Once again, modern science wants you to get clubbed with a tree limb

Pax Arcana

Remember when they decoded the human genome a few years ago, and how it was supposed to cure cancer and eliminate man-boobs?

None of that happened, of course, but at least we learned the real reason scientists were so preoccupied with genomics in the first place — to get you clubbed by tree limb wielded by a reanimated neanderthal. The latest effort comes from researchers in Germany, who have finished drafting the neanderthal genome:

cavemanThe Neanderthal genome, when fully analyzed, is expected to shed light on many critical aspects of human evolution. It will help document two important sets of genetic changes: those that occurred between 5.7 million years ago, when the human line split from the line leading to chimpanzees, and 300,000 years ago, when Neanderthals and the ancestors of modern humans parted ways; and second, the changes in the human line after it diverged from Neanderthals.

Right. And?

Possessing the Neanderthal genome raises the possibility of bringing Neanderthals back to life. Dr. George Church, a leading genome researcher at the Harvard Medical School, said Thursday that a Neanderthal could be brought to life with present technology for about $30 million.


That’s what I thought. Listen, people — every time these science guys start talking about how fossilized dinosaur semen or isotopes from sedimentary cave man poop can yield vital information about humankind, just remember that what they really want to do is spark up the giant machines and zap some creepy extinct creatures back to life.

If I may take a moment to address the soon-to-be-reanimated neanderthal community:

Oooonga awwa. Doongawa chawwa chakrakatka. ARRRRRCHOOOWGA.

Let’s hope that works.

Scientists in Germany Draft Neanderthal Genome [NYT]



Filed under science

4 responses to “Once again, modern science wants you to get clubbed with a tree limb

  1. $30 million to reanimate a Neanderthal…better or worse use of money than Oliver Perez?

  2. I bet the results will be similar, anyway.

  3. Perry Ellis

    Mark my words: First we clone the damn Neanderthals and the next thing you know there are Neanderthal zombies stalking us in the streets. These are the last days, my friends. Stock up on battle axes while you can.

  4. Fallen Angel


    watch what you say about ollie

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