The traditional zombie arsenal is pretty rudimentary. They shuffle. They swarm. They bite.
But lately the groaning hordes of the undead have expanded their repetoire and developed a cunning that should strike fear into us all. They have trained seals and mice to their bidding and have embodied famous historical figures.
In the latest development, zombies are apparently preying on our love of small hairy creatures that chase adventure through fantasy lands. My forensics team has unearthed evidence that the swirling zombie hive brain has begun to create a race of tiny zombies disguised as prehistoric “hobbits.”
According to the New York Times, recently discovered “hobbit bones” will be shown in public today for the first time:
The Australian and Indonesian scientists who found bones of at least eight specimens pronounced them evidence of a separate human species. The individuals were small, not much more than three feet tall, and apparently had brains the size of chimpanzees’. Other experts have contended that the hobbits are Homo sapiens who evolved small stature in isolation and hypothesized that genetic or pathological disorders accounted for their abnormally small brains.
Of course these so-called “experts” are missing the forest for the trees. The reason the zombie hobbit brain is so small is simple — to conceal its only weakness. These zombie hobbits are designed to kill by prancing gaily up to groups of human nerds at science fiction conventions and overwhelming them with ankle-gnawing fury.
Not to worry, loyal Paxites. I am already months deep into my research on an anti-zombie hobbit weapon. I have located several recently-deceased Icelandic elves and have set up an underground factory from which I will regenerate them into a tribe of reanimated warriors hell-bent on destroying the hobbitses. I need a good name for them, though. Maybe I’ll ask the white wizard what he thinks.
A First Look at the Bones of a ‘Hobbit’ [New York Times]