A review of the Oscars, by Sophia Loren

Sophia Loren

sophia_loren1I AM THE GREAT FIRE GOD ZOLTAN, BORN OF SULFUROUS MAGMA! I AM RISEN FROM THE GREAT VOLCANO TO ENSNARE YOUR SOUL IN FIERY AGONY!!

FROM BEYOND THE GREAT VALLEY OF XCHORDAS DID I RECEIVE WORD THAT A GREAT GATHERING OF HUMAN FLESH WOULD OCCUR IN THIS PLACE. LO DID I THEN ASCEND FROM MY PRIMORDIAL CHAMBER OF SEARING HOT LAVA TO GREET THIS MASS WITH A CONFLAGRATION UNLIKE ANY IT HAS EVER SEEN!!

WHO AMONG THIS PITIABLE MORASS DARES CHALLENGE ZOLTAN? FOR BE IT KNOWN THAT I HAVE LAID WASTE TO MOUNTAIN AND RIVER ALIKE WITH THE SWIRLING FLAMES AND BELCHING FUMES OF THE UNDERWORLD. YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!

YOU SHALL KNOW THE MEANING OF TORMENT AND WRETCHEDNESS WHEN I UNLEASH THE VERY FIRES OF HELL UPON YOU!!!!

loren_gif

BRING TO ME THIS ONE CALLED WINSLET!! I SHALL ROAST HER AMPLE FLESH UPON MY SPIT AND FEAST UPON THE MARROW OF HER BONES.

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “A review of the Oscars, by Sophia Loren

  1. Perry Ellis

    Is this the same Zoltan that made Tom Hanks big? That guy really gets around.

  2. Fallen Angel

    in big, the fortune teller was “Zoltar”

  3. Simple mistake, really. You have to speak fire demon pretty much fluently to get the inflection right.

    Thankfully I listen to Gerry Callahan on WEEI, so I’m well-versed in the forked tongue of the eternally wicked.

  4. Esquire

    Perry’s just showing his age. He remembers when the Zoltan Machine was the hot new thing on the boardwalk.

  5. Perry Ellis

    “Year Built: 1967 to the early 1970’s, in Massachusettes.”

    That could describe me.

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