Dear Sage Heralds of the Digital Age:
It has come to my attention that several so-called “Internet sites” and the rogues that favor them have criticized your recent decision to make threatening phone calls to radio stations that embed your videos on their sites. These hoodlums claim that because the videos were embedded directly from the AP’s own YouTube channel — and that the radio station in question is a customer of the Associated Press — you should refrain from encouraging your lawyers to engage in hostile conversations about the appropriate use of your content.
They further argue that the fact that the AP’s Vice President of Affiliate Relations in Chicago was unaware that the AP even has a YouTube channel is somehow an indictment of your forward-thinking Web strategy.
What these ingrates fail to understand is that your content must be protected at all costs, especially from those who want it the most — the news-consuming public. Allowing just anyone to embed your videos on their blogs or news sites only encourages freeloading roughnecks to view well-reported and important news stories at their own convenience. If left unchecked, this behavior could result in the dreaded “viral video” effect, in which millions of people from Kalamazoo to Khartoum satiate their hunger for news by viewing videos produced by the AP.
Clearly, this is not a strategy for success.
I propose that you hire me, Pax Arcana, and my mighty Brotherhood of the Flying Shark Vikings to ensure that your content is kept safe from the prying eyes of those who wish to sully its value by watching it. As a leader in the Global War on Zombies and a disciple of Popcorn Yoda, I feel I am perfectly suited to defend your content from the dangers of these new media malefactors.
For an extra fee — the equivalent of CEO Tom Curley’s salary — I will further protect AP content from the growing threat posed by Twitter, a so-called “social networking” site whose sole purpose is to encourage people to share ideas and links to popular content.
The world is even scarier and dangerouser than you can imagine.
With sincere conviction,
AP execs are cluessless about their own YouTube channel [Christian Grantham]