Zahi Hawass, the flamboyant spokesman for Egypt’s archaelogical treasures and star of 8.1 million History Channel specials, told the press last week that a team of researchers from the Dominican Republic may have found the final resting place of Marc Antony and Cleopatra.
Antony and Cleopatra are famous mainly for being played by Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor in a 1963 movie, but an in-depth study of the historical record reveals that they were actually humans who existed and did stuff. For example, they almost overthrew the Roman empire and then killed themselves:
Marc Antony and Cleopatra challenged Caesar Augustus for control of the Roman Empire more than two millenia ago. Their armies were defeated and rather than submit to capture, the lovers committed suicide – Marc Antony by his sword, Cleopatra with a poisonous asp.
The Roman historian Plutarch said Caesar allowed the two to be buried together, but their tomb was never found.
Hawass says the preponderance of high status burial sites around a seaside temple, plus coins and a mask with a cleft chin, may indicate that the temple is the final resting place of Antony and Cleopatra. Before long, I assume a bunch of scientists in pith helmets will be creeping down ancient dusty corridors, their flashlights flickering eerily. Then from the inky shadows comes a deathly murmur…
If it’s true don’t leave me all alone out here … Wondering if you’re ever gonna take me there …
Wait, what? That’s not him?
Aw shit. Never mind.