid, ground into a fine powder and left to melt in the hot sun for having the temerity to be photographed indulging in recreational drug use. It was an affront to Jesus, your grandmother, and the American flag.

Unfortunately our righteous fury at Phelps’ satanic devotion to commie-weed may manifest itself too late to satisfy our bloodlust. According to this article, Phelps may catch pot-induced testicular cancer before we can properly bask in our own glory for having flung him down a well of shame and contrition:

Researchers in the US have found that men who regularly smoke cannabis have a 70 per cent increased risk of testicular cancer. The risk was highest – twice that of those who never used the drug – in those who smoked it at least once a week or had a long history of use, beginning in adolescence.

The study is based on findings from 369 men with testicular cancer who were questioned about their history of cannabis use. The results were compared with 979 men who did not have cancer. Cannabis was linked with testicular cancer independently of smoking, drinking and family history.

Specifically, the wacky weed seems connected to an aggressive type of cancer called nonseminoma, which accounts for 40% of all testicular cancer and tends to affect younger men — especially video store clerks and that guy who delivered your pizza but ate two slices.

matthew_mcconaughey
Soon, Matthew McConaughey will regret his decision to play the bongos

All I know is this is going to make the yearly physical a lot more interesting. The last thing you want to hear when your doctor has his hands all over your nugget pouch is “So, do you party or what?”

Cannabis linked to testicular cancer [Independent UK]

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