A-Rod’s hip cyst is not related to steroids

Pax Arcana

physicianAs a practicing physician and an expert in both anabolic and vitriolic steroid use, allow me to make one thing clear:

The hip cyst that will cause Alex Rodriguez to miss the beginning of the 2009 season is not — in any way — the result of steroid use.

As my colleague Gary Wadler told Newsday, cysts of this type are common among professional athletes due to wear and tear. A-Rod may have even been born with it:

The cyst is probably not related to an injection of anabolic steroids, Wadler said, because the hip is not an injection point for the performance-enhancing elixirs. Among the much more likely causes are athletic wear and tear, infections, tumors or genetic conditions.

I have spoken with Alex Rodriguez numerous times since his initial diagnosis, and have reassured him that the hip cyst is not the result of the reckless and naive behavior he exhibited when just a lad in his late 20s. Likewise, I have advised him that his premature baldness, foot arch acne, and testicular ossification are also not to be blamed on his use of performance enhancing drugs.

Furthermore, any speculation that Alex’s other conditions — including earlobe dentata, knee propellors, and magma urination — are steroid-related is irresponsible and slanderous. Lots of otherwise healthy people develop so-called “mushroom fingers,” and are able to dislodge and replace their own eyeballs. By the same token, many hispanic men in their early 30s grow dragon wings from their nipples.

It’s all part of the natural aging process for professional athletes. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a lot of patients to attend to.

Doping expert says A-Rod’s cyst not related to steroids [Newsday]

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2 Comments

Filed under baseball, sports

2 responses to “A-Rod’s hip cyst is not related to steroids

  1. Based on your picture compared to the last time I saw you, I’d say you might have stopped taking the juice, too.

  2. It’s been a tough year for steroid providers — I mean, experts.

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