Oh sweet Jesus make it stop

Pax Arcana

This one goes out to star commenter Coach Football* cotton-headed ninnymuggins Lucy the Dog, who once found himself on the ass end of one of the all-time worst assignments ever at the decaying newspaper at which we once labored. If I remember correctly, someone had reported seeing the Virgin Mary in a melting pile of snow, and Coach Football Lucy was dispatched to (cough) COVER THE STORY (cough).

The best part? He had to hustle over there (two towns away) because the snow bank was melting.

The below video shows just what happens when regional suits decide — like the editors who sent Coach Football Lucy forth to erase his own dignity — that what people need more of is that old-timey religion. As long as that means harboring delusions about seeing Jesus every time a triangular stain appears on your underpants.

If you’re anything like me, this video makes you want to blow up everyone you’ve ever met. May Cheesus have mercy on our souls.

Via Warming Glow

* Corrected as per whining from the comments.

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9 Comments

Filed under religion

9 responses to “Oh sweet Jesus make it stop

  1. As you were prone to do with your many North Andover dispatches about trash transfer stations and strip clubs, you got a few facts wrong in this post.

    To clarify, it was Lucy the Dog, not Coach Football, who was sent to Methuen to cover the cherubic and heaven-sent snow angel.

    This came on the heels of a hot Methuen story out of Methuen by Coach Football, which may be the cause of your confusion. THAT story was about a man snapping a cell phone picture of a cloud above I495 that looked so much like an angel that it damn well may have been.

    The next day, a reader called in to say that he too had taken an even clearer picture of the angelic cloud. The folo-up story ran on the local front, right next to my report about God in snow. It was a real Woodward and Bernstein moment for the two of us.

    Hopefully that clarifies the record. Perhaps before posting in the future, you should call to Selectman Chairwoman Rosemary Smedile to make sure you’ve got your story straight.

  2. Fallen Angel

    damn you got to cover strip clubs?

  3. Perry Ellis

    Screw you, Lucy. And screw Pax and the Coach too. Not one of you ever had to rush out to cover a turtle nest hatching in a supermarket parking lot. A week after it happened. On your first day.

    I bet none of you had to write four freakin’ stories on your last day either.

  4. on a tangentially related note, if you go to http://www.eagletribune.com right now and scroll down to the hip multimedia section, there’s some photo slideshow about high school basketball. the headline read in dramatic font, “CENTRAL’S HEIGHTH ADVANTAGE.”

    i’m right that “heighth” isn’t a word, right? seems like a lotta h’s.

  5. The facts were right in my story. Ketter must have rewritten before it went online.

    Wow. You got the Crazy Hair Day assignment and the Our Lady of Perpetual Meltingness assignment? You were a cursed dude, for sure. But you did have good heighthth.

  6. Jesus was/is/will be the man. I know if I were Jesus, I would show up in retarded people’s food all the time. What a guy. Or is it Guy?

  7. Coach Football

    Coach Football and Lucy the Dog: big-time homoes.

  8. Pingback: Popcorn Yoda will train you in the ways of the force «

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