You may not believe this given my world-famous adonis body, but just over two years ago Pax Arcana weighed in at a totally awesome 275 pounds — or about 58 pounds more than I am today.
(In fairness, I did walk around with a standing rib roast in each pocket in case of komodo dragon attack, but at most that accounts for 3 to 4 pounds of my former girth. The rest was all man, baby. Well, that and a steady diet of Cape Cod potato chips.)
The point is I know what it’s like to be a big dude. And I’m tall, so not too long ago I was a tall big dude who occassionally had to fly places. And man did that suck.
Well, fatties, prepare to ride the fail rail again, as United Airlines just made your life of gluttony much more expensive. Starting today, people unable to buckle their seat belts on United flights will have to buy a second ticket:
The airline’s posted policy states that if a passenger cannot fit into a single seat, buckle their seatbelt with an additional seatbelt extension, or put the seat’s armrest down, the airline will ask that passenger to pay for an extra seat or stay behind.
Spokesperson Robin Urbanski Janikowski said the airline will first attempt to take measures to avoid the extra charge. “If there is another seat on the airplane that is next to an empty seat, we will re-accommodate our guest in that seat and there is no charge,” she wrote in an e-mail message.
This is an especially cruel maneuver for United Airlines, whose famous catch phrase “Fly the friendly skies,” was originally invented to trick fat people into thinking there were Friendly’s restaurants hovering in mid-air. Now we’ll never know what a Fribble tastes like at 30,000 feet! wah wah… /sad trombone